Sunday, May 15, 2005

Off To See The Wizzinator: Am I wrong to get such a kick out of this sort of thing? Just when you thought a pinnacle had been attained by the man -- nay, the legend -- that is Ron Mexico, comes along one Onterrio Smith, running back for the Minnesota Vikings. Onterrio had occasion to take a commercial airline flight, which means Onterrio was up for a potential TSA search. Onterrio was not in a particularly good position to get searched. It seems Onterrio was packing some serious gear. Specifically, a device called the Whizzinator.

The Wizzinator. Can you guess what the Whizzinator is? It's not the kind of item you're going to find at Wal*Mart. The Whizzinator. It's not a device for producing processed cheese. The Whizzinator. It's not $9.95 from Ronco if you order before midnight. Actually, its full name is The Original Whizzinator, just so you won't get it confused with some cheap imitation. The Original Whizzinator is a device designed to produce a clean urine test.

From the article:

The $150 device includes a prosthetic penis attached to a jockstrap and plastic bag. Using a syringe, the user fills the bag with a precisely measured amount of water blended with the urine powder to create a clean sample. When the user takes a drug test in front of an observer, the water is released through the prosthetic with a valve (the instructions recommend the user cough to hide the sound of the valve unsnapping).

Pure unadulterated slapstick. Really, couldn't you envision such a scene in some asswitted teen comedy; Sean William Scott as the quarterback under suspicion has to give a urine sample, so he employs the Whizzinator only he can't get the thing unsnapped so he keeps coughing and coughing. Everyone is looking on in confusion, then suddenly it unsnaps and sprays all over Will Ferrell as the observing doctor.

Except this is real life. The Whizzinator is an actual product that actual people can buy (I refuse to link the site). And Onterrio Smith is an actual football player. One who already has a couple of strikes against him in the NFL substance abuse program. So what does Onterrio do when confronted with said device? Well, he naturally claimed it wasn't really his; it was for his cousin. An excuse worthy of Bart Simpson in his prime. At least he didn't claim it was just in the luggage when he bought it.

I have no idea if the NFL will count this as a third strike. I suppose if they wanted to they could track down the "cousin" and check out his story. On the other hand, knowing the NFL, there's probably some sort of clause that allows them to suspend a player for being in possession of fake penises anyway. And I guess poor Onterrio can write off any product endorsements except for The Original Whizzinator itself, or perhaps certain Larry Flynt business ventures.

Next we come to ACT II wherein desperately bored lawmakers claim the Whizzinator is "violating our trust and compromising our security." Presumably a link to cancer and global warming will be found shortly. The public good requires an investigation. "Are you now, or have you ever been, associated with a fake willie?" (There's a Bill Clinton joke in there somewhere, I'm sure.)

For those interested, you can buy a Vikings #32 (Smith's number) jersey with the name Whizzinator from the NFL shop. Although not for long, one expects.