Hello, I Must Be Going: No let up yet. Life got more complicated when my radiator decided the hottest week of the year so far was the appropriate time to develop a leak. The car's days are numbered - as soon as I get my check from my refinancing, I'll be in a bright and shiny new car - so instead of getting it fixed I invested in a few gallons of coolant and I've resolved to top it off every morning.

Plus, I think my A/C (in my home) doesn't work. I know it didn't work last summer, although I think there were only like two days I really needed to use it, and I can't remember whether I got it fixed or not. I think not.

Sheesh.

Anyway, my life is currently subtitled No Time For Weblogs, and will probably continue to be for another week to 10 days.

For now, let me recommend you once again to one of my favorites Forbes ASAP, where you can read a series of very insightful articles including this one, about why everyone in the know feels the need for reform to the patent and copyright system.

My own introduction to the realities of the patent system came in the 1980s, when my client, Sun Microsystems--then a small company--was accused by IBM of patent infringement. Threatening a massive lawsuit, IBM demanded a meeting to present its claims. Fourteen IBM lawyers and their assistants, all clad in the requisite dark blue suits, crowded into the largest conference room Sun had.

The chief blue suit orchestrated the presentation of the seven patents IBM claimed were infringed, the most prominent of which was IBM's notorious "fat lines" patent: To turn a thin line on a computer screen into a broad line, you go up and down an equal distance from the ends of the thin line and then connect the four points. You probably learned this technique for turning a line into a rectangle in seventh-grade geometry, and, doubtless, you believe it was devised by Euclid or some such 3,000-year-old thinker. Not according to the examiners of the USPTO, who awarded IBM a patent on the process.

After IBM's presentation, our turn came. As the Big Blue crew looked on (without a flicker of emotion), my colleagues--all of whom had both engineering and law degrees--took to the whiteboard with markers, methodically illustrating, dissecting, and demolishing IBM's claims. We used phrases like: "You must be kidding," and "You ought to be ashamed." But the IBM team showed no emotion, save outright indifference. Confidently, we proclaimed our conclusion: Only one of the seven IBM patents would be deemed valid by a court, and no rational court would find that Sun's technology infringed even that one.

An awkward silence ensued. The blue suits did not even confer among themselves. They just sat there, stonelike. Finally, the chief suit responded. "OK," he said, "maybe you don't infringe these seven patents. But we have 10,000 U.S. patents. Do you really want us to go back to Armonk [IBM headquarters in New York] and find seven patents you do infringe? Or do you want to make this easy and just pay us $20 million?"

After a modest bit of negotiation, Sun cut IBM a check, and the blue suits went to the next company on their hit list.

The story (if accurate) speaks for itself.

But it's not all business over there, there are articles on Nano-Khakis, a brief rant on cell phones from P.J. O'Rourke, and the latest rendition of Best of the Web, with enough links to keep you exploring all day.

Where I'm At: My refinancing is coming tomorrow, so that means a new car will be coming shortly afterwards. That will be a hassle. Lots of running around is on the horizon at work - that would be my day job, my one paying gig - which will also be a hassle.

I've completed A Wild Sheep Chase and have started the sequel, Dance, Dance, Dance. These are fascinating books and I plan to write an extended critique of them once I'm done.

Plus, I need to get back to hawking A Pleasure Doing Business With You and writing Misspent Youth. If I don't you will never see them, and I know you are just panting in anticipation.

So, as usual, I have to make apologies for what will likely be sporadic updating for a while.

I Am Haunted by Margaritas: Another Margarita message. Reader Virginia dropped a line from England, where she has journeyed from Texas (that's right, Virginia from Texas in England), to decry the state of the English Margarita, which she describes as lemonade with some Tequila. Let us all shed a tear for Virginia. The best I could do was offer a link to the Texas Embassy restaurant in London. If anyone has any better suggestions, send them in and I'll pass them along to Virginia (and post them here). By the way, don't weep too long for Virginia, she says England is rife with great beer.

And the very day I got Virginia's message the latest copy of Men's Journal arrived featuring a fine Margarita article (not available on-line yet) where we learn the importance of 100% blue agave tequila - vs. the cheap 51% blended you remember from college - from an experienced bartender.

For Julio [the bartender], there is simply no room in his margarita for 51 percent mixtos. "I'll keep one or two at the bar and sell them at $15 a shot - it's the penalty I charge you for being a dumbass."

Tee-hee. The author, one John Hodgman, offers his personal recipe:

• 2 oz of you favorite 100-per-cent-blue-agave tequila, or mine: Herradura Reposado


• 1 1/3 oz of fresh-squeezed lime juice (about two limes' worth)


• 1/3 oz of Cointreau


• 1/3 oz simple syrup

Shake ingredients with ice. Strain into a 10-oz goblet with ice or a chilled rocks glass. Flame an orange peel over the top of the cocktail (for directions, see kingcocktail.com). Garnish with a slice of lime and save the salt for your tortilla chips.

In my estimation, that is a terrific recipe for a strongly tequila focused Margarita by minimizing the Cointreau and using simple syrup instead (and flaming an orange peel - great touch!) so that the intricacies of the tequila will come through.

Also, that site mentioned, kingcocktail.com, has a wealth of information for the quality drinker, and a lot to argue about; the guy elevates Vodka to a valid Martini-base (shudder). I may have more to say about that in the future. Check it out.

Stupid Just Is: It's been a banner couple of weeks for stupidity. Some union thugs in New Jersey decided to re-enact a scene from West Side Story after a meeting; It looks like Czech communists have hired Bill Clinton as a campaign consultant; At school, playing tag is out, but you better be up on your pimps and crack-whores; MTV pulls a stupid stunt with a fake corpse in Vegas, while here in Michigan we use real ones to keep our teenagers in line; and just down the street in Ann Arbor, womynkind considers a mere 30 toilets a form of male repression.

I got to get out of the comedy biz. There's too much competition.

Get Crazy With Your Browser: For casual browsing of the web Internet Explorer is just fine, but if you have heavy duty needs - such as researching web site content - where you have lots of pages open at once and you are often visiting pages that may ending up popping up a thousand ads, I strongly recommend Crazy Browser. Crazy Browser essentially provides an alternate and enhanced interface to Internet Explorer. It uses tabs to manage multiple pages, kills pop-ups, has a terrific search utility and the configuration options seem endless. Plus, it's free (but maybe not for long). Like I said, if you're a casual browser, you probably don't need this. But if you cruise the web with purpose, get it.

Excuse Me Fer Dumping On Ya: What follows is dumpage from my get-around-to-it-one-of-these-days-when-I-haven't-found-anything-more-meaty-to-write-about-either-becasue-I-was-too-busy-or-because-nothing-is-going-on-or-the-weather-is-too-nice-or-I-just-want-to-watch-TV-and-drink-one-of-those-Diet-Snapples-that-I-like file.

• R.I.P. Lord Kimberley - Peer of the Realm, 4th Earl of Kimberley, Party Animal.


• How fun! Restaurant menu index at Amazon.


• The latest extreme sport or just a clever way to do away with balloon vendors?


• Avast ye scurvy dogs! Man the minimex! Deploy the sonar fish! There be booty on the bottom!


• Who knew: "...John Lennon was not only politically assassinated, but that Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and, you'd better sit down, horror novelist Stephen King are the three people who can be proven guilty of the crime."


• Oops. The Ten Worst Tech Disasters in history.


• For ladies whose taste may not run to perfect Martinis, quality Margaritas, and first rate Beer, you can always check out these old skool, fondly remembered chick drinks. Order one of these and you become an instant femme fatale.


• Punk Rock Aerobics doesn't sound all that appealing, but if you can stomach some naughty language, click the Mission link. Bwa-ha-ha!


• If I had this, you'd be lucky to get an update every couple of months.

Is This Any Way To Run An Industry?: There's a terrific article in the 6/10 Wall Street Journal about the inner machinations of the music industry. Since it's subscription only, I can't link it up, but I'll quote from it liberally.

This week, 27 pop-radio programmers from Clear Channel Communications Inc. will gather in Los Angeles -- a seemingly priceless opportunity for record labels looking to promote new albums to influential radio executives.

