My New Friends: I have been admitted to the "sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, and technology" known as Blogcritics.org. I am honored, although I'm not entirely sure of the requirements for membership other than being a blogger and being critical. And being superior - let's not forget superior.

Seriously, Blogcritics.org is well renowned and widely read. This is very cool.

I posted a quick rant on Divas, which will surprise none of you, but I'm looking forward to having a second home to express my nasty self in the future.

Future of the Past: My interest in intriguing graphic art is never ending, and recently I stumbled on the works of A.C. Radebaugh, currently on exhibit in Philadelphia. This is amazing stuff of the 1930-Art-Deco-In-The-Future-Cars-Will-Fly genre. Check out this one for a quick taste (may take a few seconds to download). Is this one not perfect?

Tigers by the Tail: The woeful state of the Detroit Tigers is perfectly described in this terrific article by ESPN Page 2's Eric Neel.

...they sit dead last in all of baseball in team batting average (.214, and nobody on the squad is hitting as high as .300), on-base percentage (.285 -- every other team in the majors over .300), and slugging percentage (.324), and next-to-last in home runs (37 -- less than half the 80 put up by the Braves so far).

They got it bad and it ain't good.

For those of you who like your coffee black, your whiskey straight and your stories told in cold, hard facts, let's put it like this: The three pitchers receiving the worst run-support in the bigs right now are Tigers Jeremy Bonderman (2.22 runs/game), Adam Bernero (2.26) and Mike Maroth (2.97). For those of you who think more poetically and metaphorically, let's say it like this: The Tigers score runs the way governors grant clemency and pretty girls hand out their phone numbers -- rarely, and only after great pleading and prayer.

Eric was assigned to watch the Tigers for a week and to his credit, he worked hard to find some sort of positive angle. He ended up with something along the lines of "just ignore how bad they are and appreciate that you are watching baseball." Nice try, Eric.

What's happened to the Tigers is a shame. Certainly the owner, Mike Ilitch, is not sleepwalking through his tenure. The guy also owns the Red Wings who have dominated the NHL for the past few years. The President and CEO, Dave Dombrowski, has built winners elsewhere and has a rep for being as sharp as they come. Last year, Dombrowski made noises about needing room under the salary cap and not having any tradable players. Maybe he's just cleaned house this year so he can start rebuilding with some wiggle room.

That's probably the best scenario, and it wouldn't surprise me if the Tigers are contending again in a three or four years.

Bully, but what about in ten years when they are bad again. A winning team will fill seats and make everyone money, but it seems to me that baseball owners would want to think about what they have to do to make money when the team is in the midst of a few losing seasons, which will be about 50% of the time.

Maybe they don't care; maybe they plan on building a winner and selling at a profit. Or maybe they don't think it through. A few years ago, Ilitch committed to a new stadium, Comerica Park, in downtown Detroit - a 40 minute inconvenient drive from primary audience, which is out in the suburbs. I have expressed my misgivings about Detroit before so I won't rehash them. The fact is, yes, people will make the trek into Detroit for a winner, but not for a loser. Wouldn't it be better to make going to the game an event beyond the result of the game? How about locating the stadium 40 minutes the other way - west - towards Ann Arbor, which has the infrastructure to handle 100,000 Michigan football fans on Saturdays in the fall. It also has little problems with crime, great restaurants for post-game and, in the outskirts, plenty of room to build. You could leave work a little early, pick up the kids at school around four, hit Ann Arbor by 5-ish and have some fun hangin' around town or in the multitude of parks before the game. Instead, you get to pack up the kids, fight traffic and horrendous streets, hop back in the car as soon as the game is over to get the kids to safety, and stop at Chuck E. Cheese in Dearborn on the way home. Are you going to be keen on doing that for a no-name loser? Didn't think so.

Memorial Day Links: Since you probably spent half the day in traffic just so you could get to an overcrowded park where you discovered you're not so good at Frisbee, ants are a superior species, and that splinter in your arm from the picnic table feels like it's turning gangrenous, why not distract yourself with some these random links I've collected.

• In contrast to your basic tabloid psychic, the folks over at Long Bets are making 'educated' guesses about the future. And some are putting their money where their mouths are. Now we just need Vegas to set odds for the rest of us to join in.


• Remember that game Mousetrap, where you design a Rube Goldberg style contraption to drop cage over a mouse? Well, if you have a little bandwidth (4 Meg) to spare check out this Honda commercial from the UK. Amazing. For more background read this.


• Since I've taken up climbing at my local climbing gym, I've been looking for something like this to improve my technique. Now if I could just get some super strong web silk to spray out of my wrist I'd be upside down kissing Kirsten Dunst in no time.


• For my Ann Arbor homies, the Top of the Park schedule is out. That makes it officially summer.


• For further reading, go ahead and check out the nominees for this year's Webby Awards. (Unjustly, a dam site is not included.) The selections are on the conventional side, but there are certain to be gems among them.

Moose Sighting: Even if you've only been paying passing attention to the news lately, you know the saga of Jayson Blair, who completely fabricated or plagiarized all sorts of stories for the New York Times and still managed to have a stellar career either because the NYT management was desperate to promote and encourage a black reporter or because they were completely clueless and grotesquely incompetent.

It really doesn't matter to me. It's not like I would read or believe the NYT any more than any other paper. Besides, journalism is easy - comedy is difficult. That's why this report from the competing New York Daily News caught my eye.

In a surreal moment that reminded one staffer of Shari Lewis' old TV show, [publisher Arthur "Pinch"] Sulzberger produced a stuffed toy moose that he sometimes trots out as a symbol of open communication.

Its use struck some in the audience as a tone-deaf and patronizing gesture.

Sulzberger handed the moose to Raines, who laid it aside.

No, not Shari Lewis - South Park, with Pinch Sulzberger and the Moose as Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat. We're I in that room, the only thing that would be going through my mind is: Oh. My. God. Time to update my resume.

Here is a man who has considerable influence over one of the most respected journalistic outlets in the world, not to mention the careers and livelihood of countless NYT staff. His company is mired in an embarrassing, debilitating scandal. It is a time of grave crisis, and he is trying to make a point with a TOY MOOSE. If I worked diligently for my entire life, I could not come up with more venomous satire.

This moose business - often referred to as the "moose on the table" or the "moose in the room" - comes from a favored metaphor of overpaid management consultants and other people looking to sound thoughtful and knowledgeable. A sample can be read in this otherwise dry article from the American Institute of Architects (but don't read the article, just follow this excerpt):

When a group of people get together to discuss an issue, to solve a problem, to vision for the future, sometimes there is a moose in the room. But no one wants to acknowledge its presence. The moose walks around, sits down, at times crosses its legs and is totally ignored by people in the room. Why is that? Well, it may be uncomfortable for some to talk about the moose; discussion about the moose could open up a whole new can of worms that some people are not prepared to handle. Some are in total denial of its existence even when the moose stops and stares them in the face. It could be just plain scary and awkward to discuss the moose, but, in order to have a truly meaningful, in-depth discussion on any issue, we need to overcome our denial and put on the table those aspects of the issue that may be difficult, scary and awkward to discuss. If we don't, we limit our chances for success. The likely outcome will fall far short of our hopes because, no matter how much we would rather not deal with it, the moose will not be ignored. In short, we need to throw the moose on the table.

Or this entire book, titled Put the Moose on the Table:

Like a moose in the living room, some problems are hard to ignore. Randall Tobias says that whether these problems are in business or in life, it is best to confront them openly and honestly.

Now, I'm all for dealing with things honestly and courageously, but if you treat me like a child I am going to immediately write you off and dismiss everything you say. Memo to all managers: If you find yourself in a situation where people don't think it is in their best interest to be honest and open with you, it is because you have not given them any reason to think they can. Who knows, maybe they're afraid they'll find themselves in conflict with the latest management fad and thereby fall into your bad graces. Or maybe they just don't get paid enough to stomach another metaphor. Whatever the case, unleashing the Moose is going to make things worse. If you can't deal with a problem without resorting to cliched leadership seminar doublespeak or silly attention grabbing displays, why should I think you can handle the truth (apologies to Jack Nicholson)?

You know, in Vietnam, when soldiers were in life-threatening situations and the officer was going to make things worse by leading them based on high-sounding procedures from some army manual, they just shot the officer and blamed it on the enemy. Those were more civilized times.

I'm put in mind of the show Northern Exposure. The doctor from New York finds himself having to practice medicine amongst the goofy and eccentric residents of a small town in Alaska. Occasionally, a moose would amble through the middle of town. The goofy residents paid no attention, but for the doctor from NY, it symbolized how far he had come from conventional reality - he was really out there.

Well that's the New York Times these days - really out there. They have transcended journalism and achieved comedy. Bravo.

