Thursday, December 05, 2002

Football Results - Week 13: 9-6, not too shabby, but I'll count it as a big victory after last weeks disaster. Just for the sheer, unadulterated pleasure of seeing how totally stupid I can be. I've decided to publish this week's results in context with what I initially wrote about the games. I have to ask, is there no humiliation I would not suffer for my readers.
  • New England -6 at Detroit Pick: Evil Minions cover. A Winnah! Minions win 20-12 Normally I would pick the Lions, just because it's time for them to unexpectedly win another game. But they couldn't win unexpectedly because that's just what I would be expecting. On the other hand, since Marty and the Lions seem to be determined to give games away, any demonic curses the Minions cast to upset the Lions plans could end up making the Lions win. You see, it's all very complicated. Of course. Did you notice the play where the ball ricocheted off a lineman's helmet and into the arms of the Patriots. Tell me that was not the work of Satan.

  • Washington -pick 'em- at Dallas Cowboys win. A Winnah! Cowboys win 27-20 On a hunch. The Cowboys beat the Jags last week when there was no earthly reason for them to do so. I'm thinking there is something going on there that I don't see, plus they will be pumped to salvage their season with a victory over the hated Potatoes. I was going to make some kind of vapid allusion to Mashed Potatoes and Thanksgiving, but I can't force myself to do it. Again, I was right (I love saying that). There is something going on with the Cowboys they are playing well, with a lot of desire. I have no idea why.

  • Miami -2.5 at Buffalo Pick: Dolphins cover. Wrong! Bills win 38-21 The Bills are back-sliding and I'm back on the Fins bandwagon. Actually, I meant to write that I was under the Fins bandwagon. I have the treadmarks on my back to prove it. Said bandwagon was carrying was weighted down with the Dolphins defense since they had some much time what with not bothering to play and all.

  • Chicago +9.5 at Green Bay Pick: Cheeseheads cover. A Winnah! Cheese wins 30-20 It's interesting to see how Green Bay has dealt with the whole Sapp thing. Outrage and righteous declarations of vengeance. I think the Cheese coaching staff is trying to create a crisis atmosphere to pull the team out of it's funk. At home against the pathetic Bears, it should work. Just barely. This should have been a cheesewalk for the Cake - er...a cakewalk for the Cheese. I officially declare the Cheese to be Swiss. (Full of holes for those who missed the allusion.)

  • Baltimore -2.5 at Cincinnati Pick: Ravens cover. A Winnah! Ravens win 27-23 With a strong defense, I'm counting on the Ravens to restore my faith in science. Again, just barely. The Bengals led by 9 in the 4th and blew it, which validates all scientific theories and conjectures.

  • Carolina +7.5 at Cleveland Pick: Browns cover. Wrong! Panthers win 13-6 The problem I have with a spread like this is that it's really easy for the lesser team to sneak in a last minute score, when the leading team stupidly goes into a prevent defense. Because of this, I actually typed 'Panthers beat the spread'; then I remembered how the Browns are fighting to get in the playoffs and how truly bad the Panthers are. Obviously, not bad enough. They didn't even have to sneak in a score at the end of the game. They led the whole way. The lesson here is to be as general as possible when predicting outcomes. But that only applies to people who want to maintain a modicum of dignity.

  • Pittsburgh -3 at Jacksonville Pick: Steelers cover. Wrong! Steelers win 25-23 The Steelers still have something to prove now that their first stringers - Stewart and Bettis - are back. Beating the Bengals last week doesn't count. Meanwhile, judging from last week's folly, the Jags may have packed it in for the season. What I said above about the lesser team sneaking in. It applies here. I must have meant to write that here. Maybe it was a bug in my text editor. Yeah, that must've been it.

  • Arizona +10 at Kansas City Pick:Cardinals beat the spread. Wrong! Chiefs win 237-0 The Chiefs have such an atrocious defense anything can happen, so I'll go with the Cards and a 10 point head start. The spread wouldn't have mattered, and the Chiefs defense was flawless. I could not have been more wrong.

  • Atlanta -3.5 at Minnesota Pick:Falcons cover. A Winnah! Falcons win 30-24 The Vikings just plain stink. The Falcons should have romped, instead they got dragged kicking and screaming into overtime. Perhaps they were distracted by the stinky odor. Apparently Rhymes with Sick was wearing nose plugs and was able to save the game.

  • Tennessee +3 at New York Giants Pick: Titans beat the spread. A Winnah! Titans win 32-29 I'm fairly surprised the Giants are favored after their dismal display last week. Another OT contest. Schroedinger's Cat is now permanently dead. Any victory from this point on qualifies as a dead cat bounce.

  • Denver -3 at San Diego Pick: Chargers beat the spread. A Winnah! Chargers win 30-27 Another possible outcome is that the Broncos demolish the Chargers. The point being: I have no clue. But other things equal, I'll go with the home team and the 3 point spot. One man's cluelessness is another man's Zen wisdom.

  • Houston +11.5 at Indianapolis Pick: Texans beat the spread. Wrong! Colts win 19-3The Colts should cruise, but no way can I pass up 11.5 points. Two spreads in the double digits this week. Both covered. So much for that theory.

  • St. Louis -2.5 at Philadelphia Pick: Eagles beat the spread. A Winnah! Eagles win 10-3 I'm truly surprised the Rams are favored. The Eagles are at home and don't seem to have lost a step without McNabb. Marshall Faulk is still questionable. Nailed this one cold. The real human interest story here is Kurt Warner. Talk about a crash from the heights. One of the most revered quarterbacks in the league, he has now lost seven straight games going back to last year's Super Bowl. Meanwhile, his understudy is undefeated with the same team. Next week we get the third stringer. Imagine the horror for Warner if he wins. On the other hand, if Warner has enough fortitude and grit to survive this and come back strong, there will be no stopping him.

  • Seattle +9.5 at San Francisco Pick: Seahawks beat the spread. A Winnah! 49ers win 31-24 The 49ers looked a bit confused last week and the Seahawks proved they could score a lot of points. And that spread is nice and fat. Spot on correct again. The 49ers should actually be a lot better than they are. (How's that for self-contradiction in the span of a single sentence?) Good chance they will be on top by next year.

  • Tampa Bay -1 at New Orleans Pick: Buccaneers cover. Wrong! Saints win 23-20 One lousy point. Should be a gimme. Turned into a tookme. Obviously the Saints have the Bucs number, considering they got the best of the league's number one defense for the second time this season, despite a gimpy running back and losing their QB. No explanation.

  • New York Jets +6.5 at Oakland Pick Jets beat the spread. A Winnah! Seniors win 26-20 Seniors are a better team, but not by that much. I've stopped disbelieving in the Jets. The outcome was about right. Seniors win but don't cover. The Seniors are a remarkable team to watch. They carve up opposing defenses like a hot knife through a goose. Um, yeah, that would work if the goose in question was some sort of fancy serving of butter that was carved into the shape of a goose at some pretentious restaurant. So that's what I meant.