For the bulk of my life I thought I didn't dream. In time I came to understand that I did dream but I had no recall of the dream. My dreams were completely ephemeral, vanishing on waking. The story in the past few years has gotten more complicated. Lately, the memory of the details has lasted longer although I still don't retain them for more than a few seconds, I am left with a very distinct impression of the tone of the content. Not the details of the dream but the underlying theme of it. It's all very strange.
Literally every dream I have had in recent years has involved me wanting, planning, or needing to perform some activity or action and not being able to do it. It could be some innocuous task and I keep getting distracted, or it could be a crucial activity and I'm roadblocked, but whatever the case, as soon as I start to realize I'm being stymied, I wake up. Within seconds the details are gone, but the impression of the essential motif remains in absolute clarity.
None of this is in focus, of course. It's in dreamtime so there are shifts in perspective and rules and behaviors that are irrational, but I can't emphasize enough how clear the underlying message is. Not just clear, the theme and the memory of the associated frustration is persistent, like actual memories, not a vanishing sensation. This is very new for me.
These are not recurring dreams. They are never the same. It is only the sense of frustration at being unable to complete the task and the anxiety over the failure that is recurring.
I really don't know what to make of it other than I am acting out comparable real world emotions. In all likelihood that's all it is, just my anxieties manifesting during sleep. The odd thing to me is not that I have anxiety dreams -- on more than one occasion in my life I have woken up shouting in panic. The combination of the common theme and persistence is what makes me think it is a meaningful development.
I have no idea what to do with this information. I am merely documenting it. I hope this new journey will lead to something. But realistically, I expect, be an unsolved mystery.