Keeping it All Hush Hush: The NYT has a feature on how bloggers are getting in trouble in some cases for posting about their personal lives and or careers under the assumption that other concerned parties won't read them. Case in point.

Heather Armstrong, a 27-year-old Web designer from Utah whose blog is at www.dooce.com, might be the ultimate example of blogging gone awry. Her parents are devout Mormons, she said, but because they are also technophobes, she felt perfectly comfortable publishing an entry on her site in which she harshly criticized her Mormon upbringing.

Unfortunately for Ms. Armstrong, her brother in Seattle stumbled across her Web site that very day and alerted her parents to the entry. After that, Ms. Armstrong said, "all hell broke loose." "Next to my parents getting divorced 20 years ago," Ms. Armstrong said, "it was the worst thing that ever happened to my family. It was shocking for everyone."

Ms. Armstrong's run-in with the perils of self-publishing did not end there. She also wrote about her job and her co-workers in her blog, often hyperbolically.

When her bosses were alerted that Ms. Armstrong was writing about her office life, they fired her, she said. She is now much more careful about what she publishes in her blog, and she had a word of caution for bloggers who write furtively about others. "If you're publishing under your own name, they'll find out," she said. "I was extremely naive."

This is like putting slanderous flyers up all over your street and feeling safe because the person you want to insult lives two streets over. It's not called the World Wide Web for nothing.

It highlights a fundamental problem with vanity blogging. If you are writing primarily about yourself, you are either going to have to cover the various personal relationships you have, or you are going to end up documenting what color socks you wore or what you had for lunch everyday. You may occasionally have a brilliant insight you can expound on, but life is mostly made up of the mundane.

Keeping a blog relevant is a surprisingly difficult task. That's why the most successful blogs are themed around a single topic, or at least they go light on personal details of the author's life and heavy on smart-arsed commentary (like the one you're reading now).

For the record: I NEVER write about work. I NEVER write about my personal relationships (not much of a problem for me). When I write about my friends I always use first name only or a pseudonym. And if I publish an email from you I will hide the full address - unless it's terribly insulting or threatening and I want to reveal you for the cretinous dolt that you are.

I Got Nothin': So when I got nothin', is it better to post to tell you I got nothin', or just not post?

OK, I have a little more than nothing. For Miss Kate, the coaster queen, I have a blow-by-blow account of a ride on Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster. You have yourself a good time. I'll be in the bar.

And, since every other weblog in the universe seems to be linking to this story, I suppose I had better let you in on it. It seems a woman with the pseudonym Isabella is telling a story of fleeing her home country and going into hiding to avoid an arranged marriage. This article in Wired gives you a good summary and all the links you need if you want to follow the soap opera along. I'm inclined to think it's a hoax, but a harmless and entertaining one, I suppose.

Who am I to gripe, at least she has something to post.

Business As Usual: If you've been following the overly melodramatic saga of the title of my next book, you know it's gone from Hijinks Ensue, an unknown phrase to an alarming number of people, to A Pleasure Doing Business With You which is fun, but a bit unwieldy. The latest entry is Business as Usual which I kind of like. It's flippant, yet terse - just like me. We'll see. Opinions are welcome.

A Man Out Of Time: The good folks over at Boing Boing gave my Casino Royale Review a nice plug. The associated comments contain one of the best quotes ever.

I wish I could go back to that time sometimes, when people smoked and drank constantly, over dressed, and were blatantly mysoginist racists. The closest thing I've experienced is the Kentucky Derby.

Classic.

Quality Is Job 1: The latest J.D. Power survey of initial quality is out and here are the results in complaints per 100 cars:

76 Lexus
103 Cadillac
110 Infiniti
111 Acura
112 Buick
113 Mercury
117 Porsche
118 BMW
121 Toyota
122 Jaguar
128 Honda
128 Volvo
130 Chevrolet
132 Audi
132 Mercedes-Benz
133 Industry Average
134 Oldsmobile
136 Chrysler
136 Ford
137 Dodge
139 Lincoln
139 Nissan
142 Pontiac
143 Hyundai
143 Volkswagen
144 GMC
144 Suzuki
146 Jeep
148 Mazda
148 Mitsubishi
158 Saturn
160 Saab
166 Mini
168 Kia
190 Land Rover
225 Hummer

Many things jump out. First, Lexus is head and shoulders above anyone else - by a lot. Second, Hummer is almost as outstandingly bad as Lexus is good. Third, some rebadged models have very different ratings. For example, Fords and Mercurys share many models, as do Buick and Olds and Pontiac, but the ratings vary widely. Fourth, who did Cadillac have to get drunk and take to whorehouse to get that high rating?

There are a number caveats to this whole process. First, there could be wide variations between models within the marque. Second, this is initial quality, it may have no bearing on durability. Third it is a measure of complaints, not defects. For example, 22 of the complaints about the Hummer were over poor gas mileage. It's a two and half ton truck, you were expecting 40 mpg? 12 more Hummer complaints were for wind noise. Yah, it's as aerodynamic as a brick. You knew this going in - quit yer whinin'.

I continue to think a better, but still flawed, measure of quality are the surveys done my Consumer Reports. You know the ones, where they track repairs and recalls over multiple product years and have the black dots for bad and red for good. It's subscriber only so I can't link up the site, but you can get a copy in your local bookstore. One thing Consumer Reports does provide on the web is recommendations on used cars. Here's their latest.

Good Bets

These are the best of both worlds: models that have performed well in Consumer Reports tests over the years and have had better-than-average overall reliability. Models are listed alphabetically.

Acura Integra
Acura RL
Acura TL
Ford Escort
Geo/Chevrolet Prizm
Honda Accord
Honda Civic
Honda CR-V
Honda Odyssey
Infiniti G20
Infiniti I30
Isuzu Oasis
Lexus ES300
Lexus GS300/GS400, GS430
Lexus LS400, LS430
Lexus RX300
Mazda Millenia
Mazda MX-5 Miata
Mazda Protegé
Mercury Tracer
Nissan Altima
Nissan Maxima
Nissan Pathfinder
Saab 9-5
Subaru Forester
Subaru Impreza
Subaru Legacy/Outback
Toyota 4Runner
Toyota Avalon
Toyota Camry
Toyota Camry Solara
Toyota Celica
Toyota Corolla
Toyota Echo
Toyota RAV4
Toyota Sienna
Toyota Tacoma
Toyota Tundra

Reliability risks

These cars have shown several years of much-worse-than-average overall reliability.

Cadillac Catera
Cadillac Seville
Chevrolet Astro
Chevrolet Blazer
Chrysler New Yorker, LHS
Chrysler Town & Country (AWD)
Dodge Caravan (4-cyl.)
Dodge Dakota (4WD)
Dodge Durango
Dodge Grand Caravan (AWD)
Dodge Neon
Ford Focus
Ford Windstar
GMC Jimmy
GMC Safari
Jeep Grand Cherokee
Lincoln LS
Mercedes-Benz M-Class
Oldsmobile Alero
Oldsmobile Bravada
Oldsmobile Cutlass
Plymouth Grand Voyager
Plymouth Neon
Plymouth/Chrysler Voyager (4-cyl.)
Pontiac Grand Am
Volkswagen Jetta
Volkswagen New Beetle
Volvo S80

This makes a little more sense to me. Either Saab and Mazda have gone down the toilet, and Caddy, Volvo, Mercedes have cleaned up their act, or durability is not highly correlated with initial complaints.

Ping Pong Back: I spent the last three days in Indianapolis; a sweet little city - an active downtown area, clean and freindly, decent restaurants, but smallish. How they manage to deal with a half million people who descend on them every Memorial Day weekend for the Indy 500, and similar numbers later for the Brickyard 400 (Nascar) and the U.S. F1 Grand Prix, I can't fathom. I stayed at what must be the only Hyatt in the world that doesn't have in-room internet access. They have a business center with two PCs for web access, but one was in the shop. So, once again, I spent a little time every day at Kinkos. It's a little over four hours from Dexter, MI so I chose to drive -an uneventful pilgramage through the storied Indiana farmland. I actually like roadside America in the heartland. No I don't want to drive across country, but a drive through the country of five hours or less is probably preferrable to a short flight - which would constitute an hour in the air and about three hours scurrying about dealing with the peripheral transportation and the associated asshats employed to make your experience more excruciating. Much nicer to set the cruise control in the Camry, put on a favorite CD, and stop whenever I want at one of the 9,317 McDonald's along the way.

Anyway, more material this weekend.

Lingering in Bermuda: I started to write about my recent trip to Bermuda, but it turned into a quasi-travel guide. Feel free to invite me along for advice when you go. Enjoy.

Links of Extra-ordinary Magnitude: Web pages to distract you from what you should be doing.

