Friday, November 15, 2002

Football Results - Week 10: There was once a female stand-up comic named Judy Tenuta. Her signature line was to shout, "Worship me, pigs!" at the audience. And there was once an animated comedy called The Family Guy wherein a super-genius infant named Stewie plotted to take over the world. Stewie made liberal use of the imperative and would loudly inform everyone he met that "You will bow before me!"

Let me just say that those two have nothin' on me this week. 10-3-1. I repeat with gusto: 10-3-1. I'd be willing to bet that in the annals of game picking, you could count the number of times anyone has done that well without removing your shoes. Ah yes, that glow of victory has given me a nice bronzed skin tone this week. Strangers in the street involuntarily genuflect as I pass.

Did I mention that I was 10-3-1.
  • Indianapolis +9.5 at Philadelphia Pick: Colts - A Winnah! Let's see, including the 9.5 point bonus, Indy won by about 300 points.

  • Cincinnati +5.5 at Baltimore Pick: Ravens - A Winnah! There's really no point in bragging about this one. It's like picking the sun to rise tomorrow.

  • Detroit +10 at Green Bay Pick: Lions - Wrong! Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons over at ESPN Page 2, who has forgotten more about picking football games than I will ever know, has an immutable rule: Never bet against Brett Favererer. Michele, blogmistress extraordinaire of A Small Victory, dropped a line before the game to guarantee the Packers would cover. It seems everybody was in on this but me. Understand: my expectation was that the Pack would run up a lead and then maybe slack a bit and let the Lions come within 10. When the halftime score was 30-7 I figured I was in good shape. The Pack could ease up, maybe even rest Brett Favererer, and let the Lions gut out a couple of ugly touchdowns for a 30 to 21 final and redemption for me. Sadly, even when slacking, the Packers could not help but outscore the Lions in the second half. That's the last time I pick the Lions for anything. Ever. (Unless the spread is big enough.)

  • Minnesota +1 at New York Giants Pick: Giants - A Winnah! "Meow," said the cat in the box.

  • Atlanta +5.5 at Pittsburgh Pick: Falcons - A Winnah! Lots of people are up in arms about the overtime rules - they want to get rid of sudden death, or at least assure that each team gets one chance on offense once OT begins. I'm fine with sudden death, I just wish they'd play until someone scores. Baseball and basketball go on until someone wins. Football and hockey don't (until the playoffs). What's the reasoning? Some of the most memorable games in history are those marathon sessions that occur in the hockey playoffs. Sister-kissing should be outlawed.

  • San Diego +5.5 at St. Louis Pick: Chargers - A Winnah! Poor Chargers, decidedly trounced by the Jets a week prior, then they blow it in the 4th Q. I'm glad they had the presence of mind to beat the spread.

  • Houston +10 at Tennessee Pick: Texans - A Winnah!. Thanks to the Titans for not distastefully running up the score.

  • New Orleans -5.5 at Carolina Pick: Saints - A Winnah! The most perfect example of how charmed I was last week. New Orleans was up by 3 in the last few seconds of the game. Now, if the Saints had possession, they would have just taken a knee and walked off - don't wanna run up the score or anything - without covering. But wait! On the final play it's a turnover! The lineman who recovers for New Orleans is so delighted to have a clear path to the end zone he doesn't think about the propriety of running up the score, he just goes for it. New Orleans ends up winning by 10. It is unlikely anything so provident will ever happen again in my lifetime. Like I said, 10-3-1.

  • Washington +3 at Jacksonville Pick: Potatoes - Wrong! Spurrier had appeared to be developing the first vestiges of a clue how to operate in the NFL, then he comes up with this. A big issue was made that Spurrier threw his visor to the ground in disgust. It's just throw, throw, throw with that guy.
  • Seattle +3.5 at Arizona Pick: Seahawks - A Winnah! I have it on reliable authority that Mike Holmgren had long talk with himself regarding the direction of the team an his future. Holmgren made it clear that Holmgren needed to win this game and that his job was on the line.

  • New England -3.5 at Chicago Pick: Patriots - Wrong! Wouldn't you know it? This was the one I picked as a no-brainer. This shoulda been a gimme, yet the Pats barely eek out a victory. What's more remarkable is that if they didn't benefit from some seriously friendly calls late in the game, they wouldn't have even won. How can they steamroller the Bills then have to luck out to beat the Bears? Why do I ask unanswerable questions like that? Do you picture me with a confused look on my face, kind of like A.J. Soprano?

  • Kansas City +6 at San Francisco Pick: Chiefs - A Winnah! All that whimpering for close games paid off. I feel young again. Like a child who can get whatever he wants just by whining.

  • Miami +3 at New York Jets Pick: Jets - Push! I kind of pity the Fins. I would guess they really put their best game on the field here. Talk about star-crossed, they go to all that trouble to try to get Cris Carter playing - a dubious decision in my book - and, sure enough, he promptly gets himself hospitalized. There are still two or three games until Fiedler returns. The temptation will be to try to do something to salvage the season, like pinning their hopes on the aging and heavily concussed Troy Aikman. Forget it. Ain't gonna happen. Let Lucas try to play his way through it. Give your rookies some field time. Experiment. If you manage to only lose one of the next three games, great, maybe you still have an outside chance at a playoff berth. But whatever happens, when Fiedler returns win every remaining game. Even if you don't make the playoffs, you'll build a sense that you were robbed by fate so that next year becomes your destiny. (Pretty good speech, eh? Enough stirring "wait 'til next year" speeches and you give the Red Sox a run for their money.)

  • Oakland +5.5 at Denver Pick: Raiders - A Winnah! Not bad for a bunch of old farts in a low oxygen environment. Gannon (age 73) completed 29 straight passes - yes, the one that was called out of bounds was actually a completion so I'm counting it - and used the 3-4 yard pass like Woody Hayes used a cloud of dust. Rod Woodson (age 86) had the game breaking interception, and Jerry Rice (age 112) caught two TDs. Afterwards they held interviews at the local Bill Knapps.