But access to the Clear Channel programmers actually comes with a price tag: about $40,000, the amount music companies pay to be sponsors of the event's lunch or evening cocktails. In return, they will get to showcase their music and receive feedback from the programmers.

-----

Currently, concern about the issue is in part being fueled by the downturn in the music business. Record companies have been forced to try to contain promotional costs that they say have risen sharply. "The costs are so excessive," says Charles Goldstuck, president and chief operating officer of J Records, a joint venture with Bertelsmann AG's BMG. "With the overall industry revenue base declining, whether the industry likes it or not, something has to give."

To compete for a limited number of open slots on pop radio, labels say they typically pay independent promoters from $200,000 to $300,000 per song, and occasionally more than $1 million. Labels give promoters from $500 to $2,000, depending on the format, each time a station adds a particular song to its playlist for a given week. These costs have risen as the radio industry has consolidated, music companies say. It is getting harder for them to influence playlists, in part because fewer programmers are deciding which songs get "spins" on the air.

Radio and record companies "need to sit down and get together to find better ways to do business -- kind of like Pakistan and India need to do," says Bill Scull, president of Tri-State Promotions, of Cincinnati. His closely held company is one of the nation's most influential independent promoters, along with Jeff McClusky & Associates, a Chicago company that has locked up exclusive access to several programmers at big radio companies. "Because of the size of the radio groups, the power has shifted and record companies now feel like they're not getting full value," Mr. Scull adds.

So, as I read it, here's the set-up: Clear Channel (and lesser radio station groups) make agreements with these independent promoters to give these promoters access to their stations. A fee goes to the radio group (e.g. Clear Channel) for this. Record company comes along looking for airplay from Clear Channel, et.al. Record Company must "hire" the specific independent promoter that the radio group has designated. Basically, this is a slightly sanitized version of payola.

In the 1950s and 1960s, the practice of "payola" -- undisclosed cash payments to individuals in exchange for radio play -- became a routine part of the music business, culminating in a series of scandals followed by laws banning such illicit payments. If an individual radio employee is paid in such an illicit trade, it's payola, a criminal violation. If a station owner takes money in exchange for airplay without disclosing it on the air, it's a civil infraction that can result in a fine from the FCC.

The music industry has adapted, finding less direct methods. The labels found they could effectively lobby stations using independent promoters, who often have long-term relationships with radio executives and are supposed to have specialized knowledge of local markets that help them pitch the songs most likely to be hits.

So the practice of "hiring" independent promoters was really started by the record companies, but because of all the consolidation in the radio business (read: Clear Channel), the scarcity of free-thinking radio stations shifted the balance of power from the record companies to radio. The net result is a smaller and smaller cadre of marketing execs determining what music gets heard.

Now I don't believe that there is any evil or immoral intent or activity. It's just stupid. How can you possibly have a good understanding of current popular musical tastes with just a few people running around doing focus groups? You can't. Music choice gets narrower and narrower; audiences get smaller and smaller; losses get bigger and wider.

In the long run, technology will overcome all these shortcomings and render irrelevant the big players who can't adapt. It's just a question of how long the lobbying and lawsuits will let industry bigwigs keep their phoney-baloney jobs.

Does This Help?: I don't know if Clear Channel Sucks helps the situation along, but it is somewhat gratifying.

Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli Borscht: This is old, but it's timely given that the Red Wings are about to win another Stanley Cup. The Wings were one of the first teams to load up on Russian players back in the day, at one point gleefully referring to themselves as Detroit's Red Army. Of course along with the Russian players came the Russian mob - or at least that's what the allegation is. This PBS Frontline documentary (from 1999 I think) has lots of good information on the Hockey-Wiseguy connection. Especially this remarkable interview with a US executive who went to Russia to help revive Russian hockey after the fall.

I anxiously await movie version directed by Scorsese.

Nobody's Rockin': I ranted a bit about Clear Channel a few days back. I really think the implosion of the music industry is one of the more remarkable on-going business stories of recent times. It's not just the radio meltdown. CDs aren't selling. The various factions are suing everyone in sight, trying to make it impossible to copy anything when they should be addressing the reason their CUSTOMERS want to copy stuff to begin with (i.e. too expensive, too many filler songs on CDs when you only want the one, need for a centralized availability, etc.), lobbying to price internet radio out of the picture. You see, they've lost track of their CUSTOMERS. They think they know the formula to make money; judging from their financial results, the market disagrees. So they sue to protect their paradigm. This article sums it up. Note how the industry fears that there is no new Big Thing on the horizon, meanwhile they put all their effort into homogenizing everything so that the next Big Thing won't get a chance to interfere with their failing formulas. Another article says it well, quoting Blazing Saddles: "Gentlemen, we have got to protect our phoney, baloney jobs!"

I can't imagine a more misguided industry. Remarkable.

But also note there are high hopes for the latest release from poser-rapper Eminem. His new song is getting a lot of airplay. It's got a nice, peppy beat. And of course, Eminem is always challenging society with his subject matter. If you're wondering what his new song is about, well, let's just say there are in excess of 60 uses of the words me/I/I'm/I've in what can't be much more than a 3 minute song.

It still feels so empty...

Nano Steps: It looks like we're getting close to having the first nanotech based products reach the market. Molecular machines inserted in your body to keep you free from disease? Nope. Micro-bugs to monitor terrorist cells invisibly? Nope. Tiny robots to scurry about and clean you house while you sleep? Nope.

One of the first nanotech-related breakthroughs consumers will see, for example, is a new type of sunscreen -- expected to start showing up on store shelves within the next year or so -- being perfected by a German company...

I hereby copyright the name "Nanoblock." The Germans can see me if they would like to purchase the rights.

Actually, it does look like there are some cool medical uses coming soon: battery recharging for pacemakers and a more effective treatment for breast cancer. Check it out. You are looking at the iceberg's tip off in the distance.

B³: Be Bim Bop is Korean comfort food. Rice, veggies, a little bit of beef, are combined in a bowl and a fried egg is placed on top. Mix it all up with some Soy Sauce or something more spicy if you're adventurous, and you got yourself a truly tasty treat. It may sound a little heavy, but it's not, it's stick to your ribs home cookin' from the Far East. I mention this because this afternoon I went into Ann Arbor and had dinner at Steve's Lunch - a genuine 10x20 diner, no tables, just a counter and a grill, where you would expect greasy spoon style fare but in fact you get exceptional Be Bim Bop. It's not just me - this blogger loves it too, and this guy hasn't found a substitute even in ethnic restaurant heaven, San Francisco. A certain character in Apple Pie also had a penchant for Steve's B³. The Be Bim Bop at Steve's Lunch is a little bit of Ann Arbor colloquialism that you should sample if you're in town. But get yourself hungry first.

Starving for Life: If you keep up on matters of health, fitness, and longevity - like I do - you will have the sense that the Next Big Thing is going to involve a concept called Caloric Restriction. Caloric Restriction posits that a severe reduction in caloric intake is directly correlated with increased longevity.

Now, before you take that to mean you'll live longer if you watch your weight and give it a big fat DUH!, just listen.

Caloric restriction has nothing to do with weight and in fact, has nothing to do with fitness. Caloric Restriction is based on research done in animals of all sorts, from microscopic all the way up to dogs and monkeys. Oversimplified, it involves taking large numbers of the creatures feeding group A a controlled healthy low-fat diet of X calories and feeding group B exactly the same food but maybe only 60% of group A's portions and then adding non-caloric supplements (vitamins) for added nutrition. In all these species the result is that the calorie restricted group lived significantly longer and exhibited less sign of age related diseases. Extrapolating from this to human life spans, we would be looking at 140 years or so.

A couple of news reports on the research can be found here and here.

This will be extremely difficult research to duplicate in humans, since our behavioral differences are virtually uncontrollable from individual to individual. But, as I read it, the supposition is this:

Joe Schmoe is man of average height (5'9") and weight (say 160-ish) and leading a sedentary life he would by all estimates expend about 2000 calories a day. Now if instead of 2000 calories, Joe Schmoe cut his intake to 1300 calories a day (and took the need supplements so as not to be malnourished) his weight would undoubtedly drop significantly (probably to around 120 or so - bone skinny) but it would stabilize at some point, i.e. he wouldn't starve to death. The result of this would be that his expected life-span would increase dramatically and he would be less likely to suffer from caner and arthritis and many other age-related maladies.

