Not So Clear: If you like irony (doesn't everybody?) you'll get a kick out of this Washington Post article on radio behemoth Clear Channel. If you don't know, Clear Channel is the outfit that owns well over a thousand radio stations nationwide and has them all reduced to formulaic formats that often have as few as 20 songs in rotation at any time. In this article they brag that every decision they make is given the thumbs up or thumbs down based on whether they will increase market share and profits.

As regional vice president of Clear Channel's eight big Washington area stations (and 18 smaller stations arrayed from Ocean City to Frederick to Winchester, Va.), Zier has little room for experimentation or "WKRP"-like wackiness. "Every issue we discuss, every decision we make," he says in his Rockville office, "comes down to a simple test: Will it increase ratings or revenue? If it doesn't, let's move on."

The results of these decisions have effectively eviscerated any creativity or originality. Every station sounds like the next. All playlists and formats sound the same. No chances are taken, you get prepackaged blandness instead of anything interesting or stimulating. Now, I am absolutely in favor in companies making profits and making decisions that will make them more profitable. So is Clear Channel and they rightly don't deny that's what they are about. But then we have this:

The company lost money every quarter last year, piling up an annual loss of $1.1 billion. Clear Channel also is shouldering $8 billion in debt -- the legacy of its deal-a-minute expansion spree. With a long advertising slump afoot, the company's stock is selling at about half its peak price of two years ago.

The other day, Clear Channel reported that it lost $16.9 billion during the first three months of 2002, mostly as a result of writing off devalued assets.

and this:

Clear Channel's most popular station in the most recent Arbitron rankings, WASH-FM, rose no higher than sixth among listeners ages 25 to 54, the most coveted group among radio advertisers. And not all of Zier's recent moves have paid off. When he converted the faltering "Jam'n Oldies" '70s station to Top-40 Hot 99.5 early last year, the station's revenue fell to $11.3 million in 2001 from $17 million the year before, BIAfn says.

You really have to wonder whether instead of asking themselves if an idea will be profitable, they should ask themselves if they have even the smallest clue what constitutes a profitable idea.

This reminds me of the auto industry in the late 70s and early 80s when they were so sure they knew their customers and knew exactly what to produce to maximize their profit and the Japanese ate their lunch. It wasn't that they were blindly pursuing profit, it was that they thought they knew how to blindly pursue profit when if fact they didn't.

Poetry: The truth about...

Cats

I awake. Darkness.
No movement.

Create movement. Assail
The large pink creature.

I am flung. The wall is
Hard.

I groom myself
With dignity.
That will show him.

Now
The arm of the chair
Will suffer.


Dogs

I awake. Darkness.
No movement.

Oh how I must pee. Alas
I cannot wake the pink God.

Distraction: Smell my own butt.
No! It's no good! I must pee!
I must pee!

I have peed.
Oh shame. Oh disgrace. I
Belong in a corner.

But I am still a Good Dog.
Aren't I?

You've Been Framed: The Klez virus - you may have heard of it - is officially the worst virus ever, at least in terms of the breadth of infection. According to this CNN story, it now infects one in every 300 emails. It is particularly insidious because it can make your friends think you're infected when you're not. Let's say you're adam@aaa.com. In your address book is barry@bbb.com and charlie@ccc.com. Where as previous viruses would attack your machine and send mail from you (adam@aaa.com) to everyone in your address book, Klez will send infections and use names from your address book in both the "to" and the "from." So it might send an infected message from your machine to barry@bbb.com from charlie@ccc.com. You then discover Barry and Charlie are not speaking because of something to do with email, and no one has any idea it's your fault for getting yourself infected.

The mind reels at the scandalous emails you could send and, when confronted, blame it on the Klez virus.

But that would be wrong.

As always the thing to do keep your virus definition up to date and NEVER OPEN AN EMAIL ATTACHMENT if you aren't sure what it is.

Happy Happy Joy Joy: I wore sandals and shorts today. And I slept in. And I sat outside at Conor O'Neils on Main Street and wrote. It's Summer in Ann Arbor. The Top of the Park schedule has been announced - lots of bands I never heard of (big on "Americana" which is the hot sound), and regulars like Al Hill and Five Guys Named Moe and George Bedard. Maybe I'll get down there more than once this year. Plus, you'll be shocked - shocked! - to hear there are actually two movies I want to see. The Importance of Being Earnest and About a Boy. I leave it to you to figure out why.

The Birth of the Brave New World: The New Yorker has unearthed this amazing article, written in 1936, about an early TV demonstration. The article was written by E.B. White (who wrote Charlotte's Web) and his dry skepticism is a delightful to read.

We sat in a darkened room squarely in front of a receiving set and, as we understand the matter, the persons and objects which we saw were down on the third floor of the same building, where they were first photographed televisually by an iconoscope, thence sent by direct wire to the Empire State Building, and then came back on a megacycle to the sixty-second floor of R.C.A. The magical unlikelihood of this occasion was not lessened any by the fact that a stranger wearing a telephone around his neck was crawling about on all fours in the darkness at our feet. This didn't make television seem any too practical for the living room of one's own home, although of course homes are changing.

If only current day techno-pundits could write so well. And get this:

Try and appreciate our situation: we were in a dark room looking into a television set at a television set which was showing a picture of a moving picture.

Somebody should have shown them the Sopranos.

My Thoughts Exactly: Tom Mabe has a lot of fun with telemarketers. If it wasn't for caller ID I'd be tempted to try this stuff myself. Listen to: Stupid-ass Telemarketer or Blood on the Carpet. I bet the CDs are a riot. Found this stuff via Sheri~SHOT.

Saved by Zero: Good tunes: Zero7 - Simple Things, groovy-funky-mellow-chill-out-while-you're-updating-your-weblog music.

Just Plain Zero: YOU WILL FEAR THIS CD!

I Am Not The Keymaster: Why do we still have a Caps Lock key? It has never been anything but an annoyance since I was in Junior High and used it for a few seconds to type the title of a paper. Just now I spent about fifteen minutes trying to figure why my ISP password was getting rejected, carefully verifying it one keystroke at a time (your password doesn't actually appear on the screen, just dots as placeholders). At first I thought my ISP must have screwed something up, until I tried from another PC. Nope, worked on that one. So I decided to sack it, call the ISP in the morning to sort it out, and opened Word - when I started typing I realized what was going on. Passwords are case sensitive and I had hit Caps Lock somewhere along the way.

Look, computer vendors (I know you're reading), if you're going to include a stupid Caps Lock key on every machine, at least make it flash and glow in the dark and possibly make that beeping noise that trucks make when they back up. Geez.

I've Heard That Song Before: Hannah and Her Sisters has been playing on TCM as I've been writing this. One of my favs - I've seen it a few times. It's Funny Woody in New York. Kind of a grown up Annie Hall. Ebert gets is right. (Just so you know, Sex and the City's New York can't come close to Woody's.) The use of music in the soundtrack is absolutely perfect. It was scored by the great pianist Dick Hyman, as are many of his films. Each sequence, and occasionally each individual scene, is triggered by a song to set the mood - done absolutely perfectly. In its own way, the New York portrayed in this film is as elegant and erudite as the New York of the '30s.

Don't Fight the Future: A fine article in Business 2.0 about eight technologies that will change the world. I am absolutely convinced if I can survive the next 20 years in reasonable condition I shall live forever. Although I may be mostly bionic, which means I could run really fast in slow motion - cue music: do do do doooo - do do do do do do do do doooo. Of course, living forever just means I get to procrastinate guilt free.

tHAT REMINDS ME...DOH!

That reminds me. I should do a nanotechnology roundup for ya.

How Can You Not Look?: I have scrupulously avoided all reality shows, all the so-called extreme game shows, and especially celebrity boxing. I have erred. I should be watching all of it, and documenting it for the sake of comedy, like this:

Darva cruises to a unanimous decision, as Rose sums things up by saying, "Just too much Darva Conger, really." Meanwhile, poor Olga has an "I know I lost, but I still get my $30,000 right?" look on her face. This is just horrible.