• 400,000 mini-bottles of liquor on the wall, 400,000 mini-bottles of liquor. Take one down, pass it around, 399,999...


• Bookfinder tracks the most requested out of print books. If I were a publisher I would pay attention.


• Iron My Shirt, but first, make me a sandwich. Could that be Jason Whitlock of ESPN Page 2 holding that sign?


• A lot of blather about tax cuts, government spending, and an oversized lady of the evening.


• Rest in Peace, Tony the Hat. (I want these guys to write my obit.)


• BeerAdvocate.com is the place for all things beer. Make a list before you go to the store. Note the preponderance of beers from the divine Kalamazoo Brewing Co., makers of Bell's beer.


• Stupid Cell Phone Tricks. Express you displeasure with the other team; Explain the finer details of debt management; Keep the battery charged.


• Will justice finally be served? Creed gets sued for sucking so bad.

Just Passing Through: OK, so here I am, but I still can't promise posting regularity (no Metamucil jokes please). I've got an awful lot going on in the 3-D world, but the good news is that includes writing projects which you will see, so if I go the odd week or so with anything, it just means I'm sacrificing quantity for quality. That's the story I'm sticking to anyway. The alternative is to turn this into the The World's Most Boring Weblog, and nobody wants that.

For now, the good folks at Kuro5in.org have seen fit to post a review I put together of Ian Fleming's Casino Royale - the first appearance of James Bond. Check it out. Kuro5in.org is a interesting spot. Anyone can register and submit stories. The community of users offers editing advice, then votes on where the article gets posted. A fascinating publishing model; I may have more to say about it in the future.

Busted: A friend of mine recently had some trouble with a charge card getting rejected for no apparent reason. Coincidentally, I stumbled across an article in the 4/24 Wall Street Journal about just such a phenomenon, and why it seems to be happening more often. The WSJ story is subscriber only (I think), but I'll quote liberally.

When Robert Selander, the chief executive officer of MasterCard International, went out for a round of errands earlier this year, he decided to shop with a credit card that he hadn't used in a while.

That turned out to be a bad idea. By the time he reached the supermarket, a fraud alert was out on his card. The upshot: He got rejected at the checkout counter -- and came home to a message on his answering machine from the bank that issued the card.

These days, no one is immune from the campaign to stamp out credit-card fraud, not even CEOs of credit-card associations. Banks and retailers have an army of computers sniffing out unusual spending patterns, and every year they freeze spending on thousands of credit cards with little or no warning.

How bad is it? Well...

Internally, card issuers refer to this as the "insult rate." Some card issuers deny more than 100 legitimate charges for every fraudulent one they prohibit. Even the best operators turn down 10 legitimate purchases for every crooked one.

That's an insult rate worthy of Don Rickles. I suspect that hurts card companies more than they realize. I've never had a charge rejected, but if I did, I wouldn't bother calling them on the spot, I'd just whip out a different card, meaning a lost commission for the rejecting card company. A good reason to have more than one card. Most of us know that card companies will flag purchases that don't match a cardholder's normal patterns, but what does that mean?

The card companies raise the red fraud flag for any one of dozens of reasons. They're constantly looking for spending that doesn't fit normal cardholder patterns, or those of the retailers where people might be shopping. Most Americans don't buy computers in Paris, for instance, but a thief who stole their card might. Card companies are skeptical of purchases in foreign lands with high rates of fraud, including Russia, most of Eastern Europe and South Africa.

The alarm can also sound when it appears as if you've traveled faster than humanly possible. Two months ago, Jeff Foster, an executive vice president at Retail Decisions, a company based outside London that helps banks prevent card fraud, used his debit card right before he got on a flight in Boston and tapped it again as soon as he got off the plane in San Francisco. His bank, worried that two different people were using the card, cut him off.

One reason for the crackdown: the huge increase in Internet sales, which means there are many more transactions where the cardholder isn't present. That made it easier for crooks to assume someone else's identity, which forced credit-card issuers to take countermeasures that snared honest spenders too.

At the same time, the number of cards outstanding -- and the number of ways to use them -- has exploded in recent years. Many cardholders lard up their monthly bills with every possible charge in a quest for frequent-flier miles. Others now whip out their debit cards instead of writing checks. This means that ever-more transactions are pouring through the card networks.

[snip]

When Mr. Selander, the MasterCard CEO, temporarily lost his charging privileges on his seldom-used card, his bank may have thought a thief had stolen his card and then put it on "ice." In that situation, crooks find a lost card but then wait several months before using it. By putting it away for a while, they're hoping the original owner has failed to report it and it will remain active.

Some of that makes sense, some doesn't. Not being able to verify Internet sales is meaningless. Half the time I'm not even asked to sign my card slip anymore, never mind have the signature checked or present ID. And where is the identity verification on a Mobil SpeedPass? (Not a surprising policy, though - there're a lot of misguided Internet security concerns.)

I happen to be one of those people who puts as much as possible on the credit card for the sake of airline miles or hotel points. That's why some of this seems so weird to me. I have never had a credit card purchase rejected despite the fact that I have three cards that I rotate through. That means, for instance, that one day I'll be charging frozen dinners at Meijer's on a certain card, then it won't see use again for a couple of weeks when, say, I suddenly use it to buy an fine glass of Bordeaux in Bermuda.

I suppose it would be defeating the purpose to explain the rejection rationale in detail - that would make it easy for the bad guys to circumvent - but it's instructive to note that I must have some of the most erratic purchase patterns imaginable and I have never been rejected, where as my friend, who has pretty consistent buying patterns, got an erroneous smackdown. It makes sense, I suppose. It just means the credit card companies have given up trying to figure me out, they're just letting everything go.

So if you want to avoid rejection at all costs, make a point of consistently making credit card purchases in a haphazard and irresponsible fashion. There's a moral in that somewhere, but I can't figure out what it is.

You Want Fries With That?: This has been bopping around the 'net via forwarded email for a while. It is supposedly an actual employment application filled out for a job McDonald's. It's probably a hoax, but I got a chuckle out of it.

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: You realize this is McDonald's, don't you?

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only at very high temperatures.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

Pardon Me: In the last couple of weeks I have been in Washington DC, Bermuda, and the North Carolina Outer Banks. Now I'm back and I am exhausted - Northwest Airlines reverted to form for my trip back. More travel info in due time.

Oddly (or perhaps not so oddly), Slashdot isn't going to run my latest book review. I'm going to try another a couple other outlets but if they don't pan out, I'll post it anyway. And I have many writing projects in the works so here should be some good material soon, but it's going to be a few days until I can get back to things - with luck, I'll have some of my usual nonsense up this weekend.

Catch Ya On The Flipside: Time for another hiatus, since I have an awful lot to deal with in my alleged Real Life. It may be couple of weeks until the next update, but don't fret - as always, I will be back with a vengence and hijinks will ensue.

Status Memo: We're I a betting man, I would wager heavily that A Pleasure Doing Business With You will see light of day by year's end. And I am now thinking of changing the name back to Hijinks Ensue. The problem with APDBWY is that it is too long. The reason I changed it to begin with is most people I spoke with didn't seem to know what hijinks were, and many didn't know what ensue meant. Am I the only one who has employed the phrase 'hijinks ensue'? I think not. I'm beginning to think that if you really don't know the meaning of the words hijinks and ensue, you're unlikely to read it anyway, so it will do no harm to go back to the shorter title. I shall be agonizing over this for a while. You may just have to deal.

I have started work on a new essay - it will require a bit of research - with luck, by 4/8, without luck, 4/30. And I'm going on a minor adventure Wednesday night which I may document if it turns out to be interesting. Plus, still waiting my latest book review to hit the web. Don't touch that dial.

Toob Notes: The new season of Six Feet Under has been excellent so far. They have followed my advice and took it down a thousand, but I remain wary. The grimace inducing psycho chick from Nate's past returned this Sunday (haven't seen it yet, will have to catch a rerun) and that could destroy everything. We'll see. More comments will ensue as the season unfolds.

More importantly, I caught the World Poker Tournament on the Travel Channel the other night and it was wicked cool. They position a camera at each player's seat so that they can show what cards each player has. and so you can really see the thought processes of these guys as they place bets. It was engrossing. Here's the site. Somewhat disappointingly, the winner was determined by an incredible string of luck, not skill. I intend to watch each week. Vegas will fear me.

Link Roundup: A stupidity-free set of links for your viewing pleasure.

• Roger Ebert is the dean of movie critics. Even though I think he's wrong 30-50% of the time, he does write awfully well. But who knew he was a "hard drinking, guy-on-the-make during the seventies"?


• Check out these freaky cool paintings. At first glance you might think they are caricatures of some sort, but click through and look close, you can see influences of everything from Van Gogh to anime. Great stuff.


