A Pocket Full of Links: Just a few things I've been carrying around. No oddities or news of the weird, just quality links to prove I am not turning into a 24/7 football-head.

• I wrote a brief eulogy for one of my favorite sites, Arts & Letters Daily, a little while back. Well, I was delighted to find it has crawled back from the grave. Good news.


• Apart from being chock full of fascinating archaeological info on the Egyptian Valley of Kings, The Theban Mapping Project, deserves some kind of award for site design. How I wish I had broadband.


• In the Halloween vein, two sites that involve freaky faces. First, Photoshop manimals - people and animal photos semi-morphed together. Strangely gruesome, yet I can't look away. Or you can build a completely human face by combining the top and bottom of two others. Not sure which is more freaky.


• The New York Times provides a quick overview of the the state of modern cosmology. It seems the odds on favorite theory of existence involves innumerable parallel universes co-existing with our own. I don't know about you but I'd pay real folding money to go to a universe that was just one infinite Bellagio.

Football Results: After all my whining, things didn't turn out as bad as they could have.

• Oakland -3 at KC: Pick: Chiefs. A Winner! KC really is better than their record.


• Chicago +1 at Minnesota: Pick Bears. Wrong! Randy Moss has spent the better part of the season dropping passes. Last week Duante Culepepper seemed just as happy to throw interceptions and get the game over with. Sure enough, they wait for me to pick against them to play like they were supposed to all season.


• Atlanta +4 at New Orleans: Pick Saints. Wrong! I'm sick of Michael Vick. There I said it. Maybe I'll register SickOfVick.com. I hate how everyone thinks he's God's gift to whatever. I hate how he goes out of the way to say exactly the proper and respectful thing, when it's completely obvious that it's not even remotely what he's thinking. Yeah I know none of 'em mean it but he obviously doesn't mean it. He needs to go down. I hope some vindictive, mean spirited defensive end clotheslines him. He needs to be slammed to the point where the facade drops and he chokes and folds in a game and goes nuts toward the press afterwards. Funny it usually takes me a long time to get all contrarian with the latest version of Superman, but not this time.


• Cleveland +3 at NY Jets: Pick Jets. Wrong! I really had no idea on this one. It was fifty-fifty. So 'I don't care' is the story I'm sticking to.


• Pittsburgh -2.5 at Baltimore: Pick Steelers. A Winner! The Steelers, with a storybook backup QB and a backup running back who looks like he could start for just about any team in the league, trounce their division co-leaders. Pittsburgh is righteously set up for the rest of the season.


• Detroit +7 at Buffalo: Pick Bills. Push! Next week I'll find half-point lines so this won't happen.


• Tampa Bay -7.5 at Carolina: Pick Bucs. Wrong! I was right that Carolina would have trouble scoring at all. I just didn't realize Tampa Bay had such an atrocious offense. Lesson: Never pick a lame to beat a spread more than 3 points.


• Tennessee -5.5 at Cincinnati: Pick Titans. A Winner! Like I said, it is scientific fact that any team can beat Cincinnati by as much as they want. Which is why, when the Cincy running back had a great shot at the winning touchdown late in the game, he tripped over his own blocker and got stuffed. It was all in the name of science.


• Seattle +2.5 at Dallas: Pick Cowboys. Wrong! Emmitt plays over his head as expected. Seahawks QB goes down. Dallas should have been a shoo-in. Stupid Cowboys.


• Arizona +8 at San Francisco: Pick 49ers. A Winner! Just as expected. Nothing to see here. Move along.


• Denver +3 at New England: Pick Broncos. A Winner! Yeah, the NFL is starting to get past the early season weirdness and pre-season expectations are starting to be realized. Everyone discounted the Pats as a fluke and it looks like it was just a matter of time.


• Houston +10.5 at Jacksonville: Pick Texans. A Winner! If it weren't for an offensive line that turns David Carr into a human blocking dummy, the Texans would be a solidly mediocre team.


• Indianapolis at Washington (pick 'em): Pick Colts. Wrong! The big question is will Spurrier find a way to change QBs despite the victory.


