Wednesday, February 23, 2005

How To Dismantle a Carry-on Bomb: So there's this woman who got really upset at the stupidity displayed by her airline. As a insult, she chose to inform them that if she had a bomb they would never find it. Needless to say, high jinks ensued.

Now, it was a stupid thing to say. But I have a lot of sympathy for the woman since the airline in question was Mesa Airways which I have previously declared to be The Worst Airline Ever. Were I not deathly afraid of getting a full rectal exam by a semi-literate TSA agent with chillingly fat fingers, I would have had much more coarse words for them.

Here's the rub. As expected, TSA detains her but her bag still gets loaded on the flight. Upon arrival at it's destination, the plane is ordered to taxi to a far side of the airport where her bag was removed from the plane and searched on the runway by TSA. They found no bomb, so they blew up the bag. Go ahead and read it. Am I making this up?

Now I am willing to accept the possibility that Mesa Airlines, The Worst Airline Ever, could so fluster a terrorist the she would defiantly claim to have a bomb in her bag that they couldn’t find. It is quite likely a factual statement. Mesa Airlines, The Worst Airline Ever, couldn't find an Airbus 380 if it was parked in their boarding area.

But man did TSA screw the pooch here. First, they let the suspect bag on the plane. Once they did that, if they were sharp, they would have done anything to keep a low profile. But no, they have to pull the bag out on the runway and blow it up. Think about that, they couldn’t find a bomb in it, so they blew it up their own selves. I have this picture of a toothless fellow with a vapid grin and a TSA jacket, lighting the fuse to a cluster of M-80s and tossing them into the bag, then cackling with glee after the explosion.

I'm sure this was done to teach the woman a lesson about mouthing off…hmmm.

Look, I kid. It's nothing serious. I am a humorist after all. I love TSA. I think they perform a vital service with great care and courage. And I'm grateful for how they go to the trouble of wearing gloves during body cavity searches.