Four O'Clock High: Back when I was but a lad, there were regularly scheduled movies played on TV (the local ABC affiliate) at 4 PM every weekday. This was cleverly called "The 4 O'clock Movie." Generally, these were third rate dramas and old movies that the station could run on the cheap, presumably. Occasionally, they would have a special week of movies that were of interest to myself, as a lad, such as Monster Week (Godzilla, etc.) or Spy week (Matt Helm and other shagadelic James Bond knock-offs) or Horror week (old Vincent Price cheapies) and Adventure week (Ray Harryhausen's Sinbad flicks or Jason and the Argonauts).

Lord of the Rings would make a good 4 O'clock movie.

First, I watched LotR on a hotel TV set in Washington DC. You will argue that I can't possibly enjoy it on such a small screen. By that I suppose you're saying the special effects are what made it great. If that is your argument, you lose. No matter how good the effects are, they do NOT make or break a movie, despite what the folks at Industrial Light and Magic will tell you. Movies are drama, good drama does not need special effect to succeed. If it does, it's not good drama.

Second, I have never read the book. You will argue that you can't possibly appreciate the movie without having read the book. Again, you lose. If that is the case then don't put the movie out for general consumption without a disclaimer, and don't pretend it exists as something other than a visual aid for the novel. There are two things that can happen when a filmmaker assumes pre-existing knowledge of the story. 1) You end up with a vague muddle of a plan (like 2001: A Space Odyssey), and you have to impress everyone with special effects. Or 2) you end up with a story that has only a very tenuous causal progression, and you have to impress everyone with special effects. The later describes LotR.

I know many of you think I just like to go about trashing things. In my own defense, I have to emphasize that I approached this with an open mind. Really I did. But the shortcomings were apparent from the get-go, and they didn't really improve over the course of the movie.

The plot of LotR is moved forward through narration. Interminable narration. Narration to explain the history of the ring. Narration to explain all the players in the drama. Narration to discuss the relationship of the races. Everyone involved with the production of this movie should be forced to write out the Henry James quote, "Dramatize. Always dramatize," at least 500 times. In big black letters. Using the script for paper.

We are told the story of the Ring and how it came to the possession of a Hobbit. (Hobbits are like the nerds of the fantasy world. Hobbits succeeding in spite of this, put one in mind of Revenge of the Nerds.) We are told that the ring is being sought after by bad guys and how important it is for the bad guys not to get it. It falls to one particular Hobbit to safeguard it. This is where things get a bit confusing. In the book I'm sure it's clear to everyone why this certain Hobbit is fated to deal with this issue. I'm also sure that the reason other Hobbits are delighted to risk life and limb to accompany him in his endeavor is apparent to the knowledgeable. To viewers ignorant of the intricacies of the myth, the reason for all this is that we are told.

What follows is a journey by a not-so-merry, multi-racial (Hobbits, Elves, Humans, a Dwarf) band from one encounter to another with various well-rendered evil creatures. Each battle is prefaced by dire, long-winded narration about the horrible consequences of failure. Afterwards, some member of the band declares it to be gravely important that they get on to one of many significantly named geographic regions: The Dark Forest of Whatsiwhosit, The Mystical Hills if Whereintheworld, The Valley of the Golden Whateveryoulike. The meaning of these names, or why it is so important that they make it to those particular destinations, we don't know. Correction: I don't know. It is entirely possible that it made perfect sense to the Tolkein cognoscenti.

Maybe this film could have been saved by brilliant actors. It seems none were available. The lead Hobbit was a played by a graduate of the deer-in-the-headlights school of acting. The leader of Elf-land was the guy who played the Agent in The Matrix. I was begging for him to say "Mis-ter And-er-son" just once. Liv Tyler looked particularly fetching in pointy ears. In fact, she has the most exciting sequence in the movie, which is an intense and gracefully shot horse chase. The assorted wizards and the various members of the band could have been culled from any sword and sorcery movie of the last twenty years - even as far back as Adventure week.

And that's where my revelation came from. LotR is tailor-made for a 4 O'Clock Movie. With running length of THREE HOURS, you could probably stretch it into an entire special week all by itself with enough commercials. If it was on when I got home from school and there was nothing to do outside, I'd probably watch it.

Or maybe I could leave it playing in the background while I read the book.