OK, so, what's the next piece of trash coming around? I won't miss it.

Weekly Reader: I'm thinking of altering my site updates to once a week. This doesn't mean I'll be posting less material, just less often. The main reason for this is that it will allow me to focus my time better. Rather than come home and only be able to devote a few minutes to everything, I'll be able to focus more extended periods to specific tasks. For example, as it stands, I typically come home, try to do some chores, gather some site material, and write fiction. If it's a workout day, you got throw that in too. So in the interest of more useful time management, I'm thinking of cutting down the frequency of tasks and upping the time devoted to each on any given evening. (I know the assorted minutiae of my life must be fascinating.)

Another advantage to the plan is that it would allow me to post with regularity. As it stands I post every two or three days, with no exact pattern. It's possible that if I were to post, say, every Sunday night without fail, I might be able to build some habitual Monday morning readership - rather than having folks check in randomly and only maybe getting an update. I don't know. I haven't made a final decision yet, so if you have strong feelings please speak up.

You Can't Get There From Here: There are four levels of summer road construction in Michigan: bad, really bad, absolutely bloody impossible, and never mind I'll just walk. Dexter, pop. ~5000, has just reached the absolutely bloody impossible level. At one nearby intersection they have closed the entrances to the freeway and redirected everyone about a mile or two in the opposite direction to a different entrance. Unfortunately, for a couple of days, there was a different construction project going on the freeway itself. As a result, people suffered long delays before being detoured off in the opposite direction to a freeway entrance that was effectively a parking lot.

Clever me, I use the back roads to avoid the freeway, ever since a fifteen minute highway trip began to take three-quarters of an hour. Of course, today I discover that a stretch of back road, which was closed last year to be fixed (but only ended up more mangled), was closed again and traffic was redirected right into the backed up overflow traffic from the above mentioned freeway detour.

Good grief.

The scary part is that although they really don't do a terribly good jobs of traffic management, they do an excellent job of long-range forecasting. For instance, around here we all know that the current construction is going to take "several months" to complete. When they are done, after a brief respite to allow everyone to drive unimpeded on the icy winter roads, the current detour is up for repair and the current construction area becomes the new detour.

It shall be 2004 before I can get anywhere.

If You Can't Take a Joke: Certainly, Fawlty Towers was the most purely funny shows ever. It existed for exactly thirteen gut-busting episodes, and John Cleese has wisely never attempted to resurrect or modify it. It stands as is for all eternity, like a perfect thirteen stanza poem. The series was based on a hotel Cleese (and the rest of the Pythons) stayed at that had a "wonderfully rude" manager. Now, after all these years, the wife of the wonderfully rude manager has decided to take issue with the portrayal of her husband and herself in the series. Here's a clue: Taking offense at being lampooned is not the best way to show that you were not ill-natured to begin with. Especially when it turns out the lampoon is correct.

One word - Bioinformatics: I've often found so-called hot jobs listings humorous. Usually they amount to a cursory listing of high-tech type positions with a couple of low-tech industries thrown in because everyone else will be going into high-tech. This listing from Smart Money, however, is quite interesting. They give you areas of specialization, so rather than computer programmer, you get Data Miner; rather than Lawyer, you get Intellectual-Property Attorney. Basically they looked at trends in industries and extrapolated. Ah, if only I could start over...

Junk Drawer: These links have been sitting in my junk drawer for a while.

• Beware: the 100 Greatest Games On-Line. Do not be tempted. You have more important things to do. Well...maybe just one...


• Cat fight! Another police officer said Cocoa was "a Siamese cat with an attitude problem."


• What you have here is an instant classic.


• Read. Jump to page 1. Laugh. Repeat.


• Here's hoping Peter stays on his "little corner" of the web.


• From the I-didn't-really-want-to-know file: food, theoretically.


• A primer for Arctic life.


• It turns out Leonardo Da Vinci was a weirdo.

The Latest on Everything: If I was really really really smart, like Stephen Wolfram, the guy in this article, I might be able to understand whether this is something significant or not. He claims to have discovered a sort of theory of everything, a concept that is going to completely overhaul our understanding of existence. That's nice, but so does every street person and conspiracy theorist I have ever met. Difference is that Wolfram is a certified super-genius - Ph.D. in Physics while in his teens, creator of incomprehensible software, Mathematica, that solves the sort of horrendous equations that caused me not pursue an engineering degree. (That, and it interfered with my video game habits.)

I suppose when this work is released in full, there will all sorts of real-smart and poseur-smart people who will weigh in on it. Perhaps they'll have some sort of conference for people with smart credentials - you know, folks with a strange fashion sense, odd behavioral ticks, and lots of letters after their names. My guess is that won't make it much clearer to mere mortals.

And when all is said on done, they still won't understand their tax returns.

Mom, You're Not Helping: You know those movies where the elegant and erudite art thief uses all sorts of clever devices and scams to get past the supposedly impenetrable security to steal the painting and bring it back to his chalet to enjoy privately over a fine glass of Chateau LaTour? Well that's not what went on here. Apparently a certain French fellow (age 51, but still lives with his mother - hmmmm) has for the past 5 or 6 years been in the habit of stealing patinings from smaller art museums around Europe - primarily France and Switzerland. According to a radio interview I heard the other day, his modus operandi was to enter the museums with his girlfriend, have her stand look-out, cut the paintings out of their frames with an exacto knife, then walk out with the painting in his coat. He often picked up little pieces of silver and sculpture that would fit in his pockets also. Presumably, the security at these museums consisted of Pepe, the overfed, wine-besotted, retired constable, whom the police had trouble waking during their investigation. Quel Dommage!

Remarkably, he got caught for a smaller infraction and was only linked to all the robberies when his Mom panicked and destroyed all the paintings he had stolen over the years so there would be no evidence.

How can I presume to write comedy when stuff like this goes on?

Sickness and Health: I am in the grips of a horrendous disease: a decidedly uncommon cold. I feel betrayed. I take vitamins, I stay in shape, I do all the stuff that is supposed to make me healthy, wealthy and wise, and yet...excuse me while I hack up a lung. In any event, give me a day or so to recover and get some fresh material.

Maybe Later: Movies I have not seen: Lord of the Rings, Spiderman, Attack of the Clones. Actually, the only movie I have seen this year is Harry Potter, just because I was stuck in a hotel with little else to do - it wasn't bad despite the rather uninspiring ending. I suspect I'll see them all at some time or another in the upcoming years, either on HBO or TNT or AMC, depending on how many years I wait. Somehow, I think Roger Ebert's review of Attack of the Clones is probably more entertaining than the film itself:

Too much of the rest of the film is given over to a romance between Padme and Anakin in which they're incapable of uttering anything other than the most basic and weary romantic cliches, while regarding each other as if love was something to be endured rather than cherished. There is not a romantic word they exchange that has not long since been reduced to cliche.

No, wait: Anakin tells Padme at one point: "I don't like the sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating--not like you. You're soft and smooth." I hadn't heard that before.

Guffaw. Follow up here and here, where his partner disagrees in one of the geekiest exchanges I have ever read:

Ebert: You like the fact that Yoda turns into an action figure now with his light saber?

Roeper: I think that that is a scene [with Yoda] that "Star Wars" fans are going to absolutely love, I loved it.

Ebert: It's totally out of character for him.

Roeper: It's not totally out of character for him! That's part of his skills. He's not just this brilliant philosopher, he's also a Jedi warrior!

Ebert: Listen, if you're Yoda and you have the Force. ...

Roeper: He's a Jedi master.

Ebert: ...If you encompass the Force, you don't need no lightsaber!

Roeper: You do when you're going up against another Jedi dude who's also got super-duper mind powers!

I can just picture them having that argument over a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

Drugs Please: I'm fighting what I suspect is a losing war against a vicious cold. At this point, it's just making me feel lethargic; I'm sure the worst is yet to come. I am convinced that the proper way to deal with a cold is with sleep and drugs. It's generally best to balance the two, but since I feel guilty if I sleep too much too often, I have to balance it out with extra drugs. It's only fair to mention I do operate machinery while on drugs (computers mostly). That may become more evident as you read on. Or, at least, that'll be my excuse.