The underlying theory is that the actual intake of food and processing of calories by your body affects aging. One human believer in this process is quoted in a 6/3 Wall Street Journal article (I can't link it, it subscribers only) as saying "Every calorie you eat is a second off your life." Of course, the guy is six feet tall and 115 pounds.

I don't want to make this out as a crackpot theory, there is an awful lot of evidence and good solid scientific research going into this. It's not Junk Science, but there are a lot of unaddressed concerns.

For example, a diet so restricted in calories pretty much prevents any sort of strenuous regular physical activity; the fuel just isn't available for your body to do anything. That leads to this question. Does our sedentary, 1300 calorie/day Joe Schmoe have a longer life expectancy than a 2000 calorie a day Joe Schmoe who exercises to expend an extra 700 calories a day to net out to the same 1300 calories? Is Joe better off sitting and starving or eating and being fit?

Anyway, it's not like I'm going to give up eating and drinking. A) I'm not convinced that there aren't other forces at work here besides caloric intake and B) I don't have the willpower even if I was convinced.

But keep on eye on this. The research done here may pay off in making existing foods healthier or understanding the aging process better.

Six Feet Deeper: A while back, I raised a red flag about this year's season of Six Feet Under. I was very impressed with last year's season in my essay, but this year was looking to be a step down. Some of the story lines got a little maudlin, and some of the episodes turned out a bit tawdry. It didn't finish any better. Some plot lines closed, others opened, and we were left with a cliff-hanger as to whether Nate (one of the two male leads) would survive brain surgery.

I don't mean to say it was a bad season, it was certainly worth watching and better than most other TV, but it was definitely a step down. The remarkable thing about the first season was the portrayal of the complicated emotions and motivations of a fairly mundane group of characters. There was a single plot-line about a psychotic brother that was a bit over the top, but beyond that your attention was held by the subtle portrayal of the complexities of the normal events of life.

In contrast, this season we had story-lines involving pseudo-religious cults, the Russian Mafia, sexual "addiction" and perversion, and the soap-opera worthy cliff-hanger.

My advice: Stop now. Don't make anymore. Alternatively, take the time to develop superior scripts, like the first year. Even if it takes more time to come up with them. We will have waited a year and a half since the last Sopranos season for new episodes, just so we can have some high quality material. Do the same or stop now.

Handmade Hooch: This exacting Margarita recipe, sent in by reader Richard H., looks to be about as close to a handmade Margarita as you can get without growing the Agave yourself.

2 limes - take the zest from them and the juice from them add 10 Tablespoons Water and 1/4 cup Sugar + 1 teaspoon sugar

Let this sit for at least 2 to 3 hours tightly covered and refrigerated in a glass or non-reactive container, but not more than 24 hours.

Strain to filter out the bits of zest and add to it the following:

3/4 cup (6 oz) Tequila - I prefer Cuervo Especial or something similar, but use a higher quality of you like.

1 Tablespoon + 1 Teaspoon Grand mariner

1 Tablespoon + 1 Teaspoon Cointreau

Serve over rock (with or without salt)

These proportions give excellent results!
I guarantee!!!!!!!!

I'd love to try this, but I'd have to find the patience to wait 2 or 3 hours. Note: this was prompted by my essay on Magaritas.

Are You Still Here?: I don't have much to offer at the moment, as I have kind of lost myself in a non-writing, non-web-update frame of mind - mostly because the weather has been beyond gorgeous and I've been chillin' on my terrace. Kind of nice not to fret over writing (or not writing) or have to browse the web with a sort of search-and-destroy mentality.

I've been listening to Loud by Timo Maas. Most techno and it's sub-genres are repetitive and annoying. This is techno based, lots of power and energy, but still comes across as songs and music, rather than extended excercises in synthetic drum-machine programming. (The website is a marvel of cool design, too.)

And I've been completely sucked into Haruki Murakami's novel, Wild Sheep Chase. I've really only scrathced the surface, but I'm hooked.

It begins simply enough: A twenty-something advertising executive receives a postcard from a friend, and casually appropriates the image for an insurance company’s advertisement. What he doesn’t realize is that included in the pastoral scene is a mutant sheep with a star on its back, and in using this photo he has unwittingly captured the attention of a man in black who offers a menacing ultimatum: find the sheep or face dire consequences.

That makes it sound like a pot-boiler, which it is decidedly not. It is remarkably literate. It borders on impressionistic in parts, which I generally don't like, but it's done with a bit of tongue-in-cheekiness and no pretension. I'll probably write more about it when I'm done. Reviews here.

So that's why I have nothing to post. Good weather, good distractions. But rain is coming so I should be back with a vengence in a couple of days.

Not So Clear: If you like irony (doesn't everybody?) you'll get a kick out of this Washington Post article on radio behemoth Clear Channel. If you don't know, Clear Channel is the outfit that owns well over a thousand radio stations nationwide and has them all reduced to formulaic formats that often have as few as 20 songs in rotation at any time. In this article they brag that every decision they make is given the thumbs up or thumbs down based on whether they will increase market share and profits.

As regional vice president of Clear Channel's eight big Washington area stations (and 18 smaller stations arrayed from Ocean City to Frederick to Winchester, Va.), Zier has little room for experimentation or "WKRP"-like wackiness. "Every issue we discuss, every decision we make," he says in his Rockville office, "comes down to a simple test: Will it increase ratings or revenue? If it doesn't, let's move on."

The results of these decisions have effectively eviscerated any creativity or originality. Every station sounds like the next. All playlists and formats sound the same. No chances are taken, you get prepackaged blandness instead of anything interesting or stimulating. Now, I am absolutely in favor in companies making profits and making decisions that will make them more profitable. So is Clear Channel and they rightly don't deny that's what they are about. But then we have this:

The company lost money every quarter last year, piling up an annual loss of $1.1 billion. Clear Channel also is shouldering $8 billion in debt -- the legacy of its deal-a-minute expansion spree. With a long advertising slump afoot, the company's stock is selling at about half its peak price of two years ago.

The other day, Clear Channel reported that it lost $16.9 billion during the first three months of 2002, mostly as a result of writing off devalued assets.

and this:

Clear Channel's most popular station in the most recent Arbitron rankings, WASH-FM, rose no higher than sixth among listeners ages 25 to 54, the most coveted group among radio advertisers. And not all of Zier's recent moves have paid off. When he converted the faltering "Jam'n Oldies" '70s station to Top-40 Hot 99.5 early last year, the station's revenue fell to $11.3 million in 2001 from $17 million the year before, BIAfn says.

You really have to wonder whether instead of asking themselves if an idea will be profitable, they should ask themselves if they have even the smallest clue what constitutes a profitable idea.

This reminds me of the auto industry in the late 70s and early 80s when they were so sure they knew their customers and knew exactly what to produce to maximize their profit and the Japanese ate their lunch. It wasn't that they were blindly pursuing profit, it was that they thought they knew how to blindly pursue profit when if fact they didn't.

Poetry: The truth about...

Cats

I awake. Darkness.
No movement.

Create movement. Assail
The large pink creature.

I am flung. The wall is
Hard.

I groom myself
With dignity.
That will show him.

Now
The arm of the chair
Will suffer.


Dogs

I awake. Darkness.
No movement.

Oh how I must pee. Alas
I cannot wake the pink God.

Distraction: Smell my own butt.
No! It's no good! I must pee!
I must pee!

I have peed.
Oh shame. Oh disgrace. I
Belong in a corner.

But I am still a Good Dog.
Aren't I?

You've Been Framed: The Klez virus - you may have heard of it - is officially the worst virus ever, at least in terms of the breadth of infection. According to this CNN story, it now infects one in every 300 emails. It is particularly insidious because it can make your friends think you're infected when you're not. Let's say you're adam@aaa.com. In your address book is barry@bbb.com and charlie@ccc.com. Where as previous viruses would attack your machine and send mail from you (adam@aaa.com) to everyone in your address book, Klez will send infections and use names from your address book in both the "to" and the "from." So it might send an infected message from your machine to barry@bbb.com from charlie@ccc.com. You then discover Barry and Charlie are not speaking because of something to do with email, and no one has any idea it's your fault for getting yourself infected.

