Monday, April 18, 2005

The Ongoing Saga of Ron Mexico: Long time readers will remember my Sick of Vick campaign from a couple years ago. This was during Michael Vick's rookie year as quarterback of Falcons when everyone couldn’t stop talking about him. He was worshipped far and wide, and deservedly so since he was not only demonstrating extraordinary athletic ability but he seemed to be a truly nice guy. So I decided to hate him.

Now you would think I'd feel tremendous gratification at the recent turn of events in his life but, while I do appreciate the indescribably perfect low-brow comedy of it all, I actually kind of feel sorry for the guy.

It starts with a lawsuit, like most things seem to do. Turns out our buddy Mike has a little problem in the privates. The word I'm thinking of starts with H and rhymes with burpees. Yeah, and he also had himself a little bareback roll in the hay with a lass who caught his fancy. Said lass, displeased with discovering she had said condition, decided to initiate said lawsuit. In the course of the suit it emerged that, when visiting the doctor for treatment of his condition, Vick used the alias Ron Mexico.

Allow that to sink in. Ron Mexico. Sweet Fancy Moses! Could there be anything more perfect? Ron Mexico. He needs an alias for when he gets treatment for a sexually transmitted disease and he makes up a porn star name. Ron Mexico. Thank you, God, for keeping me entertained.

Naturally my first thought was, I would kill for a Ron Mexico #7 Atlanta Falcons jersey. Well, it seems I'm not the only one. The NFL (No Fun League) is trying to stifle sales of Ron Mexico Falcons jerseys. Personally, I think this is a free speech issue and someone should notify the ACLU. One suspects this is primarily because the League has decided to push the Falcons in prime time TV -- three Monday nights and a Sunday night, same level of exposure as the champion Patriots. Luckily, it's eBay to the rescue. And, naturally, it was only the blink of an eye before appeared. In the immortal words of Nelson: HA-HA.

This is why I feel sorry for the guy -- it's just so comically bad. Here he is going be on TV in front of millions of people, essentially one of the NFL's front men, and he's going to have to face opposition crowds wearing Ron Mexxxico jerseys, and tailgaters playing James Taylor’s Mexico in the parking lot before the game, and fans flinging condoms on to the field, folks scalping tickets for "General Remission," while the announcers do their level best not to make mention of it, which will only make it stand out more. What's worse, I’m guessing the groupies aren't exactly going to line up to ease his pain afterwards.

The best he can hope for is a season ending injury before the first kick-off. It's going to be fascinating to see the activity during these games and how the media reacts to it. For now, I transfer leadership of the Sick of Vick program to the above mentioned lass.