Mom: Oh am I glad that's over. He's huge.
Nurse: Um, OK - Huge it is.
Think of what it must've been like for the kid in school. There's just no way that's gonna work out well.
The point of all this is that I've managed to catch a couple of recently released movies on HBO. Note: For me recently released means they have been out long enough to show up on HBO, but not so long that they are on AMC. Both of them had Huge Ackman. (Huge. That kills me.) Here's the skinny.
X-Men: Based on the comic book from my childhood. A fairly good action flick; doesn't bog down too bad anywhere. Decent acting in general, and fine acting from Patrick Stewart, who could make reading the back of a bottle of detergent seem like a tour de force. There are bad mutants who hate that they are treated poorly by regular folk and so want to take over the world, and there are good mutants who hate that they are treated poorly by regular folk but are noble and hope to work for a positive change within the system. The egalitarian moral of the story seems to be that you can be a mutant with super powers and save the world, yet still be a victim. Hurrah.
Swordfish: A very, very bad movie, but a good insight into what's needed to get a film produced in Hollywood. It has a sharp opening sequence and about half way through you get to see Halle Berry's jugglies (which, by the way, are nothing to write home about). So the first few pages of the script are top notch, catches everyone's attention. It doesn't matter that the rest sucks because no one in Hollywood reads that far anyway. Plus, you let it be known far and wide that Halle Berry is going to be flashing her magumbos and you've got all the buzz you need. It doesn't matter that the plot is nonsensical and the special effects are hackneyed, the thing will sell itself. You got yerself a winnah!
Anyway. Top five reasons it's cool to be named Huge.
- It's easier to spell than Enormous or Elephantine.
- You've got a leg up on replacing the Big character on Sex in the City.
- You never tire of the comic look people give you when you say, "Hi, I'm Huge."
- Lots of free PR from Letterman 'cause it's just too easy.
- No need for a name change if you have to stoop to doing porn.