The mind reels at the scandalous emails you could send and, when confronted, blame it on the Klez virus.

But that would be wrong.

As always the thing to do keep your virus definition up to date and NEVER OPEN AN EMAIL ATTACHMENT if you aren't sure what it is.

Happy Happy Joy Joy: I wore sandals and shorts today. And I slept in. And I sat outside at Conor O'Neils on Main Street and wrote. It's Summer in Ann Arbor. The Top of the Park schedule has been announced - lots of bands I never heard of (big on "Americana" which is the hot sound), and regulars like Al Hill and Five Guys Named Moe and George Bedard. Maybe I'll get down there more than once this year. Plus, you'll be shocked - shocked! - to hear there are actually two movies I want to see. The Importance of Being Earnest and About a Boy. I leave it to you to figure out why.

The Birth of the Brave New World: The New Yorker has unearthed this amazing article, written in 1936, about an early TV demonstration. The article was written by E.B. White (who wrote Charlotte's Web) and his dry skepticism is a delightful to read.

We sat in a darkened room squarely in front of a receiving set and, as we understand the matter, the persons and objects which we saw were down on the third floor of the same building, where they were first photographed televisually by an iconoscope, thence sent by direct wire to the Empire State Building, and then came back on a megacycle to the sixty-second floor of R.C.A. The magical unlikelihood of this occasion was not lessened any by the fact that a stranger wearing a telephone around his neck was crawling about on all fours in the darkness at our feet. This didn't make television seem any too practical for the living room of one's own home, although of course homes are changing.

If only current day techno-pundits could write so well. And get this:

Try and appreciate our situation: we were in a dark room looking into a television set at a television set which was showing a picture of a moving picture.

Somebody should have shown them the Sopranos.

My Thoughts Exactly: Tom Mabe has a lot of fun with telemarketers. If it wasn't for caller ID I'd be tempted to try this stuff myself. Listen to: Stupid-ass Telemarketer or Blood on the Carpet. I bet the CDs are a riot. Found this stuff via Sheri~SHOT.

Saved by Zero: Good tunes: Zero7 - Simple Things, groovy-funky-mellow-chill-out-while-you're-updating-your-weblog music.

Just Plain Zero: YOU WILL FEAR THIS CD!

I Am Not The Keymaster: Why do we still have a Caps Lock key? It has never been anything but an annoyance since I was in Junior High and used it for a few seconds to type the title of a paper. Just now I spent about fifteen minutes trying to figure why my ISP password was getting rejected, carefully verifying it one keystroke at a time (your password doesn't actually appear on the screen, just dots as placeholders). At first I thought my ISP must have screwed something up, until I tried from another PC. Nope, worked on that one. So I decided to sack it, call the ISP in the morning to sort it out, and opened Word - when I started typing I realized what was going on. Passwords are case sensitive and I had hit Caps Lock somewhere along the way.

Look, computer vendors (I know you're reading), if you're going to include a stupid Caps Lock key on every machine, at least make it flash and glow in the dark and possibly make that beeping noise that trucks make when they back up. Geez.

I've Heard That Song Before: Hannah and Her Sisters has been playing on TCM as I've been writing this. One of my favs - I've seen it a few times. It's Funny Woody in New York. Kind of a grown up Annie Hall. Ebert gets is right. (Just so you know, Sex and the City's New York can't come close to Woody's.) The use of music in the soundtrack is absolutely perfect. It was scored by the great pianist Dick Hyman, as are many of his films. Each sequence, and occasionally each individual scene, is triggered by a song to set the mood - done absolutely perfectly. In its own way, the New York portrayed in this film is as elegant and erudite as the New York of the '30s.

Don't Fight the Future: A fine article in Business 2.0 about eight technologies that will change the world. I am absolutely convinced if I can survive the next 20 years in reasonable condition I shall live forever. Although I may be mostly bionic, which means I could run really fast in slow motion - cue music: do do do doooo - do do do do do do do do doooo. Of course, living forever just means I get to procrastinate guilt free.

tHAT REMINDS ME...DOH!

That reminds me. I should do a nanotechnology roundup for ya.

How Can You Not Look?: I have scrupulously avoided all reality shows, all the so-called extreme game shows, and especially celebrity boxing. I have erred. I should be watching all of it, and documenting it for the sake of comedy, like this:

Darva cruises to a unanimous decision, as Rose sums things up by saying, "Just too much Darva Conger, really." Meanwhile, poor Olga has an "I know I lost, but I still get my $30,000 right?" look on her face. This is just horrible.

OK, so, what's the next piece of trash coming around? I won't miss it.

Weekly Reader: I'm thinking of altering my site updates to once a week. This doesn't mean I'll be posting less material, just less often. The main reason for this is that it will allow me to focus my time better. Rather than come home and only be able to devote a few minutes to everything, I'll be able to focus more extended periods to specific tasks. For example, as it stands, I typically come home, try to do some chores, gather some site material, and write fiction. If it's a workout day, you got throw that in too. So in the interest of more useful time management, I'm thinking of cutting down the frequency of tasks and upping the time devoted to each on any given evening. (I know the assorted minutiae of my life must be fascinating.)

Another advantage to the plan is that it would allow me to post with regularity. As it stands I post every two or three days, with no exact pattern. It's possible that if I were to post, say, every Sunday night without fail, I might be able to build some habitual Monday morning readership - rather than having folks check in randomly and only maybe getting an update. I don't know. I haven't made a final decision yet, so if you have strong feelings please speak up.

You Can't Get There From Here: There are four levels of summer road construction in Michigan: bad, really bad, absolutely bloody impossible, and never mind I'll just walk. Dexter, pop. ~5000, has just reached the absolutely bloody impossible level. At one nearby intersection they have closed the entrances to the freeway and redirected everyone about a mile or two in the opposite direction to a different entrance. Unfortunately, for a couple of days, there was a different construction project going on the freeway itself. As a result, people suffered long delays before being detoured off in the opposite direction to a freeway entrance that was effectively a parking lot.

Clever me, I use the back roads to avoid the freeway, ever since a fifteen minute highway trip began to take three-quarters of an hour. Of course, today I discover that a stretch of back road, which was closed last year to be fixed (but only ended up more mangled), was closed again and traffic was redirected right into the backed up overflow traffic from the above mentioned freeway detour.

Good grief.

The scary part is that although they really don't do a terribly good jobs of traffic management, they do an excellent job of long-range forecasting. For instance, around here we all know that the current construction is going to take "several months" to complete. When they are done, after a brief respite to allow everyone to drive unimpeded on the icy winter roads, the current detour is up for repair and the current construction area becomes the new detour.

It shall be 2004 before I can get anywhere.

If You Can't Take a Joke: Certainly, Fawlty Towers was the most purely funny shows ever. It existed for exactly thirteen gut-busting episodes, and John Cleese has wisely never attempted to resurrect or modify it. It stands as is for all eternity, like a perfect thirteen stanza poem. The series was based on a hotel Cleese (and the rest of the Pythons) stayed at that had a "wonderfully rude" manager. Now, after all these years, the wife of the wonderfully rude manager has decided to take issue with the portrayal of her husband and herself in the series. Here's a clue: Taking offense at being lampooned is not the best way to show that you were not ill-natured to begin with. Especially when it turns out the lampoon is correct.

One word - Bioinformatics: I've often found so-called hot jobs listings humorous. Usually they amount to a cursory listing of high-tech type positions with a couple of low-tech industries thrown in because everyone else will be going into high-tech. This listing from Smart Money, however, is quite interesting. They give you areas of specialization, so rather than computer programmer, you get Data Miner; rather than Lawyer, you get Intellectual-Property Attorney. Basically they looked at trends in industries and extrapolated. Ah, if only I could start over...

Junk Drawer: These links have been sitting in my junk drawer for a while.

• Beware: the 100 Greatest Games On-Line. Do not be tempted. You have more important things to do. Well...maybe just one...