• NY Giants +7 at Philadelphia: Pick Eagles. A Winner! The Giants played with verve and fire...about every 10th play. When Donovan McNabb made a long touchdown run to close out a 99-yard drive, the Giants just kind of jogged along and watched. Check out the replay, you'll see what I mean.

Best comeback of the week award goes to yours truly. Early in the day it looked like a bloodbath, but I came through to end up 7-6-1. One very small cheer for me. Next week's picks coming soon.

Luck Be a Lady: Sadly, the NFL is not a lady - it is a malevolent force; it is a vindictive manifestation of all that is evil; it is a load-bearing bar matron of despair. I'll review the carnage later. For now, here's what I did in Vegas.

Weekly Picks: As promised, NFL picks. This could be fun.

• Oakland -3 at KC: Oakland showing chinks in their armor. KC at home and underrated. KC beats the spread.


• Chicago +1 at Minnesota: Minnesota beat Detroit, and Detroit beat Chicago so, ipso facto, Minnesota should beat Chicago. Except Chicago lost a frustrating game to Detroit last week and should be looking for payback, whereas the Vikings seem to have pretty much packed it in. Chicago beats the spread.


• Atlanta +4 at New Orleans: Atlanta is having a good run primarily because QB Michael Vick is a good runner. But no team that depends on a running QB every really makes the top echelon. New Orleans is a monster and they're at home. New Orleans covers.


• Cleveland +3 at NY Jets: The Jets just trounced a lousy team (Minnesota) and Cleveland just squeaked by a lousy team (Houston). NY Jets cover.


• Pittsburgh -2.5 at Baltimore: Tied for the division lead, but Pittsburgh is better than their record and motivated to make up for their horrible start. Baltimore is at home, but Ray Lewis probably won't play. Pittsburgh covers.
  
• Detroit +7 at Buffalo: Detroit actually has a glimmer of hope for the future these days thanks to Joey Harrington's remarkable play for a rookie. But it's not the future. Buffalo covers.


• Tampa Bay -7.5 at Carolina: After a lucky start, Carolina is showing their true colors. They will be lucky to score at all. Tampa Bay covers.


• Tennesee -5.5 at Cincinnati: It is scientific fact that any team can beat Cincinnati by as much as they want. Tennessee covers.


• Seattle +2.5 at Dallas: The Cowboys only goal will be to get Emmitt at least 93 yards so he breaks Payton's record at home. That means either a) the Cowboys extra incentive to establish their running game makes means they can pass successfully and win, or b) the running game never gets off the ground and they have to get Emmitt 50 carries to get him the record because he is getting inches per carry. I guess (a). Dallas covers.


• Arizona +8 at San Francisco: 49ers looking to make up for last week should win handily. San Francisco covers.


• Denver +3 at New England: Patriots do not look as invincible these days, but then neither do the Broncos. I would have put the line on this battle of Wolverine QBs at dead even. Denver beats the spread.


• Houston +10.5 at Jacksonville: Even though Jacksonville will rack up 47 sacks, 10 1/2 points is a big margin. Houston beats the spread.


• Indianapolis at Washington (pick 'em): Washington certainly has something to prove and Indy is not as impressive as their record. But Indy is still the better team. Indy wins.


• NY Giants +7 at Philadelphia: Philly is a powerhouse. It's also a Monday night showcase (which means they get an extra day to prepare). Philly covers.

Ugly Is As Ugly Does: You know that Cadillac commercial - the one where the guy is driving a beautiful '50s era convertible and he's stuck in traffic. Suddenly he pulls off onto a long straight country road, Led Zeppelin is playing, supposed to symbolize freedom from the stifling world in some way, I assume. So he's cruising along happily in his old Caddy. Then he starts seeing new model Caddies: one passes him - it's driven by a woman who is checking him out - he spots one of those behemoth Escalades, he sees the latest roadster. The idea is to link the amazing new Cadillacs to the long tradition of fine Caddies going back to the '50s convertible he's driving.