Headgear As A Metaphor: A very insightful essay from David Brooks outlining some of the differences between childhood today and childhood in times past.

This sort of childhood is different from the childhoods Americans have traditionally had. It's not an independent childhood, like Huck Finn's or the Bowery Boys'. Today's middle-class kids, by and large, don't live apart from adult society...

Excellent observation. And many good points about the primacy of self-improvement.

Aside: Ironically, or perhaps not, the notion of having adult expectations of children, while extending youthful pursuits well into middle-age is an underlying theme to my third novel, Misspent Youth. (Don't hold your breath.)

RIP X-Files: I know there's a big two-hour series finale next week, but I lost interest in the X-Files a couple years back; not surprisingly coinciding with The Sopranos (new season starts 9/15) appearing in the same time slot, the loss of David Duchovny's wry understated delivery, and most of all, the complete abandonment of humor or irony. The previews for last Sunday's show looked promising what with a Brady Bunch theme to it, so I watched it along with The Legendary KK. We agreed that it was cute, but a bit cheesy and trivial.

It made me think back to what were my favorite episodes from the past and I did a little research. It turns out my favorites (in order) were:

1. Jose Chung's From Outer Space - that was the one with Charles Nelson Reilly


2. Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose - that was the one with Peter Boyle as the guy who could see the future, won an Emmy if I recall.


3. War of the Coprophages - that was the one with the cockroaches taking over and an entomologist named Bambi

Anyway, it seems they were all written by the same man, a fellow named Darrin Morgan. The guy must be one of the most talented screenwriters alive. The Jose Chung episode is one phenomenal piece of drama of any type. If anyone knows what show Darrin Morgan is writing for today, please let me know.

Fat Is Phat: Anyone who's paid attention to health issues since, oh, forever, knows that what's bad for you this year will be good for you next year. I consider myself to be very healthy and not just for my age (apart from the aforementioned vicious cold) - I have never smoked, I am only addicted to caffeine, I workout like a demon - my only vice is that I eat WAY too much junk food. The thing is, I've been around long enough to see that what everyone snootily declares as unhealthy now, may be what we should have been eating all along. At one point, the key to long life was a carb-heavy, low-fat diet. Now, there's a cadre of folks who believe you should count carbs, not calories. Steak was once a killer, but according to this, things seem to be changing again. Until they come up with a study to show Taco Bell is the key to longevity, I will continue to file the Grand Philosophies of Diet under "W" for Whatever.

Miscellaneous Madness: Places to go on a lost weekend:

• Whatever this is, I hope it includes a more accurate calendar. [[edit 5/13]] It was a "big event coming soon" page with a date of March 13th when they meant May 13th. Turns out is was just a big sale at Yahoo Shopping. Waste of time. Idiots.


• McSweeney's is a wonderful place, full of odd humor. For example, check out these lists. See what I mean? Odd.


• You know you're a Russian redneck if you have a Space Shuttle up on blocks in your driveway.


• Note to all talking heads: please review this list of logical fallacies before speaking from now on.


• I better be careful when I buy my new Camry.


• Piracy worthy of Han Solo.


• Baseball minus the between pitch package adjustments.

Uh, Thanks For The Info: Trolling around on some web design sites I happened to spot a link to this review on Amazon.com:

My friend is named Dan and he really likes this book. He first showed it to me outside during recess. We are both only 13 . If I had to chose over either this Ed Ruscha book or a Sega dream cast, playstation 2, alot of chocolate, a gun that looked real but wasn't, but felt real cause it was so heavy, I would choose the gun, probably because I couldn't get a gun now( I am not 21) and because none of my friends have ever seen a gun, it would be cool. But I still would like to flip through this book, but I don't know if I'd buy it, especially with my own money.

Alrighty then.

The Ugly European: Mark Steyn goes over-the-top in dissing pretty much all of Europe, but this line caught my eye:

You’re six times more likely to be mugged in London than in New York. The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea has a worse crime rate than Harlem.

Does anyone know if that is true? If so, it's quite a change from the last, oh, fifty years.

Life Imitates 70s TV Shows: The Bionic Man was cool, cuz he made that oscillating sound when he ran sixty miles per hour in slow motion. Of course, these aren't the Wonder Years anymore, so we get Bionics for real. Eyesight to the blind. Amazing stuff. I'm counting on being mostly machine by the time I'm in my 130s.

Cheap Rags: Best Deals Magazines is a real find for magazine subscriptions. You can either get new subscriptions or renew existing ones dirt cheap. There's a whole section of good stuff for $3.95, which is pretty close to free. These are big name magazines, too. I'm getting Men's Journal, Conde Nast Traveler and Business 2.0 for $3.95 each. Lots more available. Check it out. You friends and family don't have to know you only spent $3.95 for their gift.. (Note: I have actually done this both for new subscriptions and renewals. It is not a scam, from my experience.)

Cinco de Mayo: Actually it was yesterday, but that doesn't mean I can't direct you to some cool tequila sites. A general tequila FYI might be what you're looking for, but I recommend you read Tequila for Grown-ups, for the scoop on what's hot and what's not. POf course, it puts me in mind a great article I once read about the perfect Margarita.

Not Sublime, Just Ridiculous: WWW stands for Wild, Weird and Wacky. Here's my proof:

• This one cracked me up. A couple not only robs a Starbucks, but works the drive-thru for a while to pad their earnings. Save that one for the next Coen Brothers film.


• Stupid Actual Patent #1: Using a laser pointer on your cat.


• Stupid Actual patent #2: The comb-over.


• Stupid Actual Patent #3: How many different states license plates do you spot on your last road trip?


• I would argue that Prince Philip is actually the high-point of contemporary British satire.


• Mike Tyson surpasses satire and falls into the realm of zany madcap comedy.


• For that full bodied flavor in your wine, you should start with Big Ass Grapes.

Any Hurons Left?: My undergraduate degree is from Eastern Michigan University. Back then, we were The EMU Hurons. Years later, in a fit of political correctness, they became the Eagles, presumably after the bird, but who knows - it could be an homage to Hotel California. In any event, I'm looking for a place to buy EMU Hurons clothing, just like we had in the old days. I'm especially interested the green sweatshirts with the Huron logo on the front. Anybody got any ideas? (No, I will not pay you for your ratty old one that doesn't fit you anymore. I want a new one.)

Mo' Better Blue: I raved about the Discovery Channel mini-series The Blue Planet when it ran a few months back. In the nick of time I discovered that four new hours are going to debut tomorrow (Sunday). Lucky I happened on promo, otherwise I may have had to wait a day or two until they re-ran it. Count on it being at least a cut above your garden variety nature show; if it achieves the quality of the first, it will be astonishing.

RIP Linda Lovelace: I stumbled on this sensitive, well-researched and exceptionally well written obituary of porn-queen-turned-ersatz-feminist Linda Lovelace, by Joe Bob Briggs. It put me in mind of one of my favorite movies, Boogie Nights. For those who haven't seen the movie (or those who are snickering about it), Boogie Nights is a fictional portrayal of the pornography industry in the late '70s. There is plenty of nudity and sex, but it is anything but erotic. What's amazing is its portrayal of the odd motivations of the players in the industry - none of them are truly evil or even mean spirited, they are, in fact, simple minded to a certain extent and driven by an incredible desire for attention and praise. They live an insular existence, almost as if there were in a cult. It is a unique and exceptional film. You can get the same sense from the obituary.

Turn to Page 2: If you follow sports, the very best place on the web is ESPN Page 2. That's where things get irreverent and free-wheeling. That's also where you'll find Hunter S. Thompson.