• Cat fight! Another police officer said Cocoa was "a Siamese cat with an attitude problem."


• What you have here is an instant classic.


• Read. Jump to page 1. Laugh. Repeat.


• Here's hoping Peter stays on his "little corner" of the web.


• From the I-didn't-really-want-to-know file: food, theoretically.


• A primer for Arctic life.


• It turns out Leonardo Da Vinci was a weirdo.

The Latest on Everything: If I was really really really smart, like Stephen Wolfram, the guy in this article, I might be able to understand whether this is something significant or not. He claims to have discovered a sort of theory of everything, a concept that is going to completely overhaul our understanding of existence. That's nice, but so does every street person and conspiracy theorist I have ever met. Difference is that Wolfram is a certified super-genius - Ph.D. in Physics while in his teens, creator of incomprehensible software, Mathematica, that solves the sort of horrendous equations that caused me not pursue an engineering degree. (That, and it interfered with my video game habits.)

I suppose when this work is released in full, there will all sorts of real-smart and poseur-smart people who will weigh in on it. Perhaps they'll have some sort of conference for people with smart credentials - you know, folks with a strange fashion sense, odd behavioral ticks, and lots of letters after their names. My guess is that won't make it much clearer to mere mortals.

And when all is said on done, they still won't understand their tax returns.

Mom, You're Not Helping: You know those movies where the elegant and erudite art thief uses all sorts of clever devices and scams to get past the supposedly impenetrable security to steal the painting and bring it back to his chalet to enjoy privately over a fine glass of Chateau LaTour? Well that's not what went on here. Apparently a certain French fellow (age 51, but still lives with his mother - hmmmm) has for the past 5 or 6 years been in the habit of stealing patinings from smaller art museums around Europe - primarily France and Switzerland. According to a radio interview I heard the other day, his modus operandi was to enter the museums with his girlfriend, have her stand look-out, cut the paintings out of their frames with an exacto knife, then walk out with the painting in his coat. He often picked up little pieces of silver and sculpture that would fit in his pockets also. Presumably, the security at these museums consisted of Pepe, the overfed, wine-besotted, retired constable, whom the police had trouble waking during their investigation. Quel Dommage!

Remarkably, he got caught for a smaller infraction and was only linked to all the robberies when his Mom panicked and destroyed all the paintings he had stolen over the years so there would be no evidence.

How can I presume to write comedy when stuff like this goes on?

Sickness and Health: I am in the grips of a horrendous disease: a decidedly uncommon cold. I feel betrayed. I take vitamins, I stay in shape, I do all the stuff that is supposed to make me healthy, wealthy and wise, and yet...excuse me while I hack up a lung. In any event, give me a day or so to recover and get some fresh material.

Maybe Later: Movies I have not seen: Lord of the Rings, Spiderman, Attack of the Clones. Actually, the only movie I have seen this year is Harry Potter, just because I was stuck in a hotel with little else to do - it wasn't bad despite the rather uninspiring ending. I suspect I'll see them all at some time or another in the upcoming years, either on HBO or TNT or AMC, depending on how many years I wait. Somehow, I think Roger Ebert's review of Attack of the Clones is probably more entertaining than the film itself:

Too much of the rest of the film is given over to a romance between Padme and Anakin in which they're incapable of uttering anything other than the most basic and weary romantic cliches, while regarding each other as if love was something to be endured rather than cherished. There is not a romantic word they exchange that has not long since been reduced to cliche.

No, wait: Anakin tells Padme at one point: "I don't like the sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating--not like you. You're soft and smooth." I hadn't heard that before.

Guffaw. Follow up here and here, where his partner disagrees in one of the geekiest exchanges I have ever read:

Ebert: You like the fact that Yoda turns into an action figure now with his light saber?

Roeper: I think that that is a scene [with Yoda] that "Star Wars" fans are going to absolutely love, I loved it.

Ebert: It's totally out of character for him.

Roeper: It's not totally out of character for him! That's part of his skills. He's not just this brilliant philosopher, he's also a Jedi warrior!

Ebert: Listen, if you're Yoda and you have the Force. ...

Roeper: He's a Jedi master.

Ebert: ...If you encompass the Force, you don't need no lightsaber!

Roeper: You do when you're going up against another Jedi dude who's also got super-duper mind powers!

I can just picture them having that argument over a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

Drugs Please: I'm fighting what I suspect is a losing war against a vicious cold. At this point, it's just making me feel lethargic; I'm sure the worst is yet to come. I am convinced that the proper way to deal with a cold is with sleep and drugs. It's generally best to balance the two, but since I feel guilty if I sleep too much too often, I have to balance it out with extra drugs. It's only fair to mention I do operate machinery while on drugs (computers mostly). That may become more evident as you read on. Or, at least, that'll be my excuse.

Headgear As A Metaphor: A very insightful essay from David Brooks outlining some of the differences between childhood today and childhood in times past.

This sort of childhood is different from the childhoods Americans have traditionally had. It's not an independent childhood, like Huck Finn's or the Bowery Boys'. Today's middle-class kids, by and large, don't live apart from adult society...

Excellent observation. And many good points about the primacy of self-improvement.

Aside: Ironically, or perhaps not, the notion of having adult expectations of children, while extending youthful pursuits well into middle-age is an underlying theme to my third novel, Misspent Youth. (Don't hold your breath.)

RIP X-Files: I know there's a big two-hour series finale next week, but I lost interest in the X-Files a couple years back; not surprisingly coinciding with The Sopranos (new season starts 9/15) appearing in the same time slot, the loss of David Duchovny's wry understated delivery, and most of all, the complete abandonment of humor or irony. The previews for last Sunday's show looked promising what with a Brady Bunch theme to it, so I watched it along with The Legendary KK. We agreed that it was cute, but a bit cheesy and trivial.

It made me think back to what were my favorite episodes from the past and I did a little research. It turns out my favorites (in order) were:

1. Jose Chung's From Outer Space - that was the one with Charles Nelson Reilly


2. Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose - that was the one with Peter Boyle as the guy who could see the future, won an Emmy if I recall.


3. War of the Coprophages - that was the one with the cockroaches taking over and an entomologist named Bambi

Anyway, it seems they were all written by the same man, a fellow named Darrin Morgan. The guy must be one of the most talented screenwriters alive. The Jose Chung episode is one phenomenal piece of drama of any type. If anyone knows what show Darrin Morgan is writing for today, please let me know.

Fat Is Phat: Anyone who's paid attention to health issues since, oh, forever, knows that what's bad for you this year will be good for you next year. I consider myself to be very healthy and not just for my age (apart from the aforementioned vicious cold) - I have never smoked, I am only addicted to caffeine, I workout like a demon - my only vice is that I eat WAY too much junk food. The thing is, I've been around long enough to see that what everyone snootily declares as unhealthy now, may be what we should have been eating all along. At one point, the key to long life was a carb-heavy, low-fat diet. Now, there's a cadre of folks who believe you should count carbs, not calories. Steak was once a killer, but according to this, things seem to be changing again. Until they come up with a study to show Taco Bell is the key to longevity, I will continue to file the Grand Philosophies of Diet under "W" for Whatever.

Miscellaneous Madness: Places to go on a lost weekend:

• Whatever this is, I hope it includes a more accurate calendar. [[edit 5/13]] It was a "big event coming soon" page with a date of March 13th when they meant May 13th. Turns out is was just a big sale at Yahoo Shopping. Waste of time. Idiots.


• McSweeney's is a wonderful place, full of odd humor. For example, check out these lists. See what I mean? Odd.


• You know you're a Russian redneck if you have a Space Shuttle up on blocks in your driveway.


• Note to all talking heads: please review this list of logical fallacies before speaking from now on.


• I better be careful when I buy my new Camry.


• Piracy worthy of Han Solo.


• Baseball minus the between pitch package adjustments.

Uh, Thanks For The Info: Trolling around on some web design sites I happened to spot a link to this review on Amazon.com:

My friend is named Dan and he really likes this book. He first showed it to me outside during recess. We are both only 13 . If I had to chose over either this Ed Ruscha book or a Sega dream cast, playstation 2, alot of chocolate, a gun that looked real but wasn't, but felt real cause it was so heavy, I would choose the gun, probably because I couldn't get a gun now( I am not 21) and because none of my friends have ever seen a gun, it would be cool. But I still would like to flip through this book, but I don't know if I'd buy it, especially with my own money.