• Would you laugh at me if I told you I was posting from this chair? Well, I'm not, so don't bother.


• Finally a cell phone for the "descendents of Eve". Note the "features for women", including a "Fatness Index", a "Pink Schedule", and "Menstruation." (While you may think I'm documenting stupidity again, note that this is the Africa and Middle Eastern Samsung web site, so it's not stupid it's cultural.) Oddly, it does not include a cosmetics mirror or a burkha mending kit.


• Interesting commentary on how TiVo will alter television as we know it. I should get one; I could really use another remote on my coffee table. [[edit: also check out the follow up]]


• In honor of April Fools day, the 100 best hoaxes. Strangely, the George Foreman iGrill, a "low-fat, high-bandwidth solution to your networked cooking needs" is not included.

Blogology 101: Forbes.com ranks the best blogs in five categories, but makes you jump through hoops to find out what they are (links within links and pop-ups, ugh!). I'll do the hard work for you. I ashamed to say I'm not familiar with most of these (except, of course, for my buddies at Slashdot who publish my book reviews), so I post them without comment (imagine that!). I suspect all are worth checking out.

Tech

• Slashdot


• TechDirt


• Kuro5hin


• Gizmodo


• Reiter's Wireless

Media

• Metafilter


• Blogcritics


• I Want Media


• Gawker


• Romenesko's Obscure Store

Economics

• EconLog


• ArgMax


• The Knowledge Problem


• Winterspeak


• Institutional Economics

War

• Daily KOS


• Back-To-Iraq


• Tacitus


• Where is Raed?


• Vodkapundit

Enough is Enough: You know, when I sit down to gather material for posts lately it seems all I am doing is documenting all the stupidity I see around me. Yes, there's lots of it, but still, it's getting a little long in the tooth. So I promise not to post about idiots and their inane antics anymore. I need to confine myself to quality material for a while.

Seriously, my posts have started getting wearyingly negative. So that's it - I'm giving the chowderheads a break for a while.

But before I do that, I will treat myself to post this internet petition to get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike for the causes he believes in. It's slightly misguided since there is nothing Michael Moore believes in more deeply than deep fried twinkies, but still a worthy effort.

OK, that's it. No more stupidity for the time being.

To prove it, I have another book review submitted to slashdot. I'll link it as soon as it appears. Also I have another feature I'm working on - it may take a while, but if I'm not going to take the easy road of stupidity, you're going to have to be patient.

My Baloney Has A First Name: I suppose I should comment on the Oscars, but it's difficult since I didn't watch the show, didn't see any of the films and don't really give a wombat's left gonad about the winners and losers.

However, from the reports in the papers, it is plain to see that Jack Nicholson is the wisest man in Hollywood. He kept his shades on throughout the evening, and considering Michael Moore attempted to pronounce the word 'fictitious' about fourteen times, Jack was the only one in the audience who didn't need to rush to the bathroom to flush the spittle from his eyes.

The Doggerel of War: I have to apologize again. First, for still having no solid new material. Second, for bringing the war into my posts, which I didn't want to do. And third, (partially because of the first two) I am once again posting about stupidity; in this case stupidity related to the war.

It's Not Like They're Running With Scissors: Miss Kate and Aunt Molly find themselves cut off at the knees because the fraidy-cat race committee for the DC Marathon has cancelled the race because of the war and fears for safety. Look, there are so many targets in DC, so many people everywhere, that an early morning marathon simply doesn't present any exceedingly special target of opportunity. Plus, it's a lot more eyes and lot more cameras on the street so your smart terrorist would avoid it like the plague. Even the incompetents in the Office of the Mayor were "stunned" by the decision. What's worse, the race committee did not offer refunds. Instead they signed everyone up automatically for next year. That's fine for semi-professional runners, but it's little help to amateurs - like Miss Kate and Aunt Molly - who don't intend to devote their entire lives to running marathons, and spent months in training, and had a whole bunch of pledges to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society riding on this. Sheesh. Get a spine, why don't ya?

No Pottys, No Peace: I have no sympathy for protestors of any stripe. Protesters - at least in the last thirty years or so - always seems like a bunch of children acting out; not really concerned with the issues as long as they get somebody's attention. No difference between them and the miscreants who riot after sporting events, in my book. I mean, really, what could be stupider than Puke for Peace:

In a unique form of opposition, some protesters at the Federal Building staged a "vomit in,'' by heaving on the sidewalks and plaza areas in the back and front of the building to show that the war in Iraq made them sick, according to a spokesman.

I could understand if they were trying raises awareness of the heartbreak of Bulimia, but that's a stretch. To answer my own question, I'll tell you what could be stupider: Poop for Peace.

At the Civic Center, a group of demonstrators defecated. Then they left, leaving the mess to be cleaned up by others. Not only disgusting, but this idiocy belittles the proud tradition of civic protest in our national history...

It's really hard to characterize this as free speech. Of course, these types are known for talking out their asses.

The best response, as usual, is satire. Check out this "protester's" sign. You can imagine the actual protesters eyeing this guy, wondering if he's making fun of them or not. Snicker.

Slowly Catching On: You may remember my warning about the monumentally stupid reality series Married by America. Well, it seems one Fox affiliate, in Raleigh, NC, took my message to heart and pulled the show.

I take total credit for this; I assume they feared the wrath of my millions of loyal followers. Plus, there's this.

"Married by America" features five singles who, with the help of family and the public, are paired with strangers and, according to Fox promotions, will commit to marriage. Last week, it was revealed that one of the contestants is already married.

I warned you about going retarded because of this show. See what happened to the Fox execs? That could be your future.

One Line Links: Don't blink or they will be gone.

• laughing in the face of danger


• another way to waste time


• this really pisses me off


• a truly terrifying website

Out Of Spite: I have a lot of sympathy for folks who are struggling for creative success and keeping weblogs. Can't imagine why. Fitting neatly in that category is Forrest, webmaster of TOSM (The Other Spite Meat). In addition to bloggery, Forrest's other occupation is playing bass for Just Another Victim, a band guided by a few less than stringent principles:

1) anything is fair game, if it's fun, we'll try to play it. 2) if you can't play it drunk, you probably can't play it live 3) it probably sounds better faster. and lastly, but not leastly, number 4) if you don't screw up, you're not trying. It should be noted that we try really really hard."

More importantly, TOSM is kind enough to link me up. Stop by for a visit, but consider this your obligatory naughty language warning, kiddies

Coming Up Empty: I have been a posting slug lately - as usual. Also as usual, I don't know where the time is going. One reason could be that work has been hellaciously busy. Another reason is this weekend has been insidiously warm and beautiful. 60+ degrees!! The snow banks are melting into sidewalk lakes and rivers. Today I was able to get into Ann Arbor and snag a bowl of Be Bim Bob at Steve's Lunch - a place I've mentioned before. Coincidentally, a brief review appeared in a local paper.

So nothing new for now, but as always I have plans. A new book review is coming. And an entertaining feature essay. And, I have a feeling A Pleasure Doing Business With You is crawling ever so slowly closer to reality.

So don't write me off just yet.

Going the Distance: The DC Marathon is coming up in a few days and it's a special one this year because two of the participants will be Miss Kate and her sister Aunt Molly. This dynamic duo took up marathon training to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and pay tribute to their brother, who was diagnosed with lymphoma last year. They are now in the home stretch of their journey; they've completed their longest training run (20 miles) and the next step is the finale (26.2 miles).

I can't think of a better tribute to a loved one fighting cancer than running a marathon, which is all about effort and perseverance. Beyond that, it is a life affirming endeavor to stretch your ability and endurance to the extreme just for the sake of the challenge, implicitly suffering now to strengthen yourself for the future struggles. It's especially poignant since their brother is a marathoner too.

So this is a small tribute to the two runners. I hope if such a battle ever confronts me I can face it with as much heart.

Link Chaos: A whole slew of blither and blather that has collected in my inbox.

• Ever thought of an exciting and lucrative career in horse dentistry? Turns out it can be depressingly lucrative. The woman is destined for the Stella Awards. (Hat tip: The Legendary KK)


• One of the folks waiting to stomp all over Saddam has a weblog of his ongoing experiences. I'm surprised you can't get court martialed for referring to a superior officer as a "Dragon Lady".


• Put on your tin-foil hat and check out Pole Shift Preparation. The end is nigh. Again.


• Remember that moron at Taco Bell? Life imitates satire.


• Are you a Google Guru? Check out these google search hacks. Very cool.


• Two words: Lion. Cut. Syllable count is key.


• Think you want to be creative. Think again. The average writer makes about $2000 per year from writing (I read that recently). It's better in the music industry, but not by much. Check out the finances of a "hot" new band.