Roy Rogered: Believe me, there is nothing more pompous than a writer with an award. Falling into this category is the insufferable Indian novelist Arundahti Roy who, after winning a Booker prize for writing one of those smarmy socially conscious novels that the New York Review of Books labels "groundbreaking" or "definitive" or some other dime-a-dozen adjective, promptly got herself arrested protesting the building of a dam (huh?), insulted the presiding judge, and found her spoiled backside in a jail cell for a couple of days. Naturally, she emerged shamelessly claiming herself a hero for enduring such a terrible ordeal.

I once read that the job of a satirist is to Puncture all Pomposity. Perhaps that's why it pleased me so to see Amrit Dhillon puncture her pomposity in this properly pointed article.

It's Blog-alicious: Blogmistress Sheri over at Sheri~SHOT dropped a line to say Hi. Sheri~SHOT is a top-drawer personal blog. Unlike many bloggers Sheri actually has something to SAY, and she says it well, and in a lively voice. Makes sense as she has had some experience in journalism. You can also peruse her personal page where you will find she is employed as a night auditor in a hotel. I can relate. I used to be a night auditor. Actually, I wasn't a night auditor, I was the boss of night auditors, but I got the calls at 2 am when the night auditor didn't show up. Oddly, I am overcome with morbid fear whenever the phone rings since then. Anyway, put Sheri~SHOT on your short list of blogs.

Kill Your Cineplex: I knocked off this brief screed about what a truly nasty experience it is to visit a movie theatre. Apart from the entertainment value, it will also provide you a glimpse into the future. When I am an old man, I plan to rant and fume pointlessly like that pretty much non-stop. Consider it a retirement goal.

(BTW, don't be shocked. I'm starting to move all the features to a new document template that looks more professional and less like some marginally cogent typist scrawled them out in a fit of lunacy. Or something.)

So Sorry: I promised you more content by today but I'm still behind the eight ball. Tomorrow for sure. In the mean time, amuse yourself with the latest issue of Forbes FYI, and especially Christopher Buckley's coverage of Supreme Court Decisions. Guffaw.

Back Again: Just a brief note to tell you I'm back. I spent the last few days in Louisville, Kentucky with a brief side trip to Columbus, Ohio. Weeee. I'll probably write something about it but I don't know quite what because it had to be one of the dullest trips ever. With apologies to The Legendary KK who goes on an annual pilgrimage down there for the Thunder Over Louisville fireworks display, there just ain't a whole lot to do. Next week is Derby Week (as in The Kentucky Derby), so it may be bustling then, but what happens when that's over? The downtown area is truly dreary. The suburbs are identical to suburbs in any other city in the country. I had no terrible experiences, but I can't think of anything to recommend it. Anyway, more on that later. And more fresh content in a couple of days. For now there's email, and snail mail, and laundry....

Later 'Gator: This'll be my last post for a week-ish. Do not fret, I shall return hale and hearty, and I promise to have some new material. For now, I leave you with some linkage, both subtle and gross:

• The coolest thing about travelling into space is all the frequent flyer miles.


• You know how when you were a kid and you got bored swinging straight, you angled yourself off to the side so you swung in an oval. Well, apparently that behavior has now been patented. Meaning, if you pushed your kid sideways on a swing, you may owe someone royalties. That's a real patent, I am not making that up. Be sure to read the part about producing "a Tarzan yell".


• I saw this site and now I'm thinking my next car may be a station wagon.


• A couple of years ago I had my eyes scalded with a laser, the result being my eyesight is perfect for the first time since adolescence. Lasik works well for nearsightedness, but the FDA has now approved a new treatment for farsightedness that uses radio waves instead of a laser. No more Dr. Evil jokes.


• My continued fascination with design compels me to learn more about Great Buildings.


• Art History is another source of fascination, so the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Art History Time Line is another keeper.


• It is axiomatic in literature that mass-market books will sell better if they feature a cat. Is that also true for Yoga?


• I haven't participated in a run in a while, but I'd do the James Joyce Ramble if I could. As long as I don't have to pretend I understand Finnegan's Wake.


• Yeeeowch!.


• Michael Moore is a skank - no, a BIG skank, and he's a chicken-butt, and he can't sue me.

Rated P.G.: P.G. Wodehouse is certainly one of my favorite writers ever. I have probably been through the entire Jeeves and Wooster cannon twice. Unlike many other satirists of his time, he never had an ounce of disdain for his caricatures (although I suppose he was more of farceur than a satirist). He wrote something on the order of 90 books, all of them characterized by florid sentences and unmatched vocabulary. This article in Slate does a decent summary of his life from the standpoint of explaining him as really more American than British, despite his birth and the Edwardian Country House settings that he is known for. Best line: "He himself liked to characterize his work as 'a sort of musical comedy without music.' " That about says it all.

I don't want to give the impression that you should run out and read P.G. It's hard for many people to get past the extraordinary Englishness of Jeeves and Wooster. And let's face it, a comedy of manners is not something that plays well to an audience with South Park sensibilities. On the other hand, a sharp observer would see the close relationship between Wodehouse and Seinfeld. The comedy is all based on the desire to follow social norms, whether they be real or imagined, and how doing this leads to complications and embarrassing farce. (Now there's a good topic for an essay.)

If you're curious about P.G. Wodehouse and you don't want to dig into the print, I highly recommend the Masterpiece Theatre serializations starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. They are spot-on perfect.

Funny? Funny How?: I have mentioned the novel Lucky Jim, by Kingsely Amis, before. It is the seminal post-war comic satire. I have vowed to re-read it after looking over this comprehensive analysis of what made it funny, by Christopher Hitchens in The Atlantic. One of the lead characters in my next novel, which may one day actually see publication, was named after the lead character (and the other by the lead in different Kingsely Amis novel, Jake's Thing). That will give you an idea of how highly I think of Amis' work. Best line: "Amis managed in Lucky Jim (1954) to synthesize the comic achievements of Evelyn Waugh and P. G. Wodehouse."

And yes, you can get a good Masterpiece Theatre interpretation of Lucky Jim on video, too.

Dave via Dave: Props of Extraordinary Magnitude go out to weblogger Dave Lowe who doubles as a columnist for Backwash.com. His Backwash page is titled Slightly Left of Center where the sharp eyed among you will notice a link to my beer essay. You go Dave.

Dave has is the proprietor of a stunningly well designed weblog, DaveDorm, which has me more than a little jealous. Of course, I should note compared to him, I'm a mere pup of a blogger. He's been at it since 1994.

Site Bites: You're probably guessing from the above that I am thinking of a site redesign again. Well, I'm not - so Neener Neener Neener. What I am planning on is reworking the links in the nav bar. I've decided it's silly for me to have links to popular sites that thousands of people visit everyday. Instead I shall link first to all the princely people who link to me. Since I don't really have time to sit down in my HTML editor and do that at the moment, I'll just pass along the results of a Google search for pages that link to me, and I'll make them permanent Real Soon Now:

• Pseudodictionary - cutting edge vocabulary


• Ghost in the Machine - bloggage on anything and everything.


• A Small Victory - I lost track of this one when the name changed from A Fire Inside. More fine bloggage.


• Technoerotica - it's not a porn site, despite the name


• charging the canvas
- art-oriented blog, with current event commentary.

• Slightly Left of Center
- described above.

• Slobokan's Site O' Schtuff - not actually front page link, but he did call a dam site a "GREAT Blog" in his post.

If I've missed anyone you have my sincerest apologies. These are all that Google has at the moment. If you link to me and you're not listed above, email me and I'll set you up in short order.

Me: Right Now: First, you should know I working on a rant about going to the movies, how irritating it is, and how to fix it. Coming soon. I'm am getting a little fiction written - very very little. That's got to change. It will. I have been trying to refinance my house for a few weeks now. All my work is done but apparently Countrywide (who is going to provide me with thousands for American Airlines points for refinancing with them) has forgotten I exist. No such thing as service anymore.

I've also been exploring the possibility of seeing a chiropractor. A local guy came to my gym to give posture evaluations. I didn't have any problems, but I've seen myself slouched over like Joe Osteoporosis once too many times at the end of the day. It may work or it may not. It may just be something to write about.

That Was Zen, This Is Tao: Forwarded by The Legendary KK, Your Daily Moment of Zen (modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.


• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to to it.
• Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


• No one is listening until you fart.


• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.


• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


• Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.


• Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment


• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket


• A closed mouth gathers no foot.


• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


• Never miss a good chance to shut up.


• We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our bum... then things get worse.


• Worry is today's mouse eating tomorrow's cheese


• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Donuts Anyone?: Snagged from the forums at Ars Technica:

• I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)


• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


• Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


• Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


• Are You Andy or Barney?


• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer


• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


• I pay your salary!


• Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


• Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


• When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


• What? You need a license to drive?


• Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!


• Is your power a penis substitute?


• Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk


• Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.


• Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.


• Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?


• A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.


• Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?


• Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.


• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.


• Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?


• My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal


• Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!


• Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?


• You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me


• In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?


• If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight


• Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?


• Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either


• Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut


• Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?


• Do you have any idea who you're talking to?


• There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.


• What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alcohol
  
• That uniform makes your ass look really big.


• You don't happen to have any beer in your car?


• I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.


• So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Six Feet Going Under?: I'm very disappointed in the current season of Six Feet Under. The complex characters have gotten a good deal more single-minded. The delicately and intelligently handled homosexuality has become a gimmick. They've introduced a poor but precocious little black child and a crazy ex-hippie aunt who seem awfully cliche. What's worse is that it has become luridly sexual for no good purpose that I can see. A shame.

I think once the next Sopranos season ends I may have to write a follow-up to my HBO essay. I'd hate to have anyone stumble on it in the far future and think me to be tasteless.

Blogsnobbin': I've told you how to Blog-Snob before - follow the random blog link and the bottom of the right side column, check out what you see, and then find the similar link on that page. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Here's what I came across:

• Groovy blog - striking design, a personal journal; clearly the proprietor is as fascinated with sharp looking web pages as yours truly.


• My Views on the News - Commentary on current issues and headlines, said the Master of All that is Obvious.


• Small Town Life - Personal journal from a guy just up the road at Albion College (or Alien College to the witty set).


• Gnome Girl - Personal journal with techie twist by a fan of cyber-personality Lockergnome (Chris Pirillo).


• What's He Thinking? - Sex and naughty language blog by a really really horny guy (or maybe just an honest typical guy). Don't visit if you are easily offended.


• Neurotwitch - Original design. Personal journal plus links (remind you of anything familiar?)


• nutz - teenage personal journal with lots of pics.


• My So Called Life - Religion - You know how I am sometimes - all cranky and ornery? This guy appears to be like that 24/7. This is the section devoted to ranting about religion.


• Telulah - Quintessentially personal journal. I'm guessing if I knew the author it would have more meaning to me.


• hopeless romantics - Cool design with 3D box look. Personal journal.


• Glossolalia - Active Personal Journal plus links.


• Rocketwhores - Not as scary as the name implies, but avoid the staff pictures. Working hard to satirize Pop Culture. Sadly, the author seems to be a fan of Michael Moore (ack!).


• Typical Situation - Thoughts and comments from a teen struggling with school and life.


• Empty Bottle - Ace 'Blog! Lots of great links and snide comments. I will be eternally grateful for the link to The Dude's House.

Knock Yourself Out...: ...with these high-flyin', house shakin', hard rockin' links to keep you 'mused and confused.

• Why work out when you can just take a pill. These scientists should stop playing God with bodybuilding.


• From the back of the I-am-not-making-this-up file.


• A remarkable collection of early recordings from Tinfoil.com. I spent way more time and bandwidth there than I should have. It's remarkable to think that every written word, every image, and every recorded sound may be saved forever from now on.


• Speaking of time, a museum freak like me could waste spend an awful lot of it at the Museum of Museums.


• Phenomenal Photos: here and here.


• You know all that stuff sold on TV infomercials? Find out if it works.


• THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING VIDEO I HAVE EVER SEEN. You'll need broadband, and speakers. (Don't worry, it's work safe.)

Don't Touch Pete's Piece: Last night TNN replayed the first six episodes of a legendary, but short-lived, old TV series called The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. This was a western in the vain of the Wild Wild West (the cool TV show, not the lame movie), but the writer's must have been gagging from keeping their tongues wedged so deeply in their cheeks. Clever scripts, a good balance of campy action and comedy, excellent timing, and killer pacing (you know how I am about pacing) - it could be considered as a pre-cursor to all the hyper-ironic magic-realism that's so popular now, e.g. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed.

A perfect example of what is wrong with TV. We can get 100 knock-offs of Everybody Loves Raymond, all the dire and bloated drama of West Wing or The Practice, and reality shows, well, don't get me started. Brisco lasted 27 episodes. Feh!

Stealin' Stones and Breakin' Bones: So once Brisco was over it was too late to start on anything productive so I surfed to HBO and landed on Snatch. I'd like to tell you what the movie is about but I can't. In fact, I could barely understand the dialog (which may have been intentional). But, I was riveted by the pacing (that word again) and the intensity of the acting. Not surprising since it was directed by Guy Ritchie who also did a similar and great film called Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels which was equally intense, but a bit more articulate.

Can you tell I spent last night sitting about like Jabba The Hut?

Demon Gasbag Plagarist: Not only is Michael Moore full of crap, it's not even his own crap. So millionaire now pulls stuff off the internet and puts it in his over-priced book, wherein he rails against rich folks who don't have to work for a living. Work, as in original writing?

Flogging a Wet Horse: Flint, Michigan ain't a bad town. OK, it's not paradise. Crime is high in certain areas. It could be a little better off economically. But it's not like it's Gary, Indiana or something.

I have some minor connections to Flint. Miss Kate's relatives are originally from Flint (although I note most have fled). And, of course, The Legendary KK is originally from Flint. So it is important to remember that not everyone who is from Flint is grotesque and insufferable.

Just Michael Moore.

As it happens, KK has actually had a close encounter with the demon gasbag in the flesh. As she puts it:

Michael Moore is the backwoods cousin who rarely takes a shower and has eyes that are set just a little bit to far apart.

You think I'm kidding about the "rarely takes a shower" comment, don't you?

Trust me, I've sat WAY too close to that man in the movie theater before.
Wet horses smell better than he did...

There you have it.

The above comments came in comparing the horrendous Moore to another Flint-oid, Andrew Heller, "Flint's Golden Boy," who is a clever and funny journalist.

No Disk Can Hold Me: Well, I finally got my interview digitized. I'd post it, but sadly, it's about a 380 meg file (no comments on the size of my ego, please). I know you love me and all, but even with a broadband connection that's a loooooong download. So now I'm trying to gather information about video compression and so forth. Once again, everything has to be complicated. Anyone got any good ideas?

You Gotta Have Art: I managed to get to the Toledo Art Museum this weekend. It's nice little trip only about an hour away from me.

It appears to be located in a ghetto. Seriously, I wouldn't want to be spending a lot of time walking around in the surrounding neighborhood. But you park just across the street and immediate area seems safe.

The museum is nice, if unspectacular (yes, I'm a museum snob). There are Monets and Picassos and plenty of Renaissance stuff; a nice ancient art exhibit; lots of glass work from throughout history. There was a special exhibition on industrial design that I was looking forward to, but it turned out to be only industrial design that had a connection to Toledo, which naturally limited the scope. Still not bad.

It's not a large place. You can cover most everything in an afternoon. There are events running regularly. Free admission (although they charge for special exhibits). A nice way to spend a rainy day.

This Just In: From KK, the intrepid reporter, we hear that the Ann Arbor Lone Star Steakhouse has packed it in. I prefer to believe it was due to the great influence of this review.

Pits and Bieces: For you weekend reading pleasure.

• The 10 Worst Cars from those car talk guys. I used to own a Pinto. Yep.


• Roger Ebert comes down hard on proposed copy protection. Thumbs up.


• A new search engine puts the beloved Google in it's sights. Not there yet, but maybe.


• The Louvre. Not only could I spend a lot of time there in real life, it makes me wish I had broadband.