Alrighty then.

The Ugly European: Mark Steyn goes over-the-top in dissing pretty much all of Europe, but this line caught my eye:

You’re six times more likely to be mugged in London than in New York. The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea has a worse crime rate than Harlem.

Does anyone know if that is true? If so, it's quite a change from the last, oh, fifty years.

Life Imitates 70s TV Shows: The Bionic Man was cool, cuz he made that oscillating sound when he ran sixty miles per hour in slow motion. Of course, these aren't the Wonder Years anymore, so we get Bionics for real. Eyesight to the blind. Amazing stuff. I'm counting on being mostly machine by the time I'm in my 130s.

Cheap Rags: Best Deals Magazines is a real find for magazine subscriptions. You can either get new subscriptions or renew existing ones dirt cheap. There's a whole section of good stuff for $3.95, which is pretty close to free. These are big name magazines, too. I'm getting Men's Journal, Conde Nast Traveler and Business 2.0 for $3.95 each. Lots more available. Check it out. You friends and family don't have to know you only spent $3.95 for their gift.. (Note: I have actually done this both for new subscriptions and renewals. It is not a scam, from my experience.)

Cinco de Mayo: Actually it was yesterday, but that doesn't mean I can't direct you to some cool tequila sites. A general tequila FYI might be what you're looking for, but I recommend you read Tequila for Grown-ups, for the scoop on what's hot and what's not. POf course, it puts me in mind a great article I once read about the perfect Margarita.

Not Sublime, Just Ridiculous: WWW stands for Wild, Weird and Wacky. Here's my proof:

• This one cracked me up. A couple not only robs a Starbucks, but works the drive-thru for a while to pad their earnings. Save that one for the next Coen Brothers film.


• Stupid Actual Patent #1: Using a laser pointer on your cat.


• Stupid Actual patent #2: The comb-over.


• Stupid Actual Patent #3: How many different states license plates do you spot on your last road trip?


• I would argue that Prince Philip is actually the high-point of contemporary British satire.


• Mike Tyson surpasses satire and falls into the realm of zany madcap comedy.


• For that full bodied flavor in your wine, you should start with Big Ass Grapes.

Any Hurons Left?: My undergraduate degree is from Eastern Michigan University. Back then, we were The EMU Hurons. Years later, in a fit of political correctness, they became the Eagles, presumably after the bird, but who knows - it could be an homage to Hotel California. In any event, I'm looking for a place to buy EMU Hurons clothing, just like we had in the old days. I'm especially interested the green sweatshirts with the Huron logo on the front. Anybody got any ideas? (No, I will not pay you for your ratty old one that doesn't fit you anymore. I want a new one.)

Mo' Better Blue: I raved about the Discovery Channel mini-series The Blue Planet when it ran a few months back. In the nick of time I discovered that four new hours are going to debut tomorrow (Sunday). Lucky I happened on promo, otherwise I may have had to wait a day or two until they re-ran it. Count on it being at least a cut above your garden variety nature show; if it achieves the quality of the first, it will be astonishing.

RIP Linda Lovelace: I stumbled on this sensitive, well-researched and exceptionally well written obituary of porn-queen-turned-ersatz-feminist Linda Lovelace, by Joe Bob Briggs. It put me in mind of one of my favorite movies, Boogie Nights. For those who haven't seen the movie (or those who are snickering about it), Boogie Nights is a fictional portrayal of the pornography industry in the late '70s. There is plenty of nudity and sex, but it is anything but erotic. What's amazing is its portrayal of the odd motivations of the players in the industry - none of them are truly evil or even mean spirited, they are, in fact, simple minded to a certain extent and driven by an incredible desire for attention and praise. They live an insular existence, almost as if there were in a cult. It is a unique and exceptional film. You can get the same sense from the obituary.

Turn to Page 2: If you follow sports, the very best place on the web is ESPN Page 2. That's where things get irreverent and free-wheeling. That's also where you'll find Hunter S. Thompson.

Roy Rogered: Believe me, there is nothing more pompous than a writer with an award. Falling into this category is the insufferable Indian novelist Arundahti Roy who, after winning a Booker prize for writing one of those smarmy socially conscious novels that the New York Review of Books labels "groundbreaking" or "definitive" or some other dime-a-dozen adjective, promptly got herself arrested protesting the building of a dam (huh?), insulted the presiding judge, and found her spoiled backside in a jail cell for a couple of days. Naturally, she emerged shamelessly claiming herself a hero for enduring such a terrible ordeal.

I once read that the job of a satirist is to Puncture all Pomposity. Perhaps that's why it pleased me so to see Amrit Dhillon puncture her pomposity in this properly pointed article.

It's Blog-alicious: Blogmistress Sheri over at Sheri~SHOT dropped a line to say Hi. Sheri~SHOT is a top-drawer personal blog. Unlike many bloggers Sheri actually has something to SAY, and she says it well, and in a lively voice. Makes sense as she has had some experience in journalism. You can also peruse her personal page where you will find she is employed as a night auditor in a hotel. I can relate. I used to be a night auditor. Actually, I wasn't a night auditor, I was the boss of night auditors, but I got the calls at 2 am when the night auditor didn't show up. Oddly, I am overcome with morbid fear whenever the phone rings since then. Anyway, put Sheri~SHOT on your short list of blogs.

Kill Your Cineplex: I knocked off this brief screed about what a truly nasty experience it is to visit a movie theatre. Apart from the entertainment value, it will also provide you a glimpse into the future. When I am an old man, I plan to rant and fume pointlessly like that pretty much non-stop. Consider it a retirement goal.

(BTW, don't be shocked. I'm starting to move all the features to a new document template that looks more professional and less like some marginally cogent typist scrawled them out in a fit of lunacy. Or something.)

So Sorry: I promised you more content by today but I'm still behind the eight ball. Tomorrow for sure. In the mean time, amuse yourself with the latest issue of Forbes FYI, and especially Christopher Buckley's coverage of Supreme Court Decisions. Guffaw.

Back Again: Just a brief note to tell you I'm back. I spent the last few days in Louisville, Kentucky with a brief side trip to Columbus, Ohio. Weeee. I'll probably write something about it but I don't know quite what because it had to be one of the dullest trips ever. With apologies to The Legendary KK who goes on an annual pilgrimage down there for the Thunder Over Louisville fireworks display, there just ain't a whole lot to do. Next week is Derby Week (as in The Kentucky Derby), so it may be bustling then, but what happens when that's over? The downtown area is truly dreary. The suburbs are identical to suburbs in any other city in the country. I had no terrible experiences, but I can't think of anything to recommend it. Anyway, more on that later. And more fresh content in a couple of days. For now there's email, and snail mail, and laundry....

Later 'Gator: This'll be my last post for a week-ish. Do not fret, I shall return hale and hearty, and I promise to have some new material. For now, I leave you with some linkage, both subtle and gross:

• The coolest thing about travelling into space is all the frequent flyer miles.


• You know how when you were a kid and you got bored swinging straight, you angled yourself off to the side so you swung in an oval. Well, apparently that behavior has now been patented. Meaning, if you pushed your kid sideways on a swing, you may owe someone royalties. That's a real patent, I am not making that up. Be sure to read the part about producing "a Tarzan yell".


• I saw this site and now I'm thinking my next car may be a station wagon.


• A couple of years ago I had my eyes scalded with a laser, the result being my eyesight is perfect for the first time since adolescence. Lasik works well for nearsightedness, but the FDA has now approved a new treatment for farsightedness that uses radio waves instead of a laser. No more Dr. Evil jokes.


• My continued fascination with design compels me to learn more about Great Buildings.


• Art History is another source of fascination, so the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Art History Time Line is another keeper.


• It is axiomatic in literature that mass-market books will sell better if they feature a cat. Is that also true for Yoga?


• I haven't participated in a run in a while, but I'd do the James Joyce Ramble if I could. As long as I don't have to pretend I understand Finnegan's Wake.