• Ten cool techno cars. The only one that seems worthwhile to me is the Mercedes braking-by-wire, the rest are fairly useless or just gimmicks.


• You think you have a headache? What about the poor sheep? This article contains what may be the most perfect quote in history: "My relationship to sheep is a bit ambivalent now. I like them, but not when they come flying through the air."

Married in Maui: What do I find in my mailbox today but a very elegant looking note from my friends The Always Delightful Chrissy and her longtime beau Bob-o announcing that they up and got themselves hitched in Maui. No advanced warning whatsoever - thereby depriving us of the opportunity to check a box next to a small kitchen appliance on their registry and dance the hokey pokey in unkempt semi-formal attire.

To the newlyweds, I raise my glass and offer this advice (from one who wouldn't know).

To keep a marriage brimming
and fill the loving cup-
When you are wrong, admit it
and when you're right, shut up

Stupid Follow Up: Last time round I nominated the chowderheads who fall for those Nigerian e-mail scams as some of the stupidest people extant. Well it seems the scam perpetrators aren't very far behind them.

...the Everest of scam baiting is to con the conmen and get the fraudsters to part with cold hard cash. Only a few have managed this. One, writing under the moniker Bart Simpson, managed it by telling his Nigerian criminal target that he was being courted by another offer from West Africa. Bart said that this other correspondent had sent him $5 in a greeting card and he would sever his relationship unless the fraudster did the same thing.

BWAHAHAHA! Priceless. You have to click thru on that link and read the email exchange. More intricate and brutal is the solution of the true hacker.

Particularly vindictive anti-spammers will also send "supporting documents" to the fraudsters. When downloaded, these are found to contain not helpful bank details but particularly vicious viruses that cripple the criminal's computers.

One scam baiter managed to get her target to fall for this seven times before he got the message. Read how here. This means he either saw seven expensive PCs reduced to smoking rubble or spent an awful lot of money on repairs. It's hard to feel much sympathy for him.

Am I a bad person for celebrating the pain and hardship of spam scammers? I don't care.

Graphically Speaking: I meant to get a lot of work done last night but I got sidetracked by a combination of my interest in graphic and commercial arts and my intellectual curiosity (such as it is). I spent the evening perusing some interesting sites instead, so consider this your self-indulgence alert.

Graphic Design from the 1920s and 1930s in Travel Ephemera is exactly what it says. This is the kind artistic retro advertising that I would love to have decorating my walls (yes, that makes me weird). Some of my favorites from the airlines section here, here, here, and here.

Next I stumbled across Typophile which is all about type and fonts. A seemingly esoteric topic, but really quite fascinating. I spent a lot of time fretting over the font for this site and got mildly interested in the topic. If you have some time click on the courses for a brief history of typography.

Lastly, I found the site of Edward Tufte (pronounced TUFF-tee), who has been called the Leonardo Da Vinci of data. That is to say he is exceptionally knowledgeable in the visual presentation of quantitative data. For most of us, that means PowerPoint, but there's a bit more to it than that. There's some seriously creative stuff going on in this field. Check out the ET, Writings, Artwork and News section to get a feel for things.

I told you it was self-indulgent.

I'm With Stupid: We have a bunch of new entries in the ongoing reality series, Who Wants to be a Brainless Dolt. First we have the folks who displayed a valuable Dali original in a jail and were shocked when it was stolen.

The audacious thief was apparently not only brazen enough to confiscate Dali's sketchy rendering of Christ on the cross from a locked display case in the lobby of the men's jail, but he or she also managed to leave behind a schlocky, B-rate copy that at least three correction officers were puzzled to find upon reporting to work yesterday morning.

Imagine that. How ever could a hardened criminal from Rikers get past a locked display case?

It's a worthy entry, but for relating to the public at large, you can't beat the Captain Obvious senselessness of falling for those Nigerian e-mail scams. The added spice here is that, if you're reasonably active on the web, you get about 8 variations of this each day. How do you pick the one that sounds most real?

It seems the halfwits who fall for this can end up getting kidnapped or killing convenient accessible Nigerians in a violent rage. Kids, remember: Stupidity is not a game - just say no.

But the new leaders in the stupidity contest are the indescribably thick-headed creatures who trekked to Iraq to become human shields for Saddam. They went through hell to get to Iraq because they are convinced that Saddam is really a nice guy and only wants to defend children and small cuddly animals from heartless laser guided missiles. Once they arrived they were stunned to realize they weren't being used as human shields for pre-schools and baby-milk factories, but were being placed around actual military targets.

Suddenly, the slogan "Arms are for hugging" doesn't seem all that comforting.

My question is, How do people like this live to adulthood? Seriously, how do you go about your day-to-day life with the IQ of a hamster? Do you have to have a note pinned to your shirt to remind you to eat and breathe? Check this out:

...a 500 pound donation from a well-wisher in Istanbul was squandered on boxes of Prozac in a misguided attempt to cheer up the war-weary Iraqi civilians.

I am at a loss for words. Obviously, it is simply too easy to live and thrive in the civilized West. This is a real test of Darwinism. The fact that these drooling morons have survived to adulthood seems to fly in the face of natural selection. On the other hand, given the opportunity they have proven themselves willing to go to great lengths to die unnatural deaths and beat an early retreat from the gene pool. I guess time will tell. Either way, for the sake of the species, we must simply hope they have not bred in great numbers.

Site Finished: I think I've finally cleaned up all the loose ends with the site design. The archives are now working correctly. And some of the little oddities of formatting have been sorted out. So proud am I that I offer this cleaned up template should any other bloggers want to use, or build on, the design. Just click the link and you'll see the dam template page. The right click and select View Source (or View Page Source in Netscape/Mozilla, or View/Source in Opera) to save the template file. There's a lot of explanatory comments on the how and why of the style in the source. If you use it, please link back to a dam site and send me a note and I'll link back to you.

Now maybe I can get my nose out of technical books for another year or so.

How Did I Get Involved With These People?: I've written a couple of short book reviews and I hope to do more – they're linked over on the sidebar. But I'm pleased to say I actually read and finished the books I've reviewed. This appears to be counter to the generally accepted method of reviewing, according to this article.

Reviewing books is not a particularly well-paid form of journalism and it takes time. A book of any more ambition than a thriller can't be read for review at a rate of more than 40, or at most 60, pages an hour. Some books are only 120-pages long and can comfortably be digested in a couple of hours. Others, though, are 400, or 600 pages, or, in some dreadful instances, even more, and they can easily take days to get through.

The reviewer's fee, however, usually remains the same. So, shocking as it may seem, the truth is that some reviewers skip some books. And there are a few who skip through all the books.

But surely they are speaking of unscrupulous scam artists, not serious reviewers? Nope.

In the New York Times Book Review, a professor of creative writing, Beverly Lowry, reviewed a book by one of the people involved in the Whitewater affair, The Woman Who Wouldn't Talk by Susan McDougal. An Arkansas newspaper columnist, Gene Lyons, soon spotted that Lowry's review contained a basic error about whether or not the author eventually testified in court (she did).

The New York Times has subsequently had to publish a correction.

Or worse, this anecdote about one of my favorite historians, Paul Johnson

[H]istorian Paul Johnson [was asked] to review a big book - more than 800 pages - on the American Civil War. To give Johnson more time, Wilson asked his assistant to have it biked over that same day. The next morning, she admitted she had forgotten to send it and that it was still sitting on her desk.

At that moment, "the fax machine had begun to whirr into action, and 800 perfectly formed words on the American Civil War, with observant comments on the merits and faults of the book, had dropped into the intray. I saw no reason not to publish this review", says Wilson. "Like all really good journalists, Paul had somehow intuited the true nature of the thing under discussion."

Now, A.N. Wilson believes all journalism to be a form of imaginative literature rather than "an exact science"…

It is well known that few people buy books and the ones that do don’t read them. So in a way, reviewers are being true to the book buying public.

How Did I Get Involved With These People? 2: As an author I have to ask myself this: Is it better to have excellent reviews (here, here, here) in small local papers, or one really really really bad review in the Washington Post?

Back from Bolivian: The premiere comic genius of our time, Mike Tyson, has once again reared his rather thick head. Let us all rejoice. The comedy team of Tyson and his tattoo fought a guy by the name of Clifford Etienne. For you unsophisticated types, that's pronounced ay-TEE-on, and the guy appears to be a tough as the sound of his name. It's a little known fact that Etienne is French for Palooka.

The fight itself was trivial. Tyson knocked out Etienne in 49 seconds flat. Etienne was immediately compared to Greg Louganis. Upon picking himself up from the canvas he was heard to say, "I still get my check, don't I?"

Of course, all the fun occurs after the fight during the press conference, where we are treated to one of Mike's finest stand-up routines.

