Football Results - Week 9:There are three stages of primatological de-evolution involved in getting eviscerated by the NFL. You begin the day as a rational intelligent Homo Sapiens, by mid-Sunday a passer-by might mistake you for a retarded Baboon, and by the end, you are the intellectual equivalent to a hydrocephalic Tree Shrew.

• New England +2.5 at Buffalo - Pick: Bills beat the spread. Wrong! This would have been my first clue that things were not going to go well for me. There is just no way this should have happened.


• Minnesota +7.5 at Tampa Bay - Pick: Vikings beat the spread. Wrong! I was counting on a low scoring game, what with Tampa Bay's anemic offense (no offensive TDs in their last two games) and Minnesota being, well, Minnesota. I just thought the 7.5 might be a more appropriate over/under.


• Baltimore +7.5 at Atlanta - Pick: Falcons cover. Wrong! I was happy to see that Baltimore got to Vick - a few sacks, minus 5 yards rushing - of course the net result was that the Falcons didn't cover. Now I'm even more sick of Vick.


• Philadelphia -6.5 at Chicago - Pick: Eagles cover. Wrong! This should have been the blow out - not NE/Buffalo. Apparently Chicago provided the Eagles with their best chance to sleepwalk through a game and still win. So they did. Slackers. Have they no concept of THE SPREAD?


• Pittsburgh -3 at Cleveland - Pick: Steelers cover. Push. At this point in the day, I was declaring this a resounding victory for me.


• Dallas +3 at Detroit - Pick: Lions cover. Wrong! The Lions had more points (9) than first downs (8). You will never see this game on ESPN Classic. Tapes of this game are being used in sleep disorder clinics around the country.


• Cincinnati +3 at Houston - Pick: Texans cover. Wrong! There is a misguided saying about how an exception "proves the rule." Muddleheaded people often say this when something contradicts an accepted belief as justification for continuing to hold that belief despite the contradiction. They think the meaning of the saying is that the existence of an exception only verifies the rule. That is the stupidest thing ever. It's like saying that the fact that the world is round proves that it's flat. In fact, the word 'prove' in this instance is synonymous with 'challenge', not 'verify' (you can look it up). Now, as we all know, it is a scientific fact that any team can beat the Bengals by any amount they wish. At times like this I wish I were muddleheaded enough just to call it an exception that proves the rule. But I can't. I have too much respect for the integrity of science and the scientific method. The only possible scientific conclusion is that the Texans, for unknown reasons, wanted to lose by 35 points. If I were the commissioner, I'd be running a scandal investigation.


• Tennessee +3.5 at Indianapolis - Pick: Titans beat the spread. A Winnah! The Colts are clearly worse than I thought. If the Titans hadn't slacked in the 4th Q it would have been an enormous blowout. I need to keep that in mind for week 10. Have you noticed how far you have had to read before you reached a good pick? Are you still awake, even?


• New York Jets +7.5 at San Diego - Pick: Chargers cover. Wrong! How in the name of all that's holy...ah, never mind. I don't even want to talk about it.


• San Francisco +3 at Oakland - Pick: Raiders cover. Wrong! This is what I was talking about when I implied NE/Buffalo set the tone for the day. Just like Buffalo, Oakland had every reason in the world to win this game. The Raiders appear to be making a ham-fisted attempt at suicide.


• St. Louis -3 at Arizona - Pick: Rams cover. A Winnah! Rams are beginning to show their true colors and I suspect they can smell a playoff berth despite their horrendous start. Apparently that smell of a playoff berth is identical to the smell of Marshall Faulk after a hundred yard game. It's not something I want to dwell on.


• Washington +3 at Seattle - Pick: Redskins beat the spread. A Winnah! It occurred to me, if you don't like Washington because of their racially offensive name, just think of them as the Potatoes. Apropos of nothing.


• Jacksonville +3 at New York Giants - Pick: Giants cover. A Winnah! This was pure luck. There is simply no way to tell if you're going to get the good Giants or the bad Giants. I'd use Schroedinger's Cat as a metaphor but I don't have the energy.


• Miami +4.5 at Green Bay - Pick: Packers cover. A Winnah! This was a real no brainer, which works out well for a hydrocephalic Tree Shrew.

5-8-1. And that good only because of a heroic comeback in the night games. Maybe I should just play Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Point-Spread to get my picks in the future. So that leaves me at a politely humble 12-14-2 for the season.