Meet Me: I have two book signings scheduled in the near future, both in the area of Flint, MI. The first is on Saturday, February 28th from 2-4 PM at B. Dalton in the Courtland Mall in Burton, MI (map), the second is Saturday March 20th from 1-3PM, also at B. Dalton in the Genesee Valley Mall in Flint (map). Both stores either have, or will shortly have, Business As Usual in stock.

Stop by to get a signed copy. Or stop by to say Hi. Or stop by just to point at me and laugh. Whatever you do, stop by.

Noise Annoys: I hate politics. Really hate it. And that is going to make the next 10 months a living hell. For me, politics is like having a rusty sewing needle stuck in your eye. As such, I do not find anything funny about political humor. Having a rusty sewing needles stuck in your eye does not encourage lighthearted jocularity. Oh, I know that given enough time everything is a target for humor, even eyeballs pierced by rusty sewing needles, but the problem is the rusty sewing needle doesn't get removed. It doesn't even heal in place. It keeps getting twisted around every time some heavily coiffed talking head on CNN or Fox asks some weasely politician a question and the weasely politician responds with a weighty-sounding, carefully-rehearsed response that is so devoid of substance it borders on non-sequitor, which is in turn followed by a panel of interchangeable motor-mouths speculating on what it all means.

DIE IN A FIRE. TAKE THE GAS PIPE. I DON'T CARE.

I can isolate myself from this inanity for the most part, except when someone has turned the TV in the gym locker room to one of the 24 hours news stations or when I am with friends who don't share my distaste and covering my ears and screaming "lalalalalalala" would be rude. Not only that, this is the time when otherwise apolitical activities are suddenly imbued with editorialization.

You see, politics is really the only topic that is considered Serious. If you don't harbor strident and righteous political opinions, you are deemed shallow. Actors, musicians, scientists, doctors, professors, athletes, you name it -- whenever they feel as though the work they do is not Significant enough, they decide proselytizing about politics is the way to show they are Deep and Important. So they throw their celebrity and/or credentials behind some poorly thought out, small-minded political stances in an attempt to transcend the perceived superficiality of their lives.

Meanwhile, otherwise sane people (including many bloggers) go nuts and start accusing everyone of being a Nazi. Or claiming righteous victimhood because they were called a Nazi. Or calling people Nazis because they called you a Nazi. I am glad the youth of today will never equate Nazis with murderous villains who slaughtered millions, but with easy targets in First Person Shooters. Maybe there will come a time when Nazi isn't the most popular political description anymore.

I understand the unfortunate necessity of politics. What I despise is the way it is treated as the source and purpose of all life by many people. You know the type. They classify you personally by asking you if you are Republican or Democrat or Conservative or Liberal and then proceed to color every interaction with you by their political prejudices. (Living in Ann Arbor, I've known plenty such people. Hell, I've dated such people.)

Understand this: None of this does anything except add more noise to the world. There is no topic in our culture that gets more mileage with less substance than politics. Any substantial political question can be reduced to a debate about core assumptions in about ten minutes tops, so why do we have to go through all this? It's just noise. Stop talking about it. Do something else. Go for a walk. Wash your car. Cook some pasta. Anything else, for cryin' out loud. It will make the world a better place. And that's Important.

I have made a point of keeping a dam site politics free and will be extra vigilant in the upcoming months. Visit here to escape.

Before I Get Old: One thing about getting old. It's not so much that you can't learn new things; it's that you really don't want to anymore. You have a lifetime of pointless information in your head so learning a new skill means trying to free up some space in there to remember stuff, which means you probably have to take the opportunity to throw something out, which means you lose some of that hard-earned prowess in trivial pursuit and you risk accidentally disposing of something important, like the fact that underwear goes on the inside. It's fraught with difficulty.

Take, for example, a digital camera. Miss Kate and HRH Miss Anna bought me a Kodak digital camera and mini-printer for Christmas. An excellent gift. I think I could really enjoy photography once I figure out how to take more than just a snapshot, or maybe I could have some fun Photoshopping. In the past I would have just picked up the camera and started blasting away until I figured out how to do everything. (This was Anna's chosen method when she unceremoniously wrenched it from my hand to play with before I could even say thank you.) Now I find myself over-thinking it, trying to grasp the functionality like some senior citizen confronted with a new-fangled remote control.

Look: I know what offside is in hockey. I prepare and file my own taxes. I can tell you how to price stock options. Hell, I once learned the basics of Unix, for Pete's sake (that was the first thing to go once the noggin filled up). I can pretty much figure anything out.

That doofy guy struggling with a simple camera -- that's not me. That's me thirty or forty years from now when I've got my pants hiked up around my armpits.