"I like doing other things. I like getting high, hanging out with my kids. I like drinking," Tyson said. "I have so many demons."

Classic. And:

Tyson claimed after the fight that doctors told him he had a broken back from a 1997 motorcycle accident. His doctor said the injury was uncomfortable but nothing serious enough to keep him from fighting.

Best of all, there is the suggestion that our buddy Mike needs a reality series. Oh, please let this happen. I shall gather all his best dialog and publish "Living in Bolivian: The Wit and Wisdom of Mike Tyson" and make a gajillion dollars. Unfortunately, they seem to want to center this on following his training up to a fight. That's wrong. The only way to do it is to follow his daily life like the Osbournes or Anna Nicole. That would be the perfect comedy and the pinnacle of reality TV.

Face the Music: The Grammys, like a four letter word that begins with 's', happens. Usually, there are two things you can count on. First, you'll get to hear live performances of all those songs that have been played to death on the radio in the past year. Second, you get to hear some performers - the ones who think record sales make them, like, real smart and important and stuff - proselytize on foreign policy.

I didn't watch the Grammys, but I gather there wasn't any political posturing this year. Sheryl Crow claims that is because the TV suits called everyone and told them to lay off. The TV suits say they didn't do any such thing and Sheryl needs to lay off the crack pipe. Either way, it's too bad. The only good thing that ever comes out of award shows is the material for a satirist.

From what I've read the highlight of the night was when some R&B vocalist named Erykah Badu struggled read the words on her cue card. The writers thoughtlessly used words with more than one syllable. Once she finally managed to stammmer them out, she didn't know when to stop and read the "APPLAUSE" instruction that came after her line. If anybody knows of a video clip of this on the web, please, please forward it.

The good news is two anti-divas were winners. Norah Jones took home too many pop music awards to carry, and Diana Krall took best jazz vocal. Maybe the Grammys are getting better after all. They may catch up to The DAMMYS.

Life Imitates a dam site: Remember this essay on everything wrong with the movies? Well, check out ArcLight Theatre in El Lay and tell me this isn't exactly what I suggested. I wonder what it will take to get them to open one in Dexter?

Cheese and Whine: The fundamental problem with humans at large is that they keep passing their diseases on to me. I am once again suffering from a head cold, mild so far, and I've learned that the absolute worst thing you can do when you have a cold is huddle under the blankets with a box of Kleenex, a pack of cough drops and the TV remote. So I put a lot of effort into continuing with my so-called life in spite of the horrible illness, and count myself lucky that I get to complain about it.

Blogger (including blogspot) was purchased by Google. This should be good - long term. For now, Blogger is still flaky. Half the time I can't connect and no matter what I do, I can't get the archives working. Blogger is a free service so don't have much cause to complain. They have a premium pay service, but informed people tell me it's not much better. Google is a top notch company - I hope they can sort things out.

Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I've managed to lasso a few interesting links to hold you until I get my sniveling butt back in gear.

• Coming to Vegas, The Moon Resort and Casino. Moon and Stars, Shoot the Moon, Fly Me to the Moon - this could be the world's easiest advertising account.


• Signs. (Not to be confused with the movie by a guy whose middle name is Night. What's that about?)


• A Ford executive explains that the Camry outsells the Taurus because, "Very frankly, Camry is a better product that Taurus." Passers by shouted, "Duh!"


• I did not make up this Wet Burqa Contest, but I bet Weekly World News did.


• What's more gross than a frog flattened by a car? How 'bout a sheep? Irony: You remember that episode of Seinfeld where George was trying to preserve his high score on Frogger? That was playing on TV when I stumbled on this game.


• You simply cannot make things like this (.pdf) up. "A passionate interest..." Excuse me while I bust a gut.


• Dave Barry is funny even when being interviewed by Slashdot geeks.


• You have to read this utterly amazing obituary of aristocratic, eclectic socialite Bindy Lambton - including go-kart accidents, deep sea diving, and size 24 shoes. It reads like a real-life black comedy. Somebody - maybe Paul Thomas Anderson - needs to make a movie of this.

Stupefaction: So Joe Millionaire came to an end the other night, and it's all anybody's talking about. Annoying, since, though I never watched a single episode, I feel pretty safe in assuming it was stupefying. That Giant Sucking Sound you hear is the average IQ of Americans going down the toilet.

Now a lot is being made of the fact that the bimbo accepted the proposal despite finding out he is actually poor. I'm going out a limb, but I'm guessing she figured that after the show aired and he had all the publicity in Fox can buy, he would get a big contract for posing in his undies, a pile of cash for posing in less for Playgirl, and some extra tip money for miscellaneous public appearances and bit parts in made-for-cable movies. Same for her (except probably Playboy instead).

Then a few years down the road when she's divorced and sitting around sipping cosmopolitans with her divorced girlfriends, the conversation will turn to what went wrong with their marriages and the answer will invariably be, "I got married for the wrong reason." She'll be the queen of that circle.

So what's next? How about a show wherein exhibitionist losers are wed based on who the viewing public thinks would match up best. I want you to pay close attention to what I say next.

DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW. IT WILL MAKE YOU RETARDED. NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO AVOID IT - TELL YOURSELF YOU DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, DO HOUSEWORK WHILE IT'S ON - BY THE END OF THE SERIES YOU WILL BE A RETARD.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Hold Yer Horses: Absolutely everything is going wrong. I'm having problems with both my web sites. My laptop has suddenly decided to display text all fuzzy and indistinct. The IRS rejected my electronically filed tax return for the most trivial reason imaginable, now I have to re-submit it. I hate technology. I'm going to go live in a cave. A warm, well lit cave, with indoor plumbing and cable TV, but still a cave.

Will actually post actual content in the next couple of days. Promise.

Link Fishin': First, I have no idea what is wrong with the archives. Apart form being oddly formatted, the last four months seem to be omitted. Heavy sigh. Just another thing on the to-do list.

For now, here's the latest from my recent casts into the cyber sea.

• Speaking of music industry bollocks, and I always am, check out this description of how Clear Channel manufactures the syndicated radio show, Carson Daly Most Requested. It is constructed like a pastiche from a database of phrases like "coming in at no. 4..." Technologically fascinating, but symptomatic of Clear Channel-itis.


• Finalists in the World Trade Center, The Next Generation contest. I like the one on the right. Although we need a better name than "Wedge of Light." It brings back bad memories of Junior High. It sounds a like a Bevis and Butthead remix of Madonna. It's like asking for a piece of low-fat pie. I could go on...


• One magazine's opinion of the best Simpsons episodes ever. The top four are all from ten years ago, but the Simpsons is still good quality TV, even now approaching their 300th episode.


• I'm not sure what to make of this optical camouflage. It reminds me of those X-Ray Specs in real life. There's video here. Weird.


• Lawsuit madness here in Michigan. Sue your school for an A+ instead of an A. I'd give the kid points off for doing something so stupid, but then I'd probably get sued for it. Better yet, a manicurist nicks a cuticle and gets sued for a half million. Mind-boggling.


• A real tragedy down in Kentucky. I'm put in mind of Bluto's reaction to the moving guys dropping a case of liquor in Animal House. As a matter of record, I am categorically opposed to using sewer water in your maragarita. (Link via The Legendary KK.)

Who Gets to Play the Wolf?: This must be a hoax. It has to be. Once I get over my amazement, I'll probably bust a gut laughing.

Mikhail Gorbachev is teaming up with former US president Bill Clinton and actress Sophia Loren to record a new version of the classic children's musical "Peter and the Wolf."

Retitled "The Wolf and Peter", the remake of Sergei Prokoviev's tale will tell the story from the point of view of the wolf, faced with the encroachments of urbanisation on his dwindling forest habitat.

Words fail me.

Hold The Olive: Roger from Great Falls, VA writes in with this advice in response to The Perfect Martini.

"Only things I would add are to chill the gin before making; put glasses in freezer for about an hour beforehand; peel fresh lemon rinds and squeeze oil, not juice, on top of prepared martini; hold glass by stem, don't cradle in hand; make ice cubes with spring water."

Wise words. Also he recommends Citadelle gin in place of Bombay Sapphire. They like it over at Tastings.com.

Hippies, Nostalgia, Etc.: I have been (very mildly) taken to task about my characterization of Ben Fong-Torres as a nostalgic ex-hippie (in this post). I suppose some clarification is in order.

Ben Fong-Torres is the former news editor of Rolling Stone magazine. In response to that, many of you young'ns are saying, "And?" Well, you have to understand that back in the late 60s and through the 70s, Rolling Stone was very different from the slick, high-style glossy it is today.