• Once I become an certified evil genius bent on ruling the world, I shall use one of these as my headquarters to hatch my nefarious schemes.


• This device is the definitive work of evil genius.


• A final slap in the face before summer.

Yet Moore Lies: Ben Fritz took the time to verify the world according to The Demon Moore and found it to be highly imaginary. Not surprising. Sadly, Fritz makes the mistake of taking Moore seriously to being with and so doesn't take the opportunity to call him any fun names.

Nobel Prize for Slap-downs: My favorite, P.J. O'Rourke, has taken a moment to dismantle a stunningly pompous statement, signed by a gaggle of Nobel Prize winners, designed to seem charitable and noble while solely serving the purpose of inflating their bloated self-images. All I can say is "heh, heh, heh."

RIP, Billy Wilder: I'm late to the line on this one. Billy Wilder was an amazing director. He is regularly lauded for some classic dramas such as Double Indemnity, The Lost Weekend and Sunset Boulevard, but his comedies were even better. Some Like it Hot, The Seven Year Itch and The Apartment are universally renowned as some of the best movie comedies ever. My favorite: The little known comedy One, Two, Three - James Cagney's second to last role and the best Cold War movie ever. Here's the full list of credits. Never has the phrase "They don't make 'em like that anymore," been more true.

Mail Travails: The mail account I use for this site - dzot@usa.net - used to be a freebie I got as a benefit for having an Amex card. No more. Amex isn't sponsoring it anymore so the folks at usa.net are going to charge me thirty bucks a year to keep my free account. It's a shame. I love that account because the spam in minimal and I could reach it from any browser anywhere, and if I got fired or changed ISP I still had it. So, as a result, it has become my main e-mail face to the world so, as a further result, I am over a barrel as far as letting it go.

I paid the fee. On the one hand, it chafes me, and I blame Amex for ditching out on the sponsorship. On the other hand, if it's so useful, I really can't complain about thirty bucks a year. I spend more than that on Diet Coke every week.

The other issue is my hotmail account. The only place I use that is on www.ReadApplePie.com, and it gets easily 100-150 spams a week. So I think I'm going to axe that one and maybe try a Lycos account. Suggestions for quality web mail services are welcome.

Summer Music: Soak up the Sun, by Sheryl Crow, is making me think of summer when I need it most.

Wow: I am truly and deeply honored by this award. A heartfelt thanks to the committee and especially to my wonderful readers.

I'll Be Right Back: Well, I did have nice weekend. I didn't do much of anything productive, but that was kind of the point. You see, my weekends are pretty much like my weekdays. I go into to work to get a head start on this or that, and then at home I sit in front of the computer and work on whatever projects I have going - my web sites, query letters, writing projects. Mix in time to go to the gym and that's pretty much my whole life. This weekend I did all of that, just less of it. I took a long walk in the arboretum, I watched a bit of TV, I slept in.

In any event, I'm going to take one last night off, then I'll be back tomorrow with some actual content for you.

Step Away From The Internet: It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend. I'm going to make every effort to enjoy it and keep myself OFF-LINE. That means I probably won't be back until early next week. So here's some clever stuff for your entertainment until my triumphant return.

• Hall of Shame #1: Lawmakers who whine about doing without their French chef. 'Scuse me while I go get a stale sandwich from the vending machine.


• Hall of Shame #2: Maxim magazine names Detroit the greatest city on earth - but only in the issues distributed to the Detroit area. This gets big 'What Were You Thinking?' But then, Maxim readers probably don't spend a lot of time on the articles.


• You're a citizen of mainland China. You've paid your dues to the post-communist system. You've played the autoritarian protocol well enough to find yourself in a position of wealth and power. What are you going to do now? I'm going to Vegas!


• Longtime reader Inne Ten Have points out that Capt. Kirk seems to be the new ruler of Liberia. Another swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood for a struggling third world nation.


• I haven't read much of the Pop Cult e-zine, but I will. I am such a sucker for retro graphics like that. Definitely one of the best looking sites I've seen.


• From the How Did I Get Along Without This? file, we have Sleeping in Airports. If you are getting on a plane, take a look at the write ups for the airports you'll be visiting. It may get you a decent nights sleep.

You'll Get Nothing and Like It: I am frustrated beyond all reason. I finally found a service that would digitize the tape of my interview. I brought the tape in, and we watched it to identify the section of the show that I wanted digitized; it was the first 11 minutes and 34 seconds. I also asked for 2 duplicate VHS tapes. Fine. I leave and a couple of days later I get a call to come in and pick everything up. When I get there I there are two digitized copies waiting and no VHS tapes. Great. Whatever. I take the digitized stuff and figure I'll deal with the tapes later. So I get the files home and I look at them and they are not the first 11 minutes and 34 seconds that I played in his presence. They are everything from the first 11 minutes and 34 seconds on. So the guy digitized the exact footage that I didn't want and neglected to digitize the footage I wanted - the footage I sat down and went through with him.

Excuse me while I slap my forehead with a brick a few times.

So tonight you get no links. Just venomous remarks.

Why Do I Live Here?: I had been looking forward to warmer weather. A few reasonable days coupled with the start of spring training made me optimistic. Then yesterday we get what amounts to an ice storm - 5 mph on the highway. It took me 40 minutes to cross town, when it usually takes me 15 or 20. Scraping the windows of my car. Sliding about on black ice. This is bloody paradise. So why don't I quit sniveling and move somewhere warm? Cuz then I wouldn't get to have a nice, satisfying tantrum about it.

And?: The Oscars occurred. Some awards were given out. I really don't care.

Death by TV: TV sucks. Except for Six Feet Under and Seinfeld reruns. The Always Delightful Chrissy recommends Andy Richter Rules the Universe, which is pretty good and will probably get better, but I seem to remember there always being a couple of nights a week I didn't want to miss. Now it's all reality shows and dramas such as West Wing that are so full of self-importance they make me want to gag. As I write this, The Court, a drama with Sally Field as a supreme court justice, is about to debut. 1) Spoon. 2) Eye socket. 3) Gouge.

And I UTTERLY DESPISE the miserable sycophants who are employed as TV critics. They watch that tedious, mind-numbing tripe and declare it to be "ground-breaking" or some other breathless cliche. Get a real job.

New Adventures in Surfing:

• Deer are vermin. If you have lived in rural, or even rural-suburban Michigan, you know what I hazard they pose, and you also know that they are not anywhere near endangered (there are, in fact, as many now as there were at the turn of the last century). It might annoy animal rights activists to hear my feelings, but on the other hand, I've never actually killed one.


• The Best Characters in Fiction Since 1900 and I don't have a lot to argue with, other than the egregious omission of Alex Kim from Apple Pie.


• I love my weekly Boot Camp class. This one is intriguing; a daily, two-week long, super-intense, Navy Seal session, as described by a geek who braved it.
  
• Here's a tricky one. What's wrong with this picture? Just stare at it for a minute and it'll come to you.


• Last words. My favorite: "Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult."

Follow Up:

• More destruction of the gasbag Moore.


• More on the death (and possible rebirth) of Internet Radio.


• More on the DMCA and it's progeny (I still haven't come to a conclusion, but it's not looking good.)

Liquid Issues: I don't ask for much from grocery stores. Virtually all I buy from them is stuff to drink. I have a policy against drinking anything that has more than a few calories, unless it contains alcohol, then all bets are off. During the day, I keep myself pretty well-caffinated via Diet Coke/Pepsi (please don't lecture me about the difference), so in the evenings I want something non-carbonated. Water, you suggest. Well yes, but I like flavor - I'm not a minimalist. So I have found four drinks that fit the bill. Sobe Lean Peach Mango, Snapple Diet Air (I think its actually a pear flavor), Snapple Diet White Grape, and Propel (a lightly-flavored, carbohydrate-enhanced water from Gatorade). For whatever reason, there is not a grocery store in the area than can keep any of these in stock, except Propel, presumably because Gatorade has the marketing clout to keep these people on their toes.