But there's a minor problem that seems to have eluded the Cadillac marketing team. The new Caddies are BUTT-UGLY. I mean really really nasty looking. GM produced the ugliest car ever in the Aztek, then obviously applied the same philosophy to the entire Caddy line up. Wretch. The front ends of those cars look like they were assembled in the course of a Junkyard Wars episode gone horribly wrong. Then they draw a direct comparison to that gorgeous, stylish '50s convertible. You have got to be kidding me. Perhaps the Americans with Disabilities Act requires Cadillac to hire a certain number of blind people. This would rate high on the Unintentional Comedy Scale, but it's even too dumb to be funny.

A Million Days of Folding: I used to participate in a distributed computing project called Folding@Home, which was an effort to create a mathematical model of protein folding. Proteins do all the heavy lifting in molecular biology and they go through a process called folding, which we don't really understand in detail because modelling it requires an enormous amount of computational power. Folding@Home, a research outfit out of Stanford U., attacked this problem by taking these computations, breaking them into small pieces and distributing them to volunteers all over the world, who used their personal computers to complete their portion of the computation, return the results, then pick up another portion. These computations run as background processes on the volunteers' computers, using processor time when it would be otherwise idle (which for most of us is probably about 90% of the time), working like a screen saver. As a result, Folding@Home was able to complete a million days of processing in just a few months, according to MSNBC. This system just yielded their first success, a model of the folding of a protein called BBA5. I don't pretend to understand the science behind it, but I'm pretty sure this is a Good Thing. (I sure wish I could still participate in the project, but you really need a persistent internet connection and the only one I have access to is at work, where running distributed clients is forbidden.)

Punch It In The Face: This comes via Sheri (who's moved - update your links). It seems a very large adult male cougar was recently killed by a car - not in the wilds of Wyoming, not on a lonesome back road in New Mexico, but in Kansas City. There's a comforting thought. Opinion seems to be biased towards it being wild; no indications it was raised in captivity. If so, it will be the first wild cougar in the area for 100 years. A victory for conservation, sure, but what about the rest of us? What should we do if we run into one of these things without a car to protect us? The answer: "Don't run, he said, because you can't outrun a cougar. Do yell and make threatening gestures, he said. Spread a jacket to appear bigger. If a cougar attacks, fight back with whatever means available, such as punching it in the face." So flip him off and start screaming "You want a piece of me! Huh? You want a piece of me! Well, here I am! Bring it!" If he attacks get all Bruce Lee with yourself on his nose. Yeah, that'll work.

Coming Attractions: I've been working on my Vegas article. With luck it will appear by the end of the week. Without luck next week some time. Luck...Vegas...there you are. Also, after my all too brief foray into sports betting, I've taken a deeper interest and been reading about the theorheticals. I'd like to dabble some more, but I think the nearest sports book is pretty far away, and there's no way I'm going to trust the Internet or some Wiseguy wanna be to make book for me. In the mean time, I may share a few picks with you, just to see how I'd do. No laughing if I end up in the virtual poorhouse. Target Friday for picks.

Black and White and Read All Over: Courtesy of The Legendary KK, we see you can tell a lot about a person by what they read. (BTW, I read the WSJ.)

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, so long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Roam If You Want To, Roam Around the Web: I swear, if I keep this up I'll eventually come to the outer edge of the Internet. Beyond here, there be dragons!

• File this one under "P" for Places I Could Waste Spend A Lot Of Time. Gizmodo is a weblog of gadgets. Excuse me, I'll be back in a while. Hold my calls.


• File this one under "A" for Another Place I Could Waste Spend A Lot Of Time. I'm not really sure what Levitated.net is all about but I keep clicking through to see what's behind all the intriguing images.


• Summer is gone and if you need a reminder why winter sucks, just think Slip 'N' Slide. They didn't have all these cool models when I was a kid. This is the only reason I would want a yard.

A Little Bit Of Night Posting: I hit these rogue waves while surfing. Luckily I didn't wipeout.