I am not old. I WILL learn to use this camera and take reasonable photographs. And if it kills me, at least I'll leave a good looking corpse.

(Don't worry; I will not inflict my pictures on you. At least not yet.)

You've Got To Be A Football Hero: The Miami Herald is running a series of articles following a heavily recruited high-school football prospect, one Willie Williams, as he goes from college to college (FSU, Auburn, Miami) and gets the VIP treatment. It's obnoxious that some kid gets treated like a king for playing football while everyone else is filling financial aid forms, but this is worth the read -- believe me. This kid is like a young, naive Mike Tyson. Everything he says pegs the unintentional comedy meter.

He eats a lot at FSU:

"...defensive line coach Odell Haggins was there to greet him. "When he picked me up, he had a box of chicken wings for me," Williams said. "I was starving, but there was only like two wings. I told him 'Coach, we're still going to dinner right?'"

"Dinner was tight," Williams said. "We had our own section in the restaurant, but the only thing that bugged me was that I sat all the way in the back -- so I was the last one to get my food.

"Coach Haggins told us to order as much as we wanted. I ordered a steak and a lobster tail. The lobster tail was like $49.99. I couldn't believe something so little could cost so much. The steak didn't even have a price. The menu said something about market value. I was kind of embarrassed so I didn't order a lot.

"But then I saw what the other guys were ordering, I was like, 'Forget this.' I called the waiter back and told him to bring me four lobster tails, two steaks and a Shrimp Scampi. It was good. I took two boxes back with me to the hotel."

[snip]

After the tour, Williams said the players were treated to lunch at Doak Campbell Stadium. But it wasn't the type of meal the players had been treated to the night before. Just sandwiches.

[snip]

"I asked Coach Odell, 'Where we eating tonight?" Williams said. "He was like, 'The stadium' I thought he was playing. Then we ended up eating at the stadium again. I guess we spent all their money the night before."
What the recruits didn't know at the time was that they were in for a treat -- a trip to Bobby Bowden's home for his wife's homemade deserts.

"Coach Bowden was cool, but Ms. Bowden was the bomb," Williams said. "I swear, she must be related to Betty Crocker or something. When we walked into that house, it was like walking into a Publix Bakery -- banana pudding, chocolate cake, cheese cake. I had one of everything. I didn't want to leave."

The eatin' binge continues at Auburn:

Before heading out to dinner, the recruits waited for the Auburn coaches in the hotel lobby, where a spread of shrimp, cheeses, cold cuts and fruits awaited.

"They told me they heard about my trip to FSU and how I love to eat," Williams said. "They were like, 'Willie, Why don't you have a few snacks before we go to dinner.' So, I served myself like six little plates of everything."

Following the "snack," Williams and the recruits headed for a restaurant called Old Charlie's. After experiencing a long wait for his food on his trip to FSU, Williams made sure to sit at the front of the table near the waiter to order first.

"I really wanted to go to Red Lobster for some more lobster and steak, but they told me the wait was two hours. So I got me some babyback ribs, buffalo wings and shrimp," Williams said.

But even Williams has his limit. And he wasn't about fall for the trap those country bumpkins at Auburn laid for him:

During the wait, several of the female hosts, nicknamed the "Tigerettes", offered him some of their spinach dip.

"You know how it is, those girls are supposed to be there to cheer you up," Williams said. "But I told them, 'I ain't no animal, and I ain't going to eat no plant.'

"But they kept pushing it toward me. It was disgusting. I told them, 'I'm from Miami. I don't eat that. You farm people are used to it, but not me."

[snip]

Later that night, the recruits were invited to a party on campus with their hosts.

"The girls at the party were much better than the farmer girls we'd see all day around campus," Williams said. "I was kind of worried all Auburn had to offer was those farmer girls that talked funny. But the girls at the party weren't farmer girls at all. I thought they must have bused them in from Miami."

The farmer girls talked funny. Poor Willie must have been buggin'. Oh, the irony. Meanwhile at Miami, Willie is ven more impressed:

Williams was surprised when Coker picked him up.

"Coach [Coker] looks like an old guy in his 50s or 60s, but he's real cool," Williams said. "When he talks, he sounds like he's 18 or 20.

"And when I saw he was driving the Escalade, I was like, 'Dang, coach got some taste.'"

Yes, an Escalade is the height of style and grace. Coach also reads the papers:

Following the stadium, the recruits were bused to Monty's restaurant on Miami Beach.

"As soon as I got off that bus, it was like a cartoon," Williams said. 'The smell hit me right away. Coach was like, 'Willie, you've got an eating disorder.'"