Meijer's is the worst for this. They can stock 497 different varieties of canned tomatoes, 943 different flavors of pork rinds, and 1024 different colors of condoms, but they can't manage to restock the drinks I like. Losers. I hope Wal-Mart puts them out of business.

That turned into a nice little rant, didn't it? I sure wish I could order this stuff on the web by the case. It's enough to make a guy drink more beer.

Unoriginal Programming: You're right, I haven't written anything new for this site in a while. I've been pouring it on doing Misspent Youth and I may post an excerpt soon. And I've re-engaged my agent search. And I'm redesigning ReadApplePie (not updated yet), it was a mess below the surface. And I've got the video of my interview being digitized. So stay tuned.

Moore is Less: Michael Moore has made of career of either being stupid, inane and obnoxious, or he has made a career of pretending to be stupid, inane and obnoxious in which case he is anything but stupid and inane, but is still obnoxious. (I don't actually know him, so I can't say for sure). He has made millions of dollars because there are a significant number of people who will pay $26.00 for a book filled with rants against millionaires who overcharge their customers to line their pockets.

Needless to say, I was delighted when my favorite webblogger-with-an-attitude, James Lileks, completely demolished Moore for all the world to see.

Days of High Adventure: The Congo Expedition of 1909-1915 has inspired a remarkable web site. The expedition was rife with remarkable accomplishments:

By the end of their six years in the Congo, Lang, Chapin, and their assistants had collected spectacular specimens of okapi and square-lipped rhinos (still on exhibit in the Museum's Carl Akeley Hall of African Mammals). More importantly, they had collected the most complete record of the plants, animals, and cultures of the Congo Basin up to that time, including 5,800 mammals, 6,400 birds, 4,800 reptiles and amphibians, 6,000 fish, over 100,000 invertebrates, and 3,800 anthropological objects. In addition, they had 9,890 photographic negatives, more than 300 watercolor paintings, and many volumes of field notes. At least fifteen volumes of scientific findings were later published based on the expedition's work, many of which continue to stand as both seminal and definitive works in their fields.

Sadly, it was cut short by WW1. The site itself is fascinating and rife with remarkable web design accomplishments, including a multimedia presentation that is actually usable over a 56K modem. Well worth some time exploring.

Blog-Snobbing: The Pixie dropped me a note to let me know that she took a shot at Blog-Snobbing. I believe the word she used was "freaky." She stumbled on a number of sites filled with details of personal lives, "like little pieces of a soap opera." Freaky, yes, but you can't look away.

In case you missed my previous post, one Blog-Snobs by following the random link to a weblog via BlogSnob, located at the bottom of the left hand column. Take a minute to read whatever site you land on, then find the BlogSnob link on that site and repeat the process. A brief tour through the sublime and the preposterous.

Save Internet Radio: You made have heard of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). It is a law passed by Bill Clinton that is intended to address copyright issues as they are affected by new technologies. I am ashamed to say I know little about it, other than everyone I know who does know about it thinks it is apocalyptically bad. Why am I ashamed? Well just about everything I do in my life hinges on copyrights and intellectual property rights to some extent, so I probably should have some familiarity with it. I intend to get hip on it and possibly write a bit about it once I do.

This was all prompted by a message from Gary O., who pointed me to Save Internet Radio. Apparently many folks think that a recent royalty arbitration decision under the DMCA by the Copyright Arbitration Royalty Panel (CARP) is likely to price many small internet radio broadcasters off the air. That would be bad. Not just because I like internet radio, but also it plays into the hands of outfits like Clear Channel that are pretty much bleeding music radio of any vitality (see my previous post Turn It Off).

Like I said, I'm going to try to look deeper into this before I go off half-cocked. I'll let you know what I find.

Time in Jail For Dummies: This cracked me up. There this rather obnoxious hacker named Jerome Heckenkamp who has made a habit of vadalizing sites such as Lycos and Ebay. Even though he's misguided, the guy must be pretty sharp to be able to do that, right? Not. Hauled up before a judge for a routine hearing to set future court dates, he managed to get himself tossed in jail.

During what was to be a routine proceeding to set future court dates, Heckenkamp challenged the indictment against him on the grounds that it spells his name, Jerome T. Heckenkamp, in all capital letters, while he spells it with the first letter capitalized, and subsequent letters in lower case.

Ah ha! The rekowned Case Sensitivity Defense. And

The computer whiz then asked the court to identify the plaintiff in the case. [Judge] Ware explained that the United States was the plaintiff, and was represented by assistant U.S. attorney Ross Nadel. Heckenkamp said he wanted to subpoena Nadel's "client" to appear in court, and Ware asked him who, exactly, he wanted to bring into the courtroom.

When Heckenkamp replied, "The United States of America," Ware ordered him taken into custody.

Either he's going for an insanity plea or he just wants to go out in a blaze of abject stupidity. Best laugh I've had in a week.

Who's Hacking Whom: There is a big underground market for pirated pay-TV. Basically, hackers figure out how to break the encryption on a pay-TV signal and then sell you a cheap card that slips into your set-top box which allows you to watch the signal for free (similar to pirating cable). Canal Plus, a division of media giant Vivendi and one of Europe's biggest pay-TV providers, has brought suit against NDS, another digital cable provider and mostly owned by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp (meaning Fox).

According to the complaint, Canal Plus became aware that counterfeit smart cards were being distributed in late 1999. The company investigated and "was shocked," according to papers it filed with the court, when the trail led straight back to NDS.

The investigation was carried out by Canal Plus technicians who developed contacts within the hacking community, according to a report in The Wall Street Journal.

Tips provided by the hackers indicated to Canal Plus that NDS had an Israeli lab crack the technology that was used in the smart cards. The company then distributed information on how to create or alter the smart cards on the Digital Reference website.

They are bringing a RICO suit which allows for all sort of lucrative damages. The latest is that hackers are sitting back and laughing at the two giants going after each other.

Meanwhile, TV hackers, who try to find ways to get fee-based TV services for free, claim it's not unusual for companies to leak details of competitors' security systems...

TV pirates also claim that the security systems of most smart cards, including Canal Plus' product, don't present a cracking challenge and can be successfully hacked without corporate funding or encouragement...

All of the pirates were puzzled by the digital TV companies' lack of interest in their activities, claiming that all the money and time that will be invested in Canal Plus' lawsuit could probably put a serious dent in the piracy industry.

The truth is out there. Or is it?

Extra, Extra! Read All About Me: A transcription of my profile in the Community Observer is right here.

Weekly Reader: Interesting links to keep you feeling Shower Fresh!

• Drop your digital camera in water and you may be pleasantly surprised by the images that come out. Or you may think they are scenes from the spirit world. Oooohh.


• I shall come out of a shallow closet and point out that I played Dungeons and Dragons as an adolescent - and you can wipe that condescending smirk off your face. The originator of the game that launched a million geeks, Gary Gygax, recently sat for an interview with some modern day geeks. If you were an early geek, it's a trip down memory lane.


• Speaking of early geekdom, I remember spending an unconscionable amount of time at the video arcade in the early eighties. I was a killer Missile Command player, but there was no doubt that Asteroids was probably the most popular game. TwinGalaxies.com has found the highest scorer ever in Asteroids. A bit late, turns out he died in an accident a few years ago, but he gets his posthumous due.


• File this under Really Bad Marketing.


• If you ever need to do research, Reference Desk is probably a good place to start. Links to everything.


• If you are a screenwriter, or a screenwriter wanna-be, or just interested in movie scripts, INflow's Screenplay Repository has tons of scripts available for download. The even have Ferris Buellar.


• You can get thoroughly MODern at GoMod.com. Cool design. I love retro.


• It's a dog's life. Kids and Dogs can live like royalty in luxury homes. You can raise little Donald Trumps. That's messed up.


• More games, this time, javascript versions. Try Frogger.