One of my hobby horses is the way in which high-quality, vital prose, especially journalism, is key to any activity coming to the forefront of popular culture. Rolling Stone did this for Rock and Roll music back in those years. To this day I can remember some of the stories I read back then, specifically I remember coverage of a Rolling Stones tour that captured the drug and groupie hedonism of that time, and I remember reading some intense early coverage of the London punk rock scene and how it flew so defiantly in the face of the cocaine and disco scene (which included my high school). It was also where I first read Hunter S. Thompson. Truly great stuff. (Do I sound nostalgic?)

Rolling Stone still tries to stay relevant - they gave P.J. O'Rourke a regular job, so they can't be all bad - but now it's loaded down with skin, fashion and spring break trendiness. MTV in print, and that's not a compliment. Yes, they try to be more edgy than, say, Teen People, but in the context of the superficiality of the magazine, anything weighty seems like a calculated attempt to impress.

For example, remember this post (can't find the original story, sorry), wherein we find Joan Jett was dissed with a mere mention whereas Britney and Mandy got all the coverage in a Women in Rock issue of some sort. Well, in the latest issue, we get a mea culpa, and they print the open letter complaint I quoted from in that post. I'd guess some focus group results indicated it was time to show they were hip after all so they took the opportunity. This is me being cynical. The point is that this is not what that magazine was like in the time Ben was there.

Anyway, Ben left Rolling Stone in 1980 (do any of you even remember 1980?) and has been intimately involved in music media ever since. Check out his web site for details. Most recently he was involved in a now defunct venture called MyPlay. MyPlay offered on-line storage lockers for your music files - the idea being you can access to your music collection from anywhere you can get to the internet. Visiting your friends and want them to hear that great CD you just bought? MyPlay to the rescue. OK, that may not sound like much, but it has a very powerful idea behind it.

You see, I don't want to own any CDs, or any DVDs, or any magazines, or any sorts of media. That's just clutter. What I want is to have access to the content when I want it from anywhere - home, office, car, Motel 6, and so forth. If broadband and wireless connections were ubiquitous, a service like MyPlay would be invaluable. Sadly, that's still years off. And then there DMCA to worry about...ugh.

The clarification I've been staggering towards is that Ben Fong-Torres has spent most of the duration of my life as a driving force in music media and is still standing and working and creating and flourishing in spite of the dire state of the contemporary music industry.

Which is what I meant by 'nostalgic ex-hippie'.

Ahem: Sorry to be out of touch but I was in DC for the past few days (actually in Northern VA, I didn't get into the district proper). The most amazing thing happened. I flew Northwest and had what was simply the most painless and pleasant air travel of my life. Yes - on Northwest! Once I recover from the shock I'll get some new material up.

Service Resumed: I've got the redesign straightened out for the most part - the only lingering issue is the bizarre way the archive links are rendering (those are created by a script hosted by the Blogger service so it's all guess work) - so I'm taking this opportunity to dump some first class links on you for chasing away the February funk.

• If you think talking horses, puppet aliens, or flying nuns are strange check out this defunct sitcom from down under featuring "a motor-cycling transvestite boxer" called Auntie Jack. Sound bites included. And Nero Wolfe is still cancelled.


• The second installment of The Lord of the Rings gets lost in the translation. Check out these screen caps of an Asian version of LOTR:TT, with hilarious English subtitles.


• An intriguing DVD. Looks to be made of short videos from the "world of 'demos,' originating from the European computer underground and created by talented programmers, artists and musicians."


• An intriguing web site. Made up of clever and funny Flash animations. Mostly I hate Flash - it wastes ungodly bandwidth for no reason, but this site makes me wish I had broadband and some free time.


• A couple of timely Columbia links. This forum thread was started by some folks who were watching the Columbia re-entry as it happened. They start to realize what was happening at about post number 20. And Washington Monthly unearthed this article from 1980 by Gregg Easterbrook (also Tuesday Morning QB at ESPN.com) regarding the riskiness of the shuttles. Very eerie links.


• One of the most fascinating articles I've read in a long time on sleep disorders at the NYT. Set aside some time.


• Dave Barry has a weblog, and I am not making that up.


• I have a new favorite word.

More on the Update: The first thing that you will notice is the colors. They are not random, they are, in fact, a reversion to colors that I used in the pre-blogger days. Long time readers will remember them. I like the blue; I'm not sure how I feel about the green anymore - it may change to white.

Things seem to render reasonably well in the latest versions of Internet Explorer, Netscape/Mozilla, and Opera. I can’t say how it looks in that new browser, Safari, which comes with the latest Macs, since I am Mac-less. I think it looks best in Internet Explorer, since the margin settings are more even, but that's fairly trivial.

The other thing you need to be aware of is fonts. Except for the title, the font used throughout the rest of the page is Trebuchet MS. If you use Windows, you probably have this - I think it installs with Windows. If not, you can get it here. If you don’t have Trebuchet MS, it should appear in plain old Arial, which I'm pretty sure everybody has. I think Trebuchet MS is a little more readable than Arial, but that's mere opinion.

The font for the title is Calisto MT (you can get it here if you don’t have it). If you don’t have Calisto MT, it will use Garamond. If you don’t have Garamond, it will use Georgia. If you don’t have Georgia, it will use Times New Roman. Again, not really a big deal.

The other thing about fonts is the size. I have made just about everything larger than before. This is to enhance readability. As I surfed around looking at other sites, one thing that struck me was how so many bloggers use small fonts, presumably in an effort to decrease the amount of scrolling needed. I got sick of squinting and vowed that I would increase the size of my fonts, scrolling or no. So there.

Also note that each post will have a tiny "permanent link" in the footer. If you wish to link up a specific post, rather than the page itself, just right click and "copy shortcut" (or whatever the non-IE equivalent is). This will always link to that post directly. This is not really new, it was available previously by click on the time posted, but now it's a bit more explicit.

There are even greater changes beneath the surface (and you can skip this paragraph if you have no interest in the technicalities of web page design). There are no TABLES used for formatting and no use of the FONT or BR tags. Everything is handled via Cascading Style Sheets. Conceptually, this implies the separation of structure and content, which in turn implies easier tweaks and updates. In the case of this site, that doesn’t mean much since everything is on a single page, but in the case of a large multi-page site it becomes hugely important. Even though it is not all that important to me, it's a good technology to understanding - so in a way, this was all spurred merely out of intellectual curiosity. (Who says I have too much time on my hands?) Once I get the design settled I'll post a blogger template that others can use an build on. In fact, sharp-eyed web monkeys may realize that this page is based on css/edge by CSS uber-guru Eric Meyer, which I started with and began hacking away at until I got here.

Which leads me to what there is left to change, and this is as much an exercise in reminding myself, as informing you. Some of this may be done by the time you read this. 1) The green background needs to go white (or at least very, very, very light green). That will make things more readable. 2) The section headings in the sidebar need more emphasis maybe some sort of underlining, maybe less spacing between the letters too. 3) The Date in the main portion looks silly and is spaced poorly, and maybe it should be in green. 4) The archive links needn't be spaced so far apart. I like the highlighting of links when you hover over them, but the text should not go black. 5) Many sidebar links don’t have tool tips. 6) The leader of the each post is green. It may look better in maroon.

Any other changes will come from your suggestions - don’t hold back, I can take it.

And then, it's back to the usual content.

Testing 1-2-3: Your eyes are not deceiving you. I'll have a lot more to say about why things are like they are soon. For now, it appears to be functional and that's about all I'm asking for. Needs teaks. Definitely needs tweaks. And your comments are welcome.

A further test. Here's a quotation.

This should be block indented and observably smaller. If it's not, that means I mangled something royally. If it is, that'll be a miracle. So, is it? Let's see...

Now here's what a link will look like. Nifty highlight, eh?

Back with more soon.

Not So Super: Since I bored you to tears with my football predictions back in Nov/Dec, I was a good boy and stopped. But I think the Super Bowl is worth an exception.

I was rooting for the Raiders. The question of whom to root for in a game wherein one feels no particular loyalty to one team or another is a complex one. Some people go through superstitious contortions to come up with a reason: "Tampa Bay is in the same division as my team and no Super Bowl winner in a year with a zero in it that was held west of the Mississippi has ever won their division the following season so I'm rooting for Tampa Bay cause I want them to be hosed next season." Some people go on the basis of who has the cooler uniforms, "That orange color of Tampa Bay is sooo 2001." The most valid reason is, of course, that you've placed a bet (I didn't).

I always like to root for the good guys, so that means I have to rationalize who the good guys are.

In Tampa Bay's favor:

• I like Chucky. I bet he's a lot of fun in the clubhouse. He also gave the least charismatic QB in the league, Brad Johnson, a chance at success after Dan Snyder sacked him in DC because he's "got no arm". He became an MVP candidate and the top passer in the post-season.
• I like the Florida Gulf coast. Not that it has anything to do with football, but still.