After the recruits were greeted with nachos and crab claws, the main course quickly followed -- along with the arrival of UM players, including D.J. Williams and cornerback Antrel Rolle.

"Coach Coker must be related to Cleo or something," Williams said of the famed TV psychic. "The man knew what I wanted and had it already ordered. I didn't need a menu. I told him, 'Coach, how did you know what I like?'

"He was like, 'Willie, I've been reading up on you.'"

Then of course, they finally get to the real purpose of college: video games and girls.

Dinner was followed by a trip back to Rolle's apartment for a few hours of video games. Then it was off for a night out on South Beach.

"They took us to this place called 'The Bed.' Warren Sapp, Clinton Portis, Jevon Kearse and a whole bunch of really hot girls were all there."

Yep, this guy is definitely college material. You may be tempted to make fun of WIllie, but never forget: He ain't no animal. He ain't going to eat no plant.

I will be watching his career with interest. For the quotes.

LA Out: You can finally read about my LA trip. I hope it doesn't dissapoint. Also, I realized that the link to my previous travel article Babylon on the Make actually tok you to my first florida article of some years back. Stupid Dobby! Bad Dobby! IT's fixed now so you may want to check that one out too, since it may be new to you.

Copies in the Wild: Well, the good news is that Business As Usual is starting to appear in some stores. I know for a fact you can walk into the Community Newscenter in the Frandor Shopping Plaza in Lansing, MI and buy it off the shelves. There may be others. None of the big boys (Border's, Barnes & Noble, etc.) yet, but it's still early in the game. Of course, you can walk into just about any bookstore and order it.

The best way to purchase remains ordering it on-line. It's currently 30% off at Amazon and even cheaper at Buy.com.

If your are a blogger or anyone else interested in reviewing Business As Usual, please contact me about a review copy.

And, as always, you can visit the official website for info and the first eight chapters on-line -- no ads, no tricks.

Si Quaeris Weblogam Amoenam Circumspice: I've recently stumbled on a few excellent Michigan blogs that you should visit. First off, The Land of Anne. Blogmistress Anne is from Mt. Pleasant where she is a punk rocker and librarian. Presumably she spends her nights playing guitar in deafing clubs and her days telling people to be quiet. A confusing life. Srah is a fellow Ann Arborite, specifically a grad student at the School of Information specializing in Human-Computer Interaction. Presumably that means she has to spend a lot of time with angry people who smash keyboards. More coincidental is StarryEyes a blog by Karen Correll (it appears to be down at the moment), an author and journalist out in the Detroit 'burbs who recently published her first book, Saturday Nights at the God Café through the former publisher of Apple Pie (she has my sympathy).

I offer a virtual nod of kinship to all of them.

Things Not To Do: I'm sure I'm guilty of these, but hopefully not egregiously so. Ten Mistakes writers don’t see. Sound advice.

You're Making That Up: A fun way to waste...uh, I mean spend a few minutes is at The Museum of Hoaxes. I remember quite a few of these. Turns out that almost as soon as photography was invented, people started doctoring them as a scam.

Get Thee Moving: A follow up to the article I linked previously about why exercise may have no affect weight for most people, explaining why you should exercise anyway. Absolutely on target.

You Didn’t Hear It From Me: Notice how I didn’t mention my LA essay. That's right, I didn't.

Lame Excuses: My LA story is not done yet, so quit asking. It will be ready when it's ready. What are you, my editor or something?

I have been working on promotion of Business As Usual; trying to get some more reviewers lined up and hoping to get bookstores to stock it. (I hate marketing, so I'm a bit pissy these days.) And, of course, it's tax time – I generally get a big refund so sooner is better than later for me. Plus, I have a little thing we like to call a day job that pretty much wipes out a third of my life. And what with sleep and all, well, there's just not all that much time left. Plus, tonight is the season premiere of Monk.

For now, I present some links for your dining and dancing pleasure.

• More of the Worst Album Covers Ever. They speak for themselves.


• Wabbit season! James Bond has retired to Belgium and is in the habit of poaching bunnies.


• Drugs are bad, mkay? Drop acid and draw a middle aged man with glasses. Fun times.


• I have no interest in seeing the movie, Torque; I just want to point out that Roger Ebert knows how to write a movie review. Description and opinion, yes, but it's the context that makes the difference.


• File under W for Wicked Cool: Visual Thesaurus.


• You may remember my pointless and annoying trip to the Detroit Auto Show last year. Well, thankfully, "Car and Driver'' has relieved me of the need to do that this year (not that I would have). All the new and notable cars.