• IBM renounced a patent on tracking whose turn it was to go to the bathroom. Now we are all free to queue as we please with fear of violating patent law. "By disclaiming it, IBM now relieves the general public of wondering whether they would have been a target of this patent." And the general public can relieve themselves.


• This guy only wants simple dignity and respect for his chosen way of life. The latest oppressed minority: Cannibals.


• A Lucasfilm employee appears to be headed for the pokey after releasing Star Wars: Attack of the Clones into cyberspace. This probably cost George Lucas about $30.00 give or take. The ones I feel sorry for are the investigators who had to frequent Star Wars chat rooms looking for pirates. I hope they got hazard pay - those places will shrivel your brain.


• Joe Bob deserves a talk show. But I don't think a talk show audience would survive in the absence of comforting banality.


• I'm a sucker for Retro Groovy Lounge music that's been updated for the new millennium. Score, Baby seems like a good source for such stuff. It's loaded with reviews and samples. (The design could use some work - you know me and design.) They also promote this cool looking stream, Exploitika. Too bad they require broadband.


• Some people can't just appreciate art for art's sake. It's all got to be about facts and coherence and reasonable physics.


• I just got an idea for a screenplay for one of those Women in Prison movies. I'll make a mint.

A Light, Airy, Free-spirited Whine: I don't feel much inspired to keep up on the latest happenings. As such, I haven't been posting much.

I had a fine weekend - saw Caesar and Cleopatra (although I have no idea what the yoga-guy is doing in the background of that picture), a pretty good rendition of my favorite play of all time. I may have more to write about it in the future...but not until I get my Vegas write-up done (it's got a ways to go).

I've been having fun following the Dolphins, who won one of the most exciting games in history Sunday night. Here's a cute tradition: Each year, every member of the 1972 Dolphins, the only NFL team to have an undefeated season, keeps a bottle of bubbly on ice and cracks it open when the last unbeaten team of the season is defeated. That happened to be Sunday when the 0-5 Rams beat the 5-0 Raiders. Go figure. (Thanks to TMQ for that tidbit.)

Speaking of redesigns (we were, weren't we?) mine is going slow - I keep waiting for the point where everything will come together and I will get beyond feeling like an idiot re: Cascading Style Sheets. Interestingly, Wired News has recently done a redesign to separate content and structure, which happens to be what I'm trying to achieve in my own small way. I don't know if the design itself is so great, but the philosophy is sound. Hmmm. How lame is that? I'm attracted to the philosophy of a web page. I need a life. Bad.

This is something I never thought I'd say: I want to see an Adam Sandler film. I'll pause while pick yourself up off the floor... Punch-Drunk Love is getting good reviews and was written and direct by Paul Thomas Anderson, who directed Boogie Nights, which happens to be one of the best films of the 90s (I've mentioned it before). When, ok if, I actually get around to seeing it, I'll write it up for ya.

Sorry about all the parenthesis in this post (it's been kind of stream of consciousness). I've got some print media to catch-up on and I'm sure I'll have some good material next time around.

Note: This would have been up yesterday, but Blogger was hosed.

Here's To Your Health: Thanks to Kimba (via CVM):

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine, and the heart Disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

Conclusion: Drink, eat and screw all you want. It's speaking English that kills you.

R.I.P. Arts & Letters Daily: One of my favorite sites of all time, Arts & Letters Daily, recently
folded. I am truly saddened. It was always one of the first places I visited when trolling for posts, full of links to brilliant, qualitative articles, essays, book reviews, and all things aesthetic. I'd like to contact the editors to see if they have plans for a resurrection as a subscription service. I'd pay. I know many others would too. I'd even lend an editorial hand if they needed one. If anyone has an email addy for the former editors, please pass it along.

Dead Trees on Blogging: Is there anyone who isn't blogging? There are about three-quarters of a million known bloggers just using the blogger.com service, which is one of several services available. Needless to say, with that kind of coverage, blogging is obviously not the most efficient road to fame and fortune.