• Yeeeowch!.


• Michael Moore is a skank - no, a BIG skank, and he's a chicken-butt, and he can't sue me.

Rated P.G.: P.G. Wodehouse is certainly one of my favorite writers ever. I have probably been through the entire Jeeves and Wooster cannon twice. Unlike many other satirists of his time, he never had an ounce of disdain for his caricatures (although I suppose he was more of farceur than a satirist). He wrote something on the order of 90 books, all of them characterized by florid sentences and unmatched vocabulary. This article in Slate does a decent summary of his life from the standpoint of explaining him as really more American than British, despite his birth and the Edwardian Country House settings that he is known for. Best line: "He himself liked to characterize his work as 'a sort of musical comedy without music.' " That about says it all.

I don't want to give the impression that you should run out and read P.G. It's hard for many people to get past the extraordinary Englishness of Jeeves and Wooster. And let's face it, a comedy of manners is not something that plays well to an audience with South Park sensibilities. On the other hand, a sharp observer would see the close relationship between Wodehouse and Seinfeld. The comedy is all based on the desire to follow social norms, whether they be real or imagined, and how doing this leads to complications and embarrassing farce. (Now there's a good topic for an essay.)

If you're curious about P.G. Wodehouse and you don't want to dig into the print, I highly recommend the Masterpiece Theatre serializations starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. They are spot-on perfect.

Funny? Funny How?: I have mentioned the novel Lucky Jim, by Kingsely Amis, before. It is the seminal post-war comic satire. I have vowed to re-read it after looking over this comprehensive analysis of what made it funny, by Christopher Hitchens in The Atlantic. One of the lead characters in my next novel, which may one day actually see publication, was named after the lead character (and the other by the lead in different Kingsely Amis novel, Jake's Thing). That will give you an idea of how highly I think of Amis' work. Best line: "Amis managed in Lucky Jim (1954) to synthesize the comic achievements of Evelyn Waugh and P. G. Wodehouse."

And yes, you can get a good Masterpiece Theatre interpretation of Lucky Jim on video, too.

Dave via Dave: Props of Extraordinary Magnitude go out to weblogger Dave Lowe who doubles as a columnist for Backwash.com. His Backwash page is titled Slightly Left of Center where the sharp eyed among you will notice a link to my beer essay. You go Dave.

Dave has is the proprietor of a stunningly well designed weblog, DaveDorm, which has me more than a little jealous. Of course, I should note compared to him, I'm a mere pup of a blogger. He's been at it since 1994.

Site Bites: You're probably guessing from the above that I am thinking of a site redesign again. Well, I'm not - so Neener Neener Neener. What I am planning on is reworking the links in the nav bar. I've decided it's silly for me to have links to popular sites that thousands of people visit everyday. Instead I shall link first to all the princely people who link to me. Since I don't really have time to sit down in my HTML editor and do that at the moment, I'll just pass along the results of a Google search for pages that link to me, and I'll make them permanent Real Soon Now:

• Pseudodictionary - cutting edge vocabulary


• Ghost in the Machine - bloggage on anything and everything.


• A Small Victory - I lost track of this one when the name changed from A Fire Inside. More fine bloggage.


• Technoerotica - it's not a porn site, despite the name


• charging the canvas
- art-oriented blog, with current event commentary.

• Slightly Left of Center
- described above.

• Slobokan's Site O' Schtuff - not actually front page link, but he did call a dam site a "GREAT Blog" in his post.

If I've missed anyone you have my sincerest apologies. These are all that Google has at the moment. If you link to me and you're not listed above, email me and I'll set you up in short order.

Me: Right Now: First, you should know I working on a rant about going to the movies, how irritating it is, and how to fix it. Coming soon. I'm am getting a little fiction written - very very little. That's got to change. It will. I have been trying to refinance my house for a few weeks now. All my work is done but apparently Countrywide (who is going to provide me with thousands for American Airlines points for refinancing with them) has forgotten I exist. No such thing as service anymore.

I've also been exploring the possibility of seeing a chiropractor. A local guy came to my gym to give posture evaluations. I didn't have any problems, but I've seen myself slouched over like Joe Osteoporosis once too many times at the end of the day. It may work or it may not. It may just be something to write about.

That Was Zen, This Is Tao: Forwarded by The Legendary KK, Your Daily Moment of Zen (modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.


• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to to it.
• Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


• No one is listening until you fart.


• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.


• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


• Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.


• Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment


• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket


• A closed mouth gathers no foot.


• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


• Never miss a good chance to shut up.


• We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our bum... then things get worse.


• Worry is today's mouse eating tomorrow's cheese


• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Donuts Anyone?: Snagged from the forums at Ars Technica:

• I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)


• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


• Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


• Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


• Are You Andy or Barney?


• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer


• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


• I pay your salary!


• Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


• Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


• When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


• What? You need a license to drive?


• Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!


• Is your power a penis substitute?


• Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk


• Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.


• Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.


• Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?


• A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.


• Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?


• Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.


• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.


• Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?


• My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal


• Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!


• Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?


• You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me


• In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?


• If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight


• Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?


• Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either


• Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut


• Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?


• Do you have any idea who you're talking to?


• There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.


• What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alcohol
  
• That uniform makes your ass look really big.


• You don't happen to have any beer in your car?


• I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.


• So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Six Feet Going Under?: I'm very disappointed in the current season of Six Feet Under. The complex characters have gotten a good deal more single-minded. The delicately and intelligently handled homosexuality has become a gimmick. They've introduced a poor but precocious little black child and a crazy ex-hippie aunt who seem awfully cliche. What's worse is that it has become luridly sexual for no good purpose that I can see. A shame.

I think once the next Sopranos season ends I may have to write a follow-up to my HBO essay. I'd hate to have anyone stumble on it in the far future and think me to be tasteless.

Blogsnobbin': I've told you how to Blog-Snob before - follow the random blog link and the bottom of the right side column, check out what you see, and then find the similar link on that page. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Here's what I came across:

• Groovy blog - striking design, a personal journal; clearly the proprietor is as fascinated with sharp looking web pages as yours truly.


• My Views on the News - Commentary on current issues and headlines, said the Master of All that is Obvious.


• Small Town Life - Personal journal from a guy just up the road at Albion College (or Alien College to the witty set).


• Gnome Girl - Personal journal with techie twist by a fan of cyber-personality Lockergnome (Chris Pirillo).


• What's He Thinking? - Sex and naughty language blog by a really really horny guy (or maybe just an honest typical guy). Don't visit if you are easily offended.


• Neurotwitch - Original design. Personal journal plus links (remind you of anything familiar?)


• nutz - teenage personal journal with lots of pics.


• My So Called Life - Religion - You know how I am sometimes - all cranky and ornery? This guy appears to be like that 24/7. This is the section devoted to ranting about religion.


• Telulah - Quintessentially personal journal. I'm guessing if I knew the author it would have more meaning to me.


• hopeless romantics - Cool design with 3D box look. Personal journal.


• Glossolalia - Active Personal Journal plus links.


• Rocketwhores - Not as scary as the name implies, but avoid the staff pictures. Working hard to satirize Pop Culture. Sadly, the author seems to be a fan of Michael Moore (ack!).


• Typical Situation - Thoughts and comments from a teen struggling with school and life.


• Empty Bottle - Ace 'Blog! Lots of great links and snide comments. I will be eternally grateful for the link to The Dude's House.

Knock Yourself Out...: ...with these high-flyin', house shakin', hard rockin' links to keep you 'mused and confused.

• Why work out when you can just take a pill. These scientists should stop playing God with bodybuilding.


• From the back of the I-am-not-making-this-up file.


• A remarkable collection of early recordings from Tinfoil.com. I spent way more time and bandwidth there than I should have. It's remarkable to think that every written word, every image, and every recorded sound may be saved forever from now on.


• Speaking of time, a museum freak like me could waste spend an awful lot of it at the Museum of Museums.


• Phenomenal Photos: here and here.


• You know all that stuff sold on TV infomercials? Find out if it works.


• THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING VIDEO I HAVE EVER SEEN. You'll need broadband, and speakers. (Don't worry, it's work safe.)

