Art? Fair?: Here's what you do. If you want to look like a local wear one of those shirts that says, "Welcome to Ann Arbor. Now go home."

It's time for the Ann Arbor Art Fair: 7/17-7/20. (At this point, pedants will pop out of their burrows like prairie dogs to state that it actually consists of three separate art fairs held at once - one on South University, one on State St, and one on Main. To them I say, "Nobody likes a pedant.") You can think of the Art Fair as one of those small town festivals, where everyone sets up booths to sell their arts and crafts except that it covers miles and is a lot more expensive.

Natives turn up their collective noses at the hoards of suburbanites who make the pilgrimage down this way. This is similar to the attitude you get from the locals in, say, Cancun just before spring break; disgust at the crude, uncivilized invaders about to overwhelm the infrastructure. Oddly, whether in Cancun or Ann Arbor, nobody complains about the money that is spent.

Honestly, Art Fair is not the best time to visit. But other than football Saturdays in the fall, it's when everyone finds an excuse to come to town. Let me offer some suggestions for how to do art fair properly.

When and How: Come on Wednesday or Thursday of at all possible. On those days the crowd is merely wall-to-wall, as opposed to Friday and Saturday when the crowds are comparable to the Black Hole of Calcutta. Unless you know your way around town, park at the Briarwood Mall (right off I-94) and take the shuttle in. Ann Arbor is a difficult city to navigate in the best of circumstances. These are the worst. Briarwood is a good place to catch the shuttle because on the way back there may be horrible back-ups getting back on to the freeway. If you're at Briarwood, at least you can wander the air-conditioned mall until things clear up a bit. Come early. You'll want to explore before it gets too hot. By the time late afternoon rolls around, you'll want to find somewhere indoors to chill out.

Cluestick I: It will be hot. Or it will rain. Or both. Bring a hat and sunglasses; wear comfortable airy clothes. And clean underwear (but that has nothing to do with Art Fair).

What I am about to say is important. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT WEAR SPANDEX. Nobody wants to see that. Trust me.

Cluestick II: Don't whine about the prices. Everything is overpriced. You think this is a friggin' outlet mall or something? These people are artists, you understand? A-R-T-I-S-T-S. So don't bother picking up some freaky doo-dad and asking at the top of your lungs, "Who would ever pay these prices?" The only thing worse than pompous, greedy artists are boorish, trailer-trash rubes expressing shock (shock!) at the prices. Seriously, what did you expect? Try to be civilized and quietly mention how expensive everything is later over drinks before dinner. Believe me, we all agree.

A Personal Request: Every year I see that same couple. He is wearing fuscia shorts, a green polyester shirt that barely covers his gut, sandals and white knee socks. She is mostly gelatinous, wearing enough spandex to cover a woman precisely half her size, and carrying a shopping bag filled with a $5 souvenir t-shirt, bottled water and Little Debbies that she brought from home because they charge too much in the stores. Both are drenched in sweat and close to cardiac arrest because they believe their semi-weekly outlet mall shopping expeditions have prepared them for this. She stops every other booth and shouts "Would you look at these prices!" He just wants the day to be over and yells back "Its a scam. I told you its all a scam to catch suckers! Let's get going!" Yep, they're making memories together.

If you are that couple, please don't come this year. You really don't enjoy it, and frankly, we only tolerate people like you if you spend money.

The plan: So here's what you should do. First, do not bother with the art. Really, there are a handful of interesting artists but it's not really worth the trouble to find them. Come for the entertainment. There's music all over the place. Other performing artists are on display. And there are some of the strangest people you will ever see. That's the key: if you didn't come to shop, you'll be OK.

Locate shady places for eating lunch. Many restaurants serve walking-around food at the storefront. It's good stuff. Try the little out of the way places. You may get into Fleetwood diner, but that'll be tough. Tios, on Huron, is one of those good little Mexican places. Jerusalem Garden on Division for Middle Eastern. Oasis on South University for fresh healthy stuff. I could go on. Resign yourself to an outdoor walking around lunch. You may get a table on Wednesday or Thursday but it's unlikely on Friday or Saturday. If you really want to sit inside, chances are better if you can hold off on lunch until 2-3pm. Unless it rains; then everyone dashes into the nearest restaurant and stays there until it stops.

If you want to get away from the crowds head to Nichols Arboretum find a shady tree to nap under or just lounge on the grass by and watch the Huron river flow by.

Once you've heard all the music you want and seen every site you want, it's time to think about dinner. There are an amazing number of excellent restaurants in Ann Arbor, I'm not going to tell you which one to go to. The best thing to do is check out the menus as you pass during your wanderings of the day or ask some of the locals, they'll have opinions. Here's one best of list for a start. Again, on Friday or Saturday, resign yourself to a long wait. Two hours, maybe more. That's OK if you have the right frame of mind. Now is the time to have that drink, complain about the prices, wonder what it would be like to live here.

If you can, make your dinner as leisurely as possible and take a walk Main Street after dark. Stop at La Dolce Vita for dessert.

The shuttle stops at 10pm (7pm on Saturday). You can count your trip a success if you decide to hang around just a bit longer and catch a cab back to your car. Or better yet, come back the next day when the streets are empty and it feels like you have the city to yourself. That's when I'll be there.