I have never seen any stats regarding the life-expectancy but I expect it's on the short side - it's very easy and cheap to start blogging, the effort is required in keeping at it. The other thing about blogs is that only a tiny fraction have any sort of interesting content. The rest are laundry lists of what people had for lunch or how much they hate everyone in their high school and other sorts of flatulence of the mind. (No, I won't be so insulting as to give you links to such sites.) I'm convinced that, in time, the faddishness will wear-off and the quality sites will bubble to the forefront. I hope this place is one of them. In the mean time, if you're interested in putting thought and effort into your blog, you may want to get some advice on how to do it right; there are lots of guidebooks available. From where I sit the most important thing to understand is that blogging is writing - the basics of good writing apply. Clarity, conciseness, and relevance to your audience are key.

Is It Wednesday Already?: I'm getting pretty much of nothing done but the funny thing is, if you asked why, I couldn't tell you. Sadly, I don't expect it to get any better for the next couple of weeks, so expect some slow going. Sorry.

You can check out the recent changes in the ongoing Pointless Redesign here. When it's done I'll have a lot to say about the reasoning behind it.

And I'm still working my way through Murakami's Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. It is mesmerizing - not what I would call a light read. There are some gruesome moments and some fairly explicit scenes. Fortunately he never goes so far with them that they become tawdry or excessive. Mostly it's filled with striking imagery and atmosphere, which is fascinating to me from a technical literary standpoint.

In any event, here are a few sites and stories that I have been accumulating. Apropos of nothing.

• The music industry continues on it's long road to self-destruction, having been found guilty of anti-trust behavior by price-fixing CDs. Upon the announcement, all the folks in the music section of Border's let out a collective "Duh." 67.4 million in cash and a further 75.7 million in free CDs. A drop in the bucket as far as these guys go, but the big hope is that this will alter future behavior. More commentary on the topic over at Blogcritics


• In a more interesting CD development, you can have your name etched into a CD that will be sent to Mars for safe keeping. Let's hope the Martians don't inundate us with junk mail.


• The 2002 Ig Nobel Prizes have been given out, and have generally received more press than their more serious brethren. Of course, anyone who has ever purchased a used textbook will appreciate the Literature prize winner's research on highlighting.


• These guys finally invented a machine that can see through things without emitting X-rays. As if they haven't been working on this since they got caught sneaking in the girls locker room in junior high. My only question is, how long until we have X-RAY SPEX?


• "Gosh, how can we increase attendance at this small Pennsylvania school? We need something to stop all these high-schoolers from heading West. Wait! I've got it!" Then later, "OK, we've suckered a bunch of fools who fell for the whole "California" caper, but now we've got a reputation for being a bunch of fools. We need some smart people. We need real nerds. Wait! I've got it!" Leonard Nimoy was unavailable for comment.


• I always like an aisle seat for easy entry and exit and access to the overhead. As close to the front as possible please, I don't like that annoying wait to get off the lousy plane. Of course there are exceptions, sometimes the extra room or solitude of an exit row is worth it. For folks like me, who put WAY too much thought into this, Seat Guru is your good friend. Your BEST friend, however, is a first class upgrade.


• Well I got my wish. In my HBO essay I prayed that they would re-run the Larry Sanders Show. And Lo! Bravo is doing just that. They have to edit it a bit naturally, but it remains one of the two finest comedy series ever (along with Seinfeld). If you don't get Bravo, this is worth the price of the upgrade.

Pay No Attention, I'm Just Passing Thru: I had a fairly productive weekend - I managed to make some good progress on the pointless re-design, and more importantly, I got some fiction written for the first time in what seems like forever (but is actually just a week or so, I think). I got a couple of good leads on a publisher for A Pleasure Doing Business With You and lots of other stuff too trivial to mention. I know I still owe you a recounting of my Vegas escapades - that should be fun. More to come...eventually. Stay tuned.

Word To Your Anchor CNN has instructed its newscasters to invoke words like 'homey' and 'flava' in it's news reports in an effort to attract younger viewers.