Against Tampa Bay:

• Warren Sapp is loud and obnoxious.
• Keyshawn Johnson is more loud and obnoxious than Warren Sapp.

In Oakland's favor:

• Some players with a whole lot of class: Gannon, Rice, Rod Woodson.
• Lots of old guys - not much younger than me in some cases. This counts double, in my book.

Against Oakland:

• Al Davis - A freak in a sweatsuit.
• Bill Romanowski - A pharmacologically maintained Neanderthal.

In the end I got behind Oakland because of the classy old guys. That worked out well.

You may have been following the story of the Raiders Pro Bowl center, Barret Robbins, who showed up drunk as a skunk for a team meeting and was subsequently told he was out of the lineup. In a plot twist worthy of Six Feet Under, it turns out that the guy is bipolar (I know I sleep well at night knowing there are 325 pound bipolar individuals roaming freely in society, how 'bout you?) and had gone off his meds. Under the pressure of the upcoming Super Bowl, he cracked and found himself going mental in a bar in Tijuana. Picture this: A 325-pound no-neck in a south-of-the-border dive, alternately buying rounds of Tequila for the house and crying in suicidal despair at the possibility of letting his teammates and family down.

The Raiders team, along with virtually all sports talking heads around the country, have been declaring that, while it was an unfortunate incident, it was not the reason the Raiders lost. Sorry, but it very much was.

If there is any consistent theme in football, it is that the play of the offensive line is ALWAYS underappreciated. This is done even by folks who make a career in football. In the first two seconds of a play, if the offensive line doesn't achieve it's goals - open the right lanes, form a good pocket, pick up a blitz - I'd be willing to be that the odds of a play succeeding drop by about two-thirds. And it is not just a matter of stopping a defender in a strength on strength battle. Defenses have all sort of tricks and shifts and strategies to confuse the o-linemen into missing their blocking assignments. The o-linemen have to work as a unit to adapt to these and pick up the right defenders. (Interestingly, the NFL regularly does some sort of IQ test for all players and it turns out offensive tackles come out on top position-wise.)

After losing four in a row early in the season, the Oakland o-line had been phenomenal. At least as good as the Tampa Bay defense, which has been heralded as one of the best in history. They were responsible for consistently giving Gannon enough time be one of the most accurate passers ever, and, in the few situations where a ground game was called for, the RBs had openings just as if they were the first options.

Generally quarterbacks and running backs understand this. That's why, since offensive linemen don't make the big bucks QBs and RBs do, the QBs and RBs buy extravagant gifts for their linemen. I read this year it was common to buy a $10,000 plasma TV for each of your linemen. Think about that. Linemen are so important to those who play the glory positions that they don't mind dropping round about a hundred grand to keep them happy.

All this was blatantly on display in the Super Bowl. There were instances where the Oakland o-line was out-of-sync or even confused. More than once Tampa Bay rushers went by virtually unimpeded. The result: Gannon sacked 5 times, and when not flat on his back, he was so thoroughly pressured that he coughed up 5 interceptions - so much for Mr. Accurate. If you think the o-line just happened to have a bad day and Barret Robbins had nothing to do with it, it's time to check in for a news update from Reality. Never underestimate the importance of the offensive line.

So, yes, it was Barret Robbins fault. Or it was the fault of his DNA sequence that made him bipolar. Or it was his bad judgment in going off his meds. But, as harsh as it sounds, there is one person to look at when assigning responsibility.

What a story, eh? A man's fatal flaw (bipolar disorder) combines with his fear of failure to bring about the failure he feared. A Greek tragedy in real life.

Poorer quality drama came after the game. Raiders fans, disappointed at their teams defeat, decided the stores and buildings and cars of Oakland were at fault. The intellectual rigor behind this strategy was exemplified by a two-bit rapper, improbably named Hannibal Willis.

"We lost, and that bothers a lot of the young people out here," said Hannibal Willis, a member of the rap group Hazardous Materials. "A lot of them are real Raider friends. I ain't gonna lie -- if we had won, we would have done the same thing, but milder."

But then, why give out your name when you can provide more solid evidence of your own criminality.

About 10 vehicles were set on fire and crowds broke the windows of at least one television news van, police and witnesses said. One group of young men set debris on fire in the middle of a street and then posed for news photographers.

Yes, in future neutral match-ups, this will count heavily against the Raiders, despite all their classy old guys. Time for Weird Al Davis to move the team again.

As a final close to football season, it's appropriate to review predictions by the football intelligentsia over the past few months. No one does that better that Gregg Easterbrook, Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Check out his final column of the season for a review of the prediction carnage.

Toolin' Around at a Dead Stop: You may now read the details of my arduous journey 50 miles east to the North American Auto Show in Dee-troit. Sadly, it didn't turn out to be so much about cars.

Industrial Suicide Watch: The radio industry continues its self-immolation, as thoughtfully documented in this longish feature (5 pages) in the Washington Post. Start with this apt description of the current state of affairs.

Owing to a growing sophistication in audience research, light-speed consolidation of radio ownership and the attendant rise in value of FM stations, the commercial FM dial has been essentially reduced to six musical formats: Pop/rock, hip-hop, country, classical, Spanish-language and variations on the theme of "adult contemporary," a sort of light pop or R&B. Research has shown radio owners that these are the moneymaking formats, and this is where they've flocked. Swept off the dial are niche formats, such as blues, bluegrass, easy listening and jazz, except for Kenny G-style "lite jazz," which falls neatly in the adult contemporary category.

One good point is the answer to the question of why we even care if radio exists.

Sure, you can download your entire CD collection onto your iPod and walk around with it. But those are the songs in your library, and even in random play there is a certain joyless satiety to that. The magic of radio long has been and will continue to be: You're alone in your car, flipping the dial, and, every so often, at exactly the right moment, exactly the right song comes on the radio. It makes you slap the steering wheel with happiness. The serendipity is spellbinding.

We are treated to a brief history of FM radio and Lee Abrams, who, in the early 70s, took FM from the free form, DJ programmed broadcasts to scientifically programmed playlist. As described by Ben Fong-Torres, nostalgic hippie magazine editor, immortalized in the movie Almost Famous.

"At its height in FM, you could look to the announcer as a person to inform you about not only the music and artists, but about the community at large," says Fong-Torres, 57, who lives in San Francisco and is a writer and lecturer. "They could bring in personal sensibilities to his or her broadcast day and, by their mood, tell you what is going on in the world around them. Then, if you happened to fall in and match their mood, they could play music that would be an underscore, an underpinning to what you have in common. Whatever you're thinking politically or socially; if you're coming down from a high or getting high, whatever. At the right moment with the right person on the radio, you could go on a little journey together."

Yet despite this, it turns out corporate programmer Lee Abrams may actually be the one to bring radio back as a big wig at XM radio, the 100 channel satellite network. Abrams, and anyone else who's at least partially sentient, seems to believe that Clear Channel (eew! ick!) took his system to an insane extreme.

Ten years ago, the nation's more than 12,000 radio stations were owned by 5,100 companies and individuals. Now, that number stands at about 3,800 owners. San Antonio-based Clear Channel Communications may own more than 1,200 stations, but the issue is larger than sheer numbers. Because many of those Clear Channel stations are in the nation's largest cities, fully half of the U.S. population hears the company's stations every day. (The eight stations Clear Channel owns in Washington are the maximum allowed in one city.)

On the upside, a lot of mom-and-pop station owners became instant millionaires and retired happy. On the downside, these new, huge radio chains were saddled with debt. Tiny, privately owned companies became big, publicly traded companies now subject to the demands of Wall Street, which expected continued growth and escalating earnings.

To meet the Street's demands, stations had to increase revenue and cut costs. Cutting costs meant consolidating jobs. If a company owned five stations in one city, it might fire three program directors and put all five stations under the charge of two PDs, who could hardly devote their full attention to the sound and music selection of all five stations. The big chains fired local on-air hosts and replaced them with syndicated shows.

To raise revenue, stations increased the number of commercials they played. Once in the 10-minutes-per-hour range, most stations now more than double that, often playing the ads in uninterrupted blocks.

Individual radio stations -- some of which big chains paid more than $100 million to acquire -- simply became too valuable to become laboratories for anything chancy, such as trying an unproven music format, tolerating extended deejay disquisitions or spinning a song that wasn't a guaranteed hit.

Stations became slaves to the kind of research Abrams pioneered.

Amen. This has gotten me excited about XM radio and it's competitor Sirius. I'm gonna shop around.

For added spice, Wired is running a couple of related articles. This one speculates what would happen if the music mega-firms actually disappeared, and this one highlights one way the music industry is, not surprisingly, misguidedly trying to fight the inevitable. Embrace or die, dudes.