Don't Touch Pete's Piece: Last night TNN replayed the first six episodes of a legendary, but short-lived, old TV series called The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. This was a western in the vain of the Wild Wild West (the cool TV show, not the lame movie), but the writer's must have been gagging from keeping their tongues wedged so deeply in their cheeks. Clever scripts, a good balance of campy action and comedy, excellent timing, and killer pacing (you know how I am about pacing) - it could be considered as a pre-cursor to all the hyper-ironic magic-realism that's so popular now, e.g. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed.

A perfect example of what is wrong with TV. We can get 100 knock-offs of Everybody Loves Raymond, all the dire and bloated drama of West Wing or The Practice, and reality shows, well, don't get me started. Brisco lasted 27 episodes. Feh!

Stealin' Stones and Breakin' Bones: So once Brisco was over it was too late to start on anything productive so I surfed to HBO and landed on Snatch. I'd like to tell you what the movie is about but I can't. In fact, I could barely understand the dialog (which may have been intentional). But, I was riveted by the pacing (that word again) and the intensity of the acting. Not surprising since it was directed by Guy Ritchie who also did a similar and great film called Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels which was equally intense, but a bit more articulate.

Can you tell I spent last night sitting about like Jabba The Hut?

Demon Gasbag Plagarist: Not only is Michael Moore full of crap, it's not even his own crap. So millionaire now pulls stuff off the internet and puts it in his over-priced book, wherein he rails against rich folks who don't have to work for a living. Work, as in original writing?

Flogging a Wet Horse: Flint, Michigan ain't a bad town. OK, it's not paradise. Crime is high in certain areas. It could be a little better off economically. But it's not like it's Gary, Indiana or something.

I have some minor connections to Flint. Miss Kate's relatives are originally from Flint (although I note most have fled). And, of course, The Legendary KK is originally from Flint. So it is important to remember that not everyone who is from Flint is grotesque and insufferable.

Just Michael Moore.

As it happens, KK has actually had a close encounter with the demon gasbag in the flesh. As she puts it:

Michael Moore is the backwoods cousin who rarely takes a shower and has eyes that are set just a little bit to far apart.

You think I'm kidding about the "rarely takes a shower" comment, don't you?

Trust me, I've sat WAY too close to that man in the movie theater before.
Wet horses smell better than he did...

There you have it.

The above comments came in comparing the horrendous Moore to another Flint-oid, Andrew Heller, "Flint's Golden Boy," who is a clever and funny journalist.

No Disk Can Hold Me: Well, I finally got my interview digitized. I'd post it, but sadly, it's about a 380 meg file (no comments on the size of my ego, please). I know you love me and all, but even with a broadband connection that's a loooooong download. So now I'm trying to gather information about video compression and so forth. Once again, everything has to be complicated. Anyone got any good ideas?

You Gotta Have Art: I managed to get to the Toledo Art Museum this weekend. It's nice little trip only about an hour away from me.

It appears to be located in a ghetto. Seriously, I wouldn't want to be spending a lot of time walking around in the surrounding neighborhood. But you park just across the street and immediate area seems safe.

The museum is nice, if unspectacular (yes, I'm a museum snob). There are Monets and Picassos and plenty of Renaissance stuff; a nice ancient art exhibit; lots of glass work from throughout history. There was a special exhibition on industrial design that I was looking forward to, but it turned out to be only industrial design that had a connection to Toledo, which naturally limited the scope. Still not bad.

It's not a large place. You can cover most everything in an afternoon. There are events running regularly. Free admission (although they charge for special exhibits). A nice way to spend a rainy day.

This Just In: From KK, the intrepid reporter, we hear that the Ann Arbor Lone Star Steakhouse has packed it in. I prefer to believe it was due to the great influence of this review.

Pits and Bieces: For you weekend reading pleasure.

• The 10 Worst Cars from those car talk guys. I used to own a Pinto. Yep.


• Roger Ebert comes down hard on proposed copy protection. Thumbs up.


• A new search engine puts the beloved Google in it's sights. Not there yet, but maybe.


• The Louvre. Not only could I spend a lot of time there in real life, it makes me wish I had broadband.


• Once I become an certified evil genius bent on ruling the world, I shall use one of these as my headquarters to hatch my nefarious schemes.


• This device is the definitive work of evil genius.


• A final slap in the face before summer.

Yet Moore Lies: Ben Fritz took the time to verify the world according to The Demon Moore and found it to be highly imaginary. Not surprising. Sadly, Fritz makes the mistake of taking Moore seriously to being with and so doesn't take the opportunity to call him any fun names.

Nobel Prize for Slap-downs: My favorite, P.J. O'Rourke, has taken a moment to dismantle a stunningly pompous statement, signed by a gaggle of Nobel Prize winners, designed to seem charitable and noble while solely serving the purpose of inflating their bloated self-images. All I can say is "heh, heh, heh."

RIP, Billy Wilder: I'm late to the line on this one. Billy Wilder was an amazing director. He is regularly lauded for some classic dramas such as Double Indemnity, The Lost Weekend and Sunset Boulevard, but his comedies were even better. Some Like it Hot, The Seven Year Itch and The Apartment are universally renowned as some of the best movie comedies ever. My favorite: The little known comedy One, Two, Three - James Cagney's second to last role and the best Cold War movie ever. Here's the full list of credits. Never has the phrase "They don't make 'em like that anymore," been more true.

Mail Travails: The mail account I use for this site - dzot@usa.net - used to be a freebie I got as a benefit for having an Amex card. No more. Amex isn't sponsoring it anymore so the folks at usa.net are going to charge me thirty bucks a year to keep my free account. It's a shame. I love that account because the spam in minimal and I could reach it from any browser anywhere, and if I got fired or changed ISP I still had it. So, as a result, it has become my main e-mail face to the world so, as a further result, I am over a barrel as far as letting it go.

I paid the fee. On the one hand, it chafes me, and I blame Amex for ditching out on the sponsorship. On the other hand, if it's so useful, I really can't complain about thirty bucks a year. I spend more than that on Diet Coke every week.

The other issue is my hotmail account. The only place I use that is on www.ReadApplePie.com, and it gets easily 100-150 spams a week. So I think I'm going to axe that one and maybe try a Lycos account. Suggestions for quality web mail services are welcome.

Summer Music: Soak up the Sun, by Sheryl Crow, is making me think of summer when I need it most.

Wow: I am truly and deeply honored by this award. A heartfelt thanks to the committee and especially to my wonderful readers.

I'll Be Right Back: Well, I did have nice weekend. I didn't do much of anything productive, but that was kind of the point. You see, my weekends are pretty much like my weekdays. I go into to work to get a head start on this or that, and then at home I sit in front of the computer and work on whatever projects I have going - my web sites, query letters, writing projects. Mix in time to go to the gym and that's pretty much my whole life. This weekend I did all of that, just less of it. I took a long walk in the arboretum, I watched a bit of TV, I slept in.

In any event, I'm going to take one last night off, then I'll be back tomorrow with some actual content for you.

Step Away From The Internet: It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend. I'm going to make every effort to enjoy it and keep myself OFF-LINE. That means I probably won't be back until early next week. So here's some clever stuff for your entertainment until my triumphant return.

• Hall of Shame #1: Lawmakers who whine about doing without their French chef. 'Scuse me while I go get a stale sandwich from the vending machine.


• Hall of Shame #2: Maxim magazine names Detroit the greatest city on earth - but only in the issues distributed to the Detroit area. This gets big 'What Were You Thinking?' But then, Maxim readers probably don't spend a lot of time on the articles.


• You're a citizen of mainland China. You've paid your dues to the post-communist system. You've played the autoritarian protocol well enough to find yourself in a position of wealth and power. What are you going to do now? I'm going to Vegas!


• Longtime reader Inne Ten Have points out that Capt. Kirk seems to be the new ruler of Liberia. Another swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood for a struggling third world nation.


• I haven't read much of the Pop Cult e-zine, but I will. I am such a sucker for retro graphics like that. Definitely one of the best looking sites I've seen.


• From the How Did I Get Along Without This? file, we have Sleeping in Airports. If you are getting on a plane, take a look at the write ups for the airports you'll be visiting. It may get you a decent nights sleep.