MEMO

From: AOL/Time-Warner, Staff Headquarters
To: Staff journalists
Re: Attracting Younger Viewers

As many of you are aware, recent surveys have revealed that viewership of CNN and CNN-Headline News has started to skew heavily to an older audience. While we are deeply honored by the appreciation we get from our mature audience and, in fact, have held a series of staff training exercises designed to raise awareness of age discrimination, we must also acknowledge that the young people are our future. Recent studies confirm that the 18-49 demographic will substantially outlive the 50-85 demographic.

As such, we are adopting a policy of controlled urban slang in relaying news items. Urban slang is a vocabulary style first used by inner-city people of color on recordings of a music style known as Rap or Hip-hop. It has since become very widely used as a form of communication amongst more mainstream younger persons, including those not of color.

Prior to attempting to infuse news copy with more a 'hep' style, it is important to assimilate some typical dialog. For this purpose we strongly recommend going to genuine sources - our focus group study indicates that reading of scholarly works on ebonics theory and renting a Denzel Washington movie will not suffice. Analysis shows the best results are achieved using the following techniques:

• Watching music videos on BET, paying special attention to overweight, male artists.


• Visit the local Abercrombie & Fitch and eavesdrop on the conversations of the young people around you. Do not attempt to buy anything as that may cause your name to appear in federal child sex offender databases.


• Viewing movies in the House Party series. You may submit a reimbursement request for rental or purchase of one movie. There is no need to view more than one since they are nearly identical.


• Purchase CDs from the Rap (or Urban) section of Tower Records. You may submit a reimbursement request for up to three CDs. Be wary of Vanilla Ice, Marky Mark, or Backstreet Boys as they may sound genuine to the uninitiated.

Remember, before you make use of any entertainment media it is appropriate to review the HR guideline document entitled Copyrighted Works: When What's Yours Is Really Ours.

To gauge your progress, please speak the following sound bites in front of a mirror and honestly assess your authenticity. If there is a teenager nearby, be sure to get feedback:

• Ken Lay gone buckwild then he bounce hisself right outta here.


• Saddam step to The Prez. The Prez say bring it.


• Martha Stewart gone all scarface. Damn! Bitch is whack.


• The Andrea Thompson is some Crazy Coochie.

Note that you may accentuate your authenticity with the use of certain gestures. The most common is to extend your right arm at a 45 degree angle, tense and splay your fingers, then deliberately draw your arm down and across your body. It is best to time this gesture to coincide with the dominant word in the phrase you are speaking.

There will also be company-wide initiatives to garner support for our new, youthful image. First, dress policy has been updated to allow for the wearing of baseball caps. Note that the caps must have a CNN (or other AOL/Time-Warner affiliate) logo, and must be worn backwards. Second, we will have a new tagline to be used in all CNN branded communications. The new tagline is "It's all good," and will be used in the new telecast voiceover by James Earl Jones: "This is CNN - It's all good". Additionally, CNN operators will greet all callers with "Thank you for calling CNN. It's All Good. How may I direct your call?"

We want to assure everyone that our youth initiative has the full support of senior management and working together in the dawn of this new millennium, we can make CNN young, stylish, and mad def. Yo.

Barb the Bard: This is too much. In an anti-war speech, Barbra Streisand quotes Shakespeare. Only she doesn't. The Shakespeare quote is a hoax, from an email that has been floating around the internet. Read this. This is just too good not to be real. Here's her quote:

Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded with patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader, and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar.

Shakespeare was a good writer who wrote in verse. That is not good writing. That is not verse. That is twaddle. I mean look at that wording, “it both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.” Surely, that is the work of a semi-literate political science major. Let's update it:

Beware the celebrity who comtemplateth the navel in order to whip herself into an egotistical fervor, for self-importance is a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the mouth, just as it reveals vapidity. And when self-importance has reached a fever pitch and the mouth runs on incessantly and the head is devoid of matter, the celebrity will have no need to engage in self-promotion. Rather, the media, infused with mindless awe and blinded by fame, will offer up all sorts of air time to the celebrity, and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Babs.