One Night In Chelsea: Chelsea is one city west of my home of Dexter, which is in turn one city west of Ann Arbor. Whereas Dexter is essentially a rural town making a graceful transition to a bedroom community for Ann Arbor, Chelsea has chosen to take a more stylish and trendy path. There are two truly exceptional things that Chelsea has going for it. One is The Common Grill, which is quite probably the best restaurant in the world. The name comes from the founder and head chef Craig Common, and specializing in fish but with more varied menu, I would put the food up against any place in the world. In the couple dozen times I've been there the service has always been swift and professional. Reasonably priced. Astounding fresh-cooked bread with every meal. If I have any criticism at all, it's that the beer list could benefit from a little imagination. If you are within 100 miles or so of Chelsea, it's worth the trip.

The other thing Chelsea has is The Purple Rose Theatre. Founded by Jeff Daniels and named for Woody Allen's Purple Rose of Cairo, in which he starred. The other night I went there for the first time ever. The name of the play was Months on End. At this point you are expecting me to trash it. I won't. It was a lighthearted romantic comedy with the usual themes - love, loss, infidelity, marriage, divorce, death. There were some slow moments and some funny moments. I'd be remiss if I didn't point that was also a bit of Deus Ex Machina, too. There were twelve vignettes representing the months of the year, but sometimes it was as if that theme was all that was binding the otherwise somewhat disjunct scenes -- there I go again. I'll stop now except to say that it was very well acted and enjoyable.

What stands out about the Purple Rose that you are right on top of the action. It is a small and exceedingly intimate venue. If you are in the first row the actors are often within arms reach. I would think that would be somewhat unnerving to the actors, but it certainly gets you feeling involved.

I do hope to see more plays there in the future. And eat more at the Common Grill. Lucky it's all only fifteen minutes away.

I've Been Bad: I have been taken to task for being so cranky last week. But you see, I am not cranky and sarcastic out of malice. Cranky is my way of keeping all the evil frustrations of life in perspective. If I can laugh at things for being stupid and annoying, then they can't cause me too much distress. Then I get in a better mood. So it's actually a positive thing. You may just have to deal. For the moment, though, I'll lay off.

Everything Old Is New Again: I've received this little story a couple of times via email:

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test -- (Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Very cute, I'm sure.

What's really interesting is that it is a retread of a Somerset Maugham short story entitled The Verger, which is in turn a retread of a bit of old Jewish folklore. Snopes.com has run down the history of it.

Random Blog Journey: You have probably noticed over on the lower left hand side there are the words "random link via blog snob." It's not entirely random. As a blogger, you can join Blog Snob and put that little link on your front page. Then your blog gets thrown into the pot and randomly appears on other blogs. Take five minutes and click through on the current blog. You should see a similar link on the page that comes up (look for the little bs graphic). You can then click through on that. It is interesting to see what kind of blogs are out there and what people write about. I'm sure there are sociological implications, but I really don't want to think about that.

Words, Not Deeds: I apologize for not posting very actively in the last few days. I've been swamped with the rest of my life - sadly, nothing that would be of interest to read.

I do have ideas. In my head, I'm twirling around a couple of article ideas (including a comparison review of free HTML editors, since I've been using a couple lately adn there are some clear differences), but I have nothing concrete.

Misspent Youth is coming along, or rather, it was until lately. It will again.

And I will have some more substantial stuff for you Any Day Now. For the moment, if you're looking for some interesting links, there is a new issue of Forbes Best of the Web which includes a section on on-line car buying. Very timely for yours truly.

It's A Hard Knock Life: In an interview many years ago, Nobel prize winner V.S. Naipaul referred to publishing as a "shoddy, dirty, dingy world." Recently, Thomas Hauser published this article about how contracts have gotten worse and worse for authors; so bad that, he argues, they may effective represent restraint of trade. That may be going a little far, contracts can be negotiated.

The fact of the matter is, it's a buyer's market, unless you're a best seller, then it's a seller's market. That has probably always been the case, and not just for books. Anybody entering the world of bookwriting with the expectation that they will be selling like King or Grisham is more of a dreamer than that kid shooting hoops on the schoolyard who's convinced he's the next Shaq.

This entire industry is based on hope. Writers hope to get agents. Agents hope to sell manuscripts. Publishers hope to sell books. Once in while, like in Vegas, someone makes a big score, but typically you just work like a dervish and, with luck, you may possibly break even one day. It's hard to imagine anyone is in this business is in it for the money. I'm lucky to have my day job.

I'm Ready For My Profile: As I said before, the profile of yours truly in the Community Observer is out. It's quite good. Very sharply written given the space constraints. I had interviewed with the writer, Kate Kellog, for over an hour, I think. She asked excellent questions, the kind that I had to think about before I answered. Clearly, she knew what she was doing. Also clearly, she ended up having to distill all that down to what can't be much more than 300 words, and she did it extremely well - not a wasted word. It's interesting to see what sort of compromises are made in the course of journalism (especially considering how down I have been on the press lately). If I can find it on-line I'll link it up - or maybe digitize it.

On the other hand, in the same issue there is a big multi-page feature about a local man known as "Harvey" who seems to have made a life out of photographing naked people in front of local businesses. Ah, well.

This Too...: It appears my crankiness has turned to cynicism. It'll pass. Soon it will be Spring and I'll feel better. There is still much to do.

The Mating Season: I've been rereading my favortie P.G. Wodehouse, The Mating Season. Wodehouse is the antidote to many ills. When I grow up I want to be Bertie Wooster.

Reading List: Just some time passin' (or killin') material.

• Speedpass, that thing Mobil offers so you can just wave your little pass in front of the pump to pay - versus going to the vast inconvenience of swiping your credit card - is going to be available on a Timex watch. Nice. I noticed that McDonald's is picking up on this. I bet this thing is a babe magnet.


• Harry Connick Jr. has patented a kind of electronic sheet music. I always thought he had a certain look of geekiness about him.


• And William Shatner gets all geeky - going Where No Weblog Has Gone Before.


• I find it very odd that ABC readily featured Dennis Franz's butt in prime time, but they felt the need to censor this relatively harmless scene from Diamonds are Forever.


• I find the whole concept of tornados highly suspect. I have lived in Michigan for most of my life, experienced hundreds of tornado watches and warnings, I've heard all the stories, and I've seen the pictures and videos - but I have yet to actually observe one. Makes no sense. I am of the firm belief that all "tornados" are really just special effects, the result of some shady conspiracy, probably involving Extraterrestrial Communists or something. You can read this article about storm chasers to see how deep the conspiracy goes.


• If you haven't wasted enough time by now, check out Orsinal for way too many Flash games to waste your time on.

Wait Five Minutes: There's a saying in Michigan: If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes. In truth, I've heard that used in many states, all of which it applies to uniquely. I think someone even said that about the weather in Bermuda in February.

Some people claim to like the winter. They say it is so beautiful. Of course, as the cold wears on and we have storms like this, said winter lovers get harder to find.

The last couple of days have been unseasonably warm for this time of year. In the fifties. We had a savage downpour here earlier today. The lights flashed on and off, all my clocks reset. An odd experience: the laptop didn't reboot. Laptops generally auto-switch over to battery when the AC is shut off. It happens so fast that you don't experience a reboot, or even a flash of the screen. One minute you're typing away with all the lights on and the TV going, next your sitting in silent darkness, illuminated only be the screen. An odd feeling, indeed.

Now, in early evening, it's starting to get cold again. High today was upper fifties. High tomorrow will be in the twenties. Just five minutes in Michigan.

I Hope You Remember How To Wang Chung: I guess it was inevitable. The children of the Eighties are now old enough to experience full-on nostalgia. That coincides with that same group reaching the point where they have considerable disposable income.

The end result will be a tidal wave of Eighties obsession coming real soon. The signs are all there. Eighties web sites (here and here); there's the new That '80s Show, which I haven't seen; the Lengendary KK has pointed out that you can vote for the new M&M color from one of three '80s pastels worthy of Miami Vice; and scariest of all: The 1980 J.C. Penny Fall/Winter Catalog.

Steel yourself. It will get worse before it gets better.

On the other hand, I can't see Ferris Buellar often enough. (I am considering writing an essay entitled "Everything I Know I Learned From Ferris Buellar")