Say Hey: The latest on the kid who was suspended for saying "HEY!". He has a web site where he gives his account of the story. Check this out:

Dr. Santiago is the assistant principal at my school. I went to his office, and he talked to me about what I did. There was a North Richland Hills police officer in Dr. Santiago's office. I told Dr. Santiago I didn't mean to send the message to the entire school. He said it didn't matter that I didn't mean to send it to everyone.
[snip]
Dr. Santiago pulled out a book of crimes and punishments for the school, but they couldn't find anything like what I did. But he started listing off punishments I could get. He said, "Punishment by officer" and the officer was smiling and nodding his head while he pointed to himself.

Dr. Santiago is, simply put, a dickhead. The kid's Mom is brought into the foray:

When I went to the school, I tried to explain that NET SEND wasn't a big deal. Mr. Rollins told me that I had to respect his position. He knew Carl was a good kid, and if it weren't for that he would have taken Carl out and put him in an alternative school.... which is a school for kids that get caught with drugs and are real criminals.
[snip]
I tried to explain to him that there was a simple way to keep NET SEND from working on his network if he didn't want it to be used, but he had no interest in that. Later I called the school and asked if I could get a job as a network administrator. I told them that they must need someone who actually knew what they were doing. They didn't seem interested in interviewing me, though. I don't know why.

At least they have a sense of humor about it. Judging from the business site of the kid's parents, they are a bit on the gothy side. (It's odd for goth-types to have a sense of humor, though.) Goths are characterized by an abysmal sense of style, a generally sour and mopey disposition, and, since Columbine, a penchant for firearms and mass murder – at least in the eyes of the shallow and ignorant, which aptly describes the administrators of Richland Middle School.

I have a vision of these wanky, cowering school admins assuring themselves that they probably just stopped another Columbine because, Lord knows, the only thing that can stop a goth from going psycho is petty persecution.

Merely Human: We've long passed the point in sports where any top level competition that requires purely physical action (as opposed to learned skills) will be won by someone who is genetically predisposed to do well. Lance Armstrong's lungs can process oxygen more than twice as efficiently as the average human; An NFL lineman must be 300 plus pounds and run a sub 5 second forty yard dash; And basketball players, well, you can't learn height. Now there's the ultimate ultra-marthoner with the perfectly neutral stride who wants to run untold hundreds of miles. Freaks, I tell you; the lot of 'em. My only hope is technology (we can rebuild him -- faster, stronger, better).

Cannot Duplicate: There will come a time in the not too distant future when I can photocopy myself, have my copy get to everything I don’t have time for, then simply re-integrate all the experiences of the copy into myself and recycle the copy for the precious bodily fluids. However, barring some pretty amazing scientific breakthroughs along those lines, it will probably be another week until I get my LA essay done. Until then, here are some goodies.

Zero Intelligence: You may be aware of the latest "zero tolerance" situation involving the high school kid who, upon discovering an antiquated command line program for sending instant messages across his school's computer network, sent the one word message "Hey!" to about eighty people. Since the so-called adults at the school didn’t understand how he did it, he was promptly suspended for three days amidst dire warnings about the seriousness of his transgression.

At first, Principal Tommy Rollins didn't think much of it. "I saw it," he said. "It didn't say who it came from. I just deleted it."

Beverly Sweeney, a computer teacher and campus computer liaison with the district, entered Carl's computer class and quickly figured out where the message originated and who sent it.

According to Carl, Sweeney asked him, "Did you do this?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Do you know that this is serious?" she asked him, according to Carl.

"No," he replied.

Then she asked how he did it, and he showed her.

There's a hacker mastermind at work.

This kind of idiocy goes on regularly now, and there have been a lot worse cases of zero tolerance including expulsions and lawsuits. But the big difference is that in most cases, when confronted with how incredibly stupid their actions are, the school administrators rarely try to justify them, they simply shrug and say it's all a matter of policy and there's nothing they can do. Not in this case. The "teacher" involved here, Beverly Sweeney, actually believes the action was justified and explains thusly:

Having been a computer teacher in the real world of public education for many years, let me say that suspension of students who are guilty of such tampering sends a message to all students that is beneficial and necessary.

Students should not be of the opinion that it is acceptable to abuse the privileges that are afforded them by the taxpayers. If they are allowed to experiment and do things on the computers that the teachers have not specifically given them permission to do, we would never get any computer education accomplished.

I'm pretty sure this woman is a big admirer of Dean Wormer.

If this woman has so little understanding and perspective that she cannot see how harmless and clever the student was being, I seriously doubt anything resembling computer education is actually going on at that school. The fact of the matter is that as long as she is in charge the taxpayers will probably get more for their money if the kids do just experiment at will.

Looking deeper, we get a fair understanding of why. This is Beverly Sweeney's web site. If she is instructing unsuspecting high-schoolers in making sites such as that, she should be hung. And I think we an all agree that her taste in music brings her mental health into question.

Note her educational background: "BA in Sociology, a BA in Anthropology and an MA in Sociology." She also has a teaching certificate and claims she has "certification" in some computer fields like "digital graphics" and "multimedia." I have no idea what it means to be certified in "multimedia," but it appears her only expertise with actual computers involves learning some Microsoft applications like Power Point and Front Page. No wonder she was so threatened by a student who knew all sorts of "hacker" tricks, like using the command line. Lucky she didn’t call Homeland Security.

Judging from the little animation on her site, Sweeney has some hostility issues. She obviously works them out by bludgeoning her students with her ignorance.

Nano-Nano: The top ten nanotech products of the year, from Forbes.com. Wrinkle slaying clothes and wicked cool shades. Two of my lifestyle necessities.

Lose Weight by Sitting Still: An excellent article on why exercise is not the thing to do to lose weight. In many (most?) circumstances, it just doesn't matter. Just sit still and don’t eat so much. Exercise is for the sake of health and longevity. If you exercise to lose weight, you will probably fail and get discouraged and then not get the health benefits.

Flight Attendant Stand Up: This came to me via The legendary KK who received it via email, with the comment that it is a "true story". We both doubt it's a true story but it's a hoot nonetheless.

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend on Air Alaska, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"  (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.)  So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget.  I've left out a few parts, I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff...  "Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco.

If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place.  If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants.  Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end.  If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet.  That would be a really bad idea.  Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit.  In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did.  We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now.  The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise.  If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite.  Help that one-first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane.  I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer.  It makes a very good fan.  It also has pretty pictures.  Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist.  To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle.  To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight.  There is also no smoking in the lavatories.  If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out.  This is a free service we provide.
>
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment, we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast.  If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button.  The yellow button turns on your reading light.  Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to.  The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight.  Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money.  If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"

After landing... " Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing.  It's not the captain's fault.  It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.  So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens."

Between Meal Snack: I have to get my Los Angeles essay done, and then I'm thinking about an article on how to fix the airlines, or how not to. In the mean time here're some time passers.

• Two more folks responded to my plea for Business as Usual reviews on bookstore sites (Why don't you?); this time at Barnes & Noble. And I don’t know how Apple Pie got selected under Religion & Spirituality at this site, but I'll take it.


• Great and insightful lecture from Michael Crichton (author of Jurassic Park, et. al.) on the casual misunderstanding and outright abuse of science and the scientific process. I'm glad he was brave enough to point out what a snake-oil salesman Carl Sagan was.


• Speaking of misinterpreted science: Mad Cow Disease is primed to be the new SARS. Before you turn vegan, try to keep it in perspective. More.


• Ads you will not see in the US. We had some fun with the Rube Goldberg-like Honda ad earlier in the year, but frankly, I'm happy to miss some of these. To wit the one with "an overweight, useless parent who uses a sausage and a beer glass to illustrate the facts of life."


• "Welcome to Die screaming with sharp things in your head, our collection of impaled garden gnomes." Words fail me.


• Some good surfing courtesy of Yahoo. And you can now do a blog search courtesy of Blogarama.


• After seeing this I have decided my next book will be titled An Idiot's Guide to For Dummies books.

Welcome Back Me: I have spent pretty much of the last week in not-so-sunny, pretty-damn-chilly, Southern California -- specifically, El Lay. High temperatures all week hovered around 58. High temperature when I got back to Ann Arbor today: 58. A full accounting of my trip will be forthcoming, but let me just say that the Rose Bowl, while quite a spectacle, was a bloody disaster for the Wolverines.

I can only assume that the offensive line adopted the strategy of the Radiers in last year's Super Bowl, considering Navarre was too busy hitting the turf to hit his receivers. And Suzy Kolber demonstrated a better pass defense when she was opposing Joe Namath. Ah well -- it was all very traditional: The historically most frequent Big 10 champ loses to the historically most frequent Pac 10 champ. All we needed was Bo Schembechler and some throwback jerseys to take us right back to 1980.

More importantly, I have clearly done something to offend the travel gods. I don’t think I have ever experienced more delays, cancellations, and general frustrations than during my journeys there and back. I think I wrote nearly a thousand words solely on the first leg from Grand Rapids, MI to Milwaukee, WI.

But like I said, that and more will be coming soon. For now, jet lag is my steadfast companion. Once I lose him, you